Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts

Day 19: BLESS (Your Feelings Can Help You Choose)


Each day during The PURSE-onality Challenge: "A Holiday-Ready Heart" in October, Untangling Christmas by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice, will be our give-away prize!  

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click here to enter!

Day 14: TRUST (+ How Each PURSE-onality Can Get Day Overwhelmed)
Day 15: PATIENT (+ Practicing Now for Patience Then)
Day 16: NO RECORD (+ How to Have Grudge-Free Holidays)
Day 17: TRUTH (Each PURSE-onality's Take on Truth)
Day 18: PERSEVERE (+2 Cures for Procrastination)


Today's post comes to you as a vlog (below) and blog (scroll on down)!

 Can't view video?  Click here to see "Your Feelings Can Help You Choose" on YouTube!




Readers have given a ton of great input regarding the issues we seem to struggle with most during the holidays. These two comments represent a whole host of responses I received on this particular theme:

“Encountering and spending time with relatives and other visitors who have conflicting lifestyles and values during the holidays.”

“Difficult relationships with people who know how to “push our buttons” during the holidays!”

Since today’s verse is


I tell you who hear me: 
Love your enemies, 
do good to those who hate you, 
bless those who curse you, 
pray for those who mistreat you.
Luke 6:27-28 (NIV)


I thought today would be a good day to talk about how we can plan to BLESS those who have very different values and those who tend to “push our buttons.”


Mistaken Purposes of Misbehavior

According to Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, our children’s misbehavior stems from attempting to fulfill four mistaken purposes:


1)  attention:  “I belong only when I have your attention or special service.”

2)  power:  “I belong only when I am winning or at least when I don’t let you win.”

3)  revenge:  “It hurts that I can not belong, but at least I can hurt back.”

4)  assumed inadequacy:  “I give up. It’s impossible to belong.”


Using My Feelings to Identify Others' Mistaken Purposes

I can quickly identify someone’s mistaken purpose by my own feelings in reaction to the misbehavior.  

Then, using my knowledge of the PURSE-onalities, I can choose -- through the power of the Holy Spirit -- how to respond in blessing, rather than react out of instinct.


When I Feel Annoyed

When I feel annoyed, the mistaken purpose is probably attention. This person is either a Sanguine or acting out of Sanguine weaknesses. I can bless them by responding with fun, attention, and approval. 

Of course, this is very counter-intuitive, because when someone annoys me, my natural reaction is to ignore them and hope they’ll go away!


When I Feel Undermined or Threatened

When I feel undermined or threatened, the mistaken purpose is probably power. This person is either a Choleric or acting out of Choleric weaknesses. I can bless them by offering them greater control, achievement, and appreciation. 

Of course, this is also counter-intuitive; when someone threatens me, what I naturally want is to put them in their place!


When I Feel Hurt

When I feel hurt, the mistaken purpose is probably revenge. This person is either a Melancholy or acting out of Melancholy weaknesses. I can bless them by facilitating greater perfection, order, and sensitivity. 

Of course, yet again, this is counter-intuitive; when I feel hurt, my instinct is to hurt them back or run and hide!


When I Feel Helpless

When I feel helpless, the mistaken purpose is probably assumed inadequacy. This person is either a Phlegmatic or acting out of Phlegmatic weaknesses. I can bless them by providing peace, respect, and a sense of self-worth. 

Of course, this too is counter-intuitive; what I want to do is motivate them to take action and quit whining!

Choosing to Love

Blessing those who curse us is counter-intuitive. 

 It's also a choice. 

 One we can make now. 

 So that when the holidays come around, God's love flows to us and through us.
Your Turn:

  • Which relationship might improve if you used your feelings about their misbehavior to guide your choice of response?
  • Which feeling is the hardest for you to experience: feeling annoyed, threatened, hurt, or helpless?
  • Anything else on your heart!

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Day 8: VICTORIOUS (+ Heading Off Holiday Hurts)


Each day during The PURSE-onality Challenge: "A Holiday-Ready Heart" in October, Untangling Christmas by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice, will be our give-away prize!  

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click here to enter!


Annoying vs. Hurtful

I try to avoid two kinds of people during the holidays.

The first are those who simply annoy me. 

I tell myself, starting weeks in advance, “If they so much as __, so help me, I’m going to _____!”

Not surprisingly, by the time the holiday rolls around, I am so keyed up that I _____ long before they have a chance to __!

This is a petty, immature, attitude issue that I need to take to God. 

The second kind are hurtful people. 

Now, I know that I can be “highly-sensitive” to unintentional pain. So I must make my own overly-easily hurt-ness a matter of prayer and surrender. 

But I also know that some people use the holidays as a chance to violate and victimize others. This is a safety issue for which I must earnestly seek the Holy Spirit’s counsel.


Holiday Hurts Happen

I looked up the words “violate” and “victim” to see which one has the stronger connotation. Neither are cheery words; neither have joyous definitions. But hoping that everybody will just “play nice” during the holidays is naive.

Perhaps today’s post is one you can skim quickly and say, “Oh, this one doesn’t really apply to me!” 

And I’m not suggesting that we wallow in holiday hurts. 

 I am suggesting that we spend some prayerful moments seeking God’s guidance regarding any less-than-safe and outright unsafe people we may encounter.

“Violate” means to
  • break, infringe, or transgress
  • break in upon or disturb rudely; interfere thoughtlessly with
  • break through or pass by force or without right
  • treat irreverently or disrespectfully; desecrate; profane
  • molest sexually

A “victim” is  
  • one who suffers from an injurious action or agency
  • a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency
  • a person or animal sacrificed or regarded as sacrificed

Those are the bad news words.

Thankfully, the good news says

No, despite all these things, 
overwhelming victory is ours 
through Christ, who loved us. 

Romans 8:37 (NLT)
Overwhelming victory is ours!


3 Kinds of Victory Prayers

Now is the time pray victory over potentially pain-full people situations that may occur during the holidays.

1)  Pray for a change of heart to change my attitude.

I can make a list (and check it twice!) of the people I know I get irritated with. And I can use my PURSE-onality “gift card” and journal to help me literally re-mind myself of their strengths and focus on reasons for gratitude (rather than fixating on my “baditude”!)

2)  Pray for a “thicker skin” to handle the normal bumps and bruises of hanging out with flawed people.

I can write a few go-to scripts that incorporate verses from Days 1-12, which affirm my identity in Christ. This will help me pray-pare, well in advance, to deflect the barbs and jabs that just seem to naturally fly in a room full of flawed human egos.

3)  Pray for keen discernment regarding boundaries for myself, my children, and my family. 

I can ask God to guide me toward conversations I might need to have prior to the holidays regarding:

  • people my children will not be left alone with
  • words that may not be spoken in my or my children’s presence (and consequences if they are)
  • behaviors I have tolerated in the past that I will not accept this year (ditto)


Loving Impossible People

Most of the “impossible” people I’ll encounter this holiday season will be harmless. I pray that the same is true for you. 

And honestly, the most “impossible” person I’ll have to deal with in the upcoming months is the one in the mirror. 

I’m so glad that despite all of her issues, overwhelming victory is mine through Christ who is the reason for the holiday season!


Your Turn!
  • What kinds of holiday behaviors get on your annoyance nerves?
  • Do you tend to be “thin-skinned” or “thick-skinned” in family gatherings when the good-natured joking gets a little out of hand?
  • How have you dealt with setting boundaries regarding words or behavior during the holidays?
  • What’s one of the funniest holiday memories you can share?
  • Anything else on your heart!




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TPC "lite": Putting Unused Thank-You Notes to Use (Part 1)

(Welcome to a whole new week of drawings for YOUR choice(s) from these great prizes with several ways to enter each day! Click on the post title above to get to the blog and then scroll down to the Rafflecopter at the bottom of the post, or go to our Facebook page and click the Rafflecopter tab!)


(Part 1)

Why don't I write Thank You notes? 


As I've read e-mails and comments from Saturday's blog post, I've recognized several reasons. I'll share two "surface" ones today and save the "deeper" ones for Tuesday.

For me, excuses come too easily.
Sanguine:  “Oops! I forgot! Silly me…”  or “Did someone do something I should have noticed?”
Melancholy:  “I’m still trying to find the perfect card...words...pen...stamp…lighting...”
Choleric:  “It’s over and done.”  or  “They (should) already know.”
Phlegmatic:  “It’s too much effort.” or “They won’t notice if I do or don’t.”
I quit writing notes after one that hurt instead of helping. 
I didn’t mean to cause the damage I did. I wanted to offer comfort to a friend who had just suffered a miscarriage.  I prayed and labored over what to say in my note. But I quickly learned that I’d chosen the worst possible words.  (I was years from reading Lauren Littauer Briggs’ book The Art of Helping which has been a complete life-saver for this well-meaning bumbler!)
Old accusations and condemnations run through my head if I even walk into the note card isle:
  • You don’t have the right thing to say.
  • Worse, you say the wrong thing. At the wrong time. In the wrong way.
  • You ruin everything. You are dangerous.
  • Everyone is better off without you.
  • Stay away.
I get overwhelmed when these messages come fast and furious.
I withdraw. I isolate. 
Then I recognize that I’m being selfish, and the shame just grows deeper. 
Replacing Baditude

G-e-n-t-l-y now. 
I’m not going to focus on weaknesses and start accusing or condemning. Instead, I choose acceptance and compassion for where I’m at, trusting God to lead me beyond.
When I focus on the messages that tell me I’m never good enough, my focus is on me.
No matter how real these messages feel, they still trap me in myself.
I’m not thinking about the other person: what she did, how she feels, how my note might brighten her day.
I’m only thinking of my self. (Which is why the name for this “baditude” is self-ish-ness!)
Staying stuck here is a complete weakness cycle: accusation ---> condemnation ---> contempt
The worse I feel, the more I need; the more I need, the more I take without gratitude; the more I take without gratitude, the worse I feel.
With God’s Word
On Day 7, I wrote about giving up our stories of (imagined) control and condemnation and telling, instead, our stories of how Jesus has set us free. 
(Can't view image? Click here to read Romans 8:1-2!)

I am free.  Of excuses. Of past mistakes. Of accusatory condemning messages.
I need to let go of the old stories the enemy puts on endless replay.
I need to Let God author my new life story of freedom.
And Gratitude
Practical “How to” advice from Thank You Note Writers:

1. Heart change
Imagine that you are the parent of a high school student. Which would express deeper gratitude to you:
“You are such a great mother.”
or
“Your son is such a reliable worker. I so appreciate his diligence and trustworthiness.”
Hands down, the second one, right?
So ask yourself:
  • What if writing a Thank You note is not about me. Or even about the other person?
  • What if writing a Thank You note to one of God’s children is a practice of praise to our Father? “And whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men” Colossians 3:23 (KJV)
  • What if I incorporate writing a Thank You note part of my morning devotions, as a demonstration of my gratitude to God?
  • What if I make myself a Thank You Note Writing play list of thanksgiving scripture songs?  
(Pretty exciting “what if”s, dontcha think?!?)

2. Note-Writer Thinking
  • Note-writers do not think, “I have to write this Thank You note to so-and-so.”  They think “I get to write this Thank You note to God via so-and-so!”
  • They’re 100% intentional about making the note happen (not a bunch of if only, meant to, thought about, woulda-coulda-shoulda.)
  • Note-writers allow no resistance; their beliefs are integrated with behaviors. (Negotiating Do I feel like writing the note right now? How about tomorrow? day in and day out is actually harder. And it wastes far more time than writing the note!)
  • Note-writers schedule time on their calendar to write and mail notes. One commenter mails hers on Monday so they’ll arrive prior to the weekend. That’s intentionality!
  • After a large event, when they have a stack of notes, note writers do not think, “I’ll never get this done” (paving the way to become a self-fulfilling prophecy!)  Instead, they calculate how many they need to write per day and get started.  (Several said that they pre-address envelopes prior to the event, making for a faster process after.)
3. Supply Stockade
  • Have a stash! Start with a variety of note cards. (But avoid odd-shaped envelopes that might require more than one “Forever” stamp.)
  • Stock up on STAMPS!  (#1 tip)
  • Order or print your own return address labels. Tons.
  • Discover your “favorite pen” and buy several. It should be comfortable to hold and smear-free after you’ve written. (I love my Pilot Dr. Grip pens!)
  • Create a Note Card LIST to keep track of who you need to write to, why you’re writing, what to include, when you mailed the card, etc. (This would save me the embarrassment of e-mailing people to ask if they received (a) no note, (b) one note, or (c) duplicate notes...which I have done more than once!)
  • Keep note-writing supplies at your fingertips: in your car, purse, Bible, nightstand, by the TV, etc.
Check back for Part 2 tomorrow! 


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