How to Break the Power of Dread

Christmas is over. 

As of two hours ago, we’re back home again.

And it just occurred to me to ask myself:

So, did October’s “A Holiday-Ready Heart” challenge make a difference?

And I realized:

Yeah, it did.

You see, for years, I’ve dreaded the holidays.

dread

1.  to fear greatly

2.  to be in extreme apprehension of

3.  to be reluctant to do, meet, or experience

(Antonym:  welcome)

And the problem with dread is that it’s self-perpetuating. It feeds on itself and grows exponentially.

Plus, dread invites its buddies: guilt and shame. 

After all, what kind of person 

• doesn’t love the holy-days?  

• doesn’t want to celebrate Jesus’ birth? 

• can’t focus on the joy of giving to others?

dread = fear + powerlessness

For me, dread has always felt like a combination of fear and powerlessness. 

But this year, having key scriptures on hand helped remove the fear.  And I kept praying prayers of surrender to shift from feelings of powerlessness to a sense of acceptance.

Instead of spinning off into anxiety about all the things that “went wrong” or didn’t go “according to plan” or weren’t happening “the right way”, I kept coming back to the present moment.

To a simple state of resignation.

resignation

3.  an accepting, unresisting attitude

If you’d told me a year ago (who am I kdding, six months ago!) that I’d be singing the praises of “resignation,” I would have told you to get thee behind me.

But there's unexpected freedom in choosing an “unresisting attitude.”

My new mantra is “if push comes to shove, perhaps it’s time to LET GO.”

Let go of fear. 

Let go of control. 

Welcome what comes.

(Turns out, welcome truly is the opposite of dread.)


Your Turn

• How do you react when things "turn out wrong" or don't go "according to plan" or fail to happen "the right way"?

• Think of an upcoming situation you're dreading; how would removing fear change things?

• Anything else on your heart!

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"The Cure":  a work-in-progress monologue exploring welcoming, rather than dreading, pain.

(Can't see video?  Watch "The Cure" via YouTube: http://youtu.be/5n9XGthx4lM)

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Remembering What Went Right

It’s the day after.

All the built-up anticipation is spent.

We’ve got a whole 364 days ’til we do it all again.

And if you’re anything like me, you’re already making lists of what you’ll do better next year:

• I won’t forget the _____.

...

Read the rest over at The M.O.M. Initiative where I’m blogging today!

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The Lemon Meringue Pie "Surprise" (25 Years Later)

I’ll surprise him with a lemon meringue pie!

I’m 21 years old.  

Been married 3 ½ months.  

I’ve been trying to think of something unexpected I can do for Daniel’s birthday, which is just 4 days after Christmas. 

All his life, he’s received 2-in-1 “Merry Birthday” gifts, while I’ve always enjoyed a middle-of-the-year birthday celebrated all on its own. (Clearly, I’ve not yet started teaching and had my birthday buried under end-of-year grading!)

I’ll surprise him with a lemon meringue pie!

Making the Pie

I have ninja pie crust making skills. 

Not bragging, just truth-telling. 

An amazing cooking class instructor taught me how to make the most delicate, flakey, beautiful pie crust the world has seen.  Every time.

I’ve never tried making lemon filling or meringue. But how hard can they possibly be?  My trusty red Betty Crocker cookbook is open. I am fearless!

I put together all the ingredients for the lemon filling and notice one minor item I’m missing:  

a candy thermometer. 

I’m supposed to bring the filling to a certain temperature and then cook it for a specific amount of time at that temperature.

Instead, I bring it to a rolling boil, stirring constantly. 

For 30 minutes.

And oh, is it beautiful: yellow, clear, and glossy.

I pour the lemon mixture into the waiting perfect pie crust–mmmm, smells heavenly!–and bake as directed.

I whip up the egg whites with sugar, cool the pie, add the meringue, and brown it.

The finished pie is a work of art.

And I’m giddy with excitement over the surprise I've cooked up for Daniel.

Serving the Pie

Sure enough, he looks stunned and then thrilled when I present The Pie to him.

“You made this for me?” he exclaims.

I hand him a large knife. He calculates the perfect point to start cutting and stabs the knife into the center of the pie.

But as he lifts the knife, the entire pie comes out of the pie plate with it!

He gingerly settles the pie back down into the pie plate and pulls up on the knife again.

The knife is still stuck in the pie.

He wiggles the knife back and forth.

Still stuck.

Soon, it becomes clear that the pie–for all its beauty–is beyond all hope. The lemon mixture is the consistency of hard candy. How the knife ever went in, we will never understand. 

But clearly, it is never coming out.  

Salvaging the Knife

Daniel’s practical mind shifts from the pie to the knife, one of the expensive ones we received as a wedding gift.

He heads out to the garage, and I hear the banging of my rock-like pie being hammered against the side of our metal trash can.

Daniel eventually comes inside and reports that the trash can was badly dented in the process of freeing the knife.

I do what any rational bride of 3 ½ months would do: 

burst into tears.

“I just wanted to surprise you for your birthday!” I wail.

Trying to cheer me up, Daniel holds out the knife and jokes, “Well, this certainly is a surprise!”

I cry even harder.

A Marriage Metaphor

The “Lemon Meringue Pie Fiasco” has turned out to be an apt metaphor for our marriage. 

We married young, stubborn, and foolish.

In the early years, we each tried so hard to do things to make the other happy.

But we frequently messed up.

And then our best attempts to clean up the mess caused a lot of collateral damage.

I took everything so seriously back then. Perfectionism insisted that the mistakes I made “meant something” about me, about our marriage. 

I shed a lot of unnecessary tears.

Reflecting Back 25 Years

In our quarter-of-a-century of marriage, I’ve learned...

...not to try so hard. Daniel would far rather have an ordinary gift given by a relaxed wife than an amazing gift delivered by a stress-case!

...mistakes don’t have to “mean anything.”  About me.  About my marriage.  They mean I’m human. Perfectionism used to convince me that I needed to hide that fact at all cost. 2 Corinthians 12:9a reminds me that God’s “grace is sufficient for [me]” and that His “power is made perfect in weakness." 

...“love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8b)  So does laughter.

(And I’ve definitely learned how hard lemon pie filling can possibly be!)

Your Turn

• What kitchen disaster has become a legend in your family?

• How do you handle mistakes?

• Anything else on your heart!

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My Favorite Christmas 'n' Comfort Food: Finnish Rice Porridge

It's "Feed Your Soul Friday" over at Adventures in the Kitchen!

My family's traditional Christmas Eve dinner is Swedish "milk rice." Mother always started it early in the morning, stirring away at a pot that seemed to hold nothing but milk. 

As the day progressed, we'd start checking the pot more and more anxiously, wondering if the meager grains of rice at the bottom would swell up in time for Christmas Eve dinner. Most of the time they did...but a few years, they waited until Christmas Day breakfast.

Of course, there was the constant danger of scorching the milk and ruining everything. (Which happened when an unnamed teenager was in charge of stirring it one year...)

When Mother discovered a recipe which involved parboiling the rice to speed up the process, we were skeptical. Part of our Christmas Eve tradition was the all-day uncertainty about the milk rice!

Then we actually tried this recipe for Finnish Rice Porridge.

It took less than two hours, start-to-finish, and tasted (to quote Mother directly) "better than the original!"

Which means that if a distracted Choleric teenager multi-tasks when she's supposed to be stirring, you'll actually have time to throw out the scorched batch and make an entirely new one before anyone starves. 

(Not that I know this from experience or anything...!)

Finnish Rice Porridge

1 ½ c. white rice

pot of boiling water

Place rice in sieve. Pour boiling water over rice slowly.  Let drain.

1 ½ c. water

[1 Tbs. butter]

Bring water to boil in large pot. Add rice and butter.  Reduce heat to low; cook uncovered for 10 minutes or until water disappears.  (Rice will not be completely tender.)

8 c. milk

1 ½ tsp. salt

2 Tbs. sugar

2 cinnamon sticks

¼ tsp. nutmeg

[2 Tbs. butter] 

Add above ingredients to rice.  Bring to a boil, stirring constantly.  Reduce to lowest heat.  Simmer uncovered, stirring occasionally, until as thick as oatmeal (30-45 minutes.)

1 ½ tsp. grated lemon peel

2 tsp. vanilla

Stir in lemon peel and vanilla.  Remove cinnamon sticks and serve with cream and cinnamon sugar OR Berry Sauce (below)

NOTES FROM CHERI:

1.  I never use the butter and it turns out just fine.  (I don’t mind using butter when I can enjoy its taste and texture, but when it gets this completely hidden, I don’t see the point!)

2.  When cooking the rice for 10 minutes, I put the lid on the pot -- off-kilter so some steam  can escape -- and the water doesn’t boil off so quickly.

3.  When bringing the milk mixture to a boil, I use a gravy stirrer non-stop to make sure nothing starts sticking to the bottom of the pan and burning. (Once milk scorches, there’s no saving any of it!)

4.  Once the milk mixture comes to a boil, I turn it as far down as possible, put the lid on -- again, off kilter -- and set the timer for 5 minutes to remind myself to come back and stir.  Sometimes, it takes a full hour before it’s nice and thick.

Berry Sauce

1 c. water

2 c. fresh or frozen cranberries

¾ c. sugar

1 ½ Tbs. lemon juice

Put all ingredients in a 2 quart pan.  Boil gently for 10 minutes.

1 package (10 oz.) frozen sweet raspberries

1 ½ Tbs. cornstarch mixed with 1 ½ Tbs. water

Add to above mixture. Cook, stirring constantly, until thick and clear.

Chill to serve cold.

NOTES FROM CHERI:

1.  I like to use fresh raspberries when possible...two small baskets work great. 

2.  Mix the cornstarch into warm water and pull pot off the stove for a little while before adding the cornstarch, or the cornstarch will clot.

Your Turn!

• If you've got a favorite recipe posted, tell us a bit about it and leave the link!

• What is your favorite Christmas memory or tradition?

• Anything else on your heart!

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Top 10 Priceless Gifts That Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Sanguine / Expressive!

In just under a month, Christmas tree skirts will be empty, trash cans stuffed, and many credit cards maxed.

What do you want to feel, after the frenzy of wrapping paper tearing -- and the ooooh-ing and ahhhh-ing -- is done: Relief that it's all over? Regret over the money spent?

Or satisfaction for time well-invested and gratitude for blessings beyond price?

One more time: Gift-giving shouldn't be panic-producing; it should be fun!

Over the last three days, we've been looking at custom-tailored gifts for each Melancholy/Analytic, Phlegmatic/Amiable, and Choleric/Driver PURSE-onality on your shopping list.

Today, we finally turn our attention to the PURSE-onality that's been wondering, "When's she gonna finally talk about ME?!?"

Keeping in mind that your Sanguine/Expressive's primary goal in life is fun, and that her primary emotional needs are attention, affection, approval, and acceptance, a real gift from your heart could be...

10. Laugh Together.

Borrow DVDs of comedians, relax on the couch, and chuckle along. Our family loves Ken Kington, Michael Junior, Taylor Mason, and Ken Davis. We've watched them dozens of times, and they're funnier each time!

Read comic books together. When Daniel and I were expecting Annemarie, we devoured For Better or For Worse books. As the kids moved through toddler and elementary years, we followed Calvin and Hobbes faithfully. Once they hit their teens, we became Zits devotees.

Listen to npr together. For years, Daniel and I had a weekly ritual of listening to Car Talk and howling together at the outrageous antics of Click and Clack, the Tappet brothers.

What other ways can you think of to tickle your Sanguine/Expressive's funny bone for free?

9. Laugh AT Them.

Audience laugher is a powerful opiate for a Sanguine/Expressive.

When Jonathon was four months old, it took me thirty minutes to dress him because he had just learned to laugh. Every movement, every sound, every facial expression I made prompted fresh bursts of belly laughter. I couldn't get enough!

Inside each Sanguine/Expressive is a stand-up comedian dying to get out and find an audience, any audience. Laugh at me, and you'll trigger my inner Sally Fields euphoria: "You like me! You like me! You really like me!"

There's pretty much nothing a Sanguine/Expressive won't do to get a laugh. After a recent women's retreat, I told my family how much the audience had laughed at an especially embarrassing story I'd told about myself.

"Mom," sighed Jonathon, "you'll share anything as long as it'll get a laugh, won't you."

Duh!

(Caveat: I'm not advocating mockery. If you don't know your Sanguine/Expressive well enough to sense the difference between "laughing at" and mocking, skip this one.)

8. Speak Words of Affirmation.

Your Sanguine/Expressive's primary love language is words of affirmation.

I may have just kept 300 teachers laughing hysterically at a conference, but I still love hearing Daniel say, "You're so darn funny!"

You may be having a great day shopping with your BFF, but she still wants to hear,"I am so glad we're friends!"

If a husband is working through the "honey-do" list, he wants to hear, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

And a parent who's gotten the kids fed, bathed, read to, and tucked in bed really wants to hear, "You're an amazing Mom/Dad!"

Don't assume your Sanguine/Expressive knows what you're thinking or feeling or worry about inflating their ego. Say what's on your mind, and watch them thrive on your words!

7. Self-Edit (Then Speak).

The Sanguine/Expressive is the most NTN Personality: No Test Needed. In-your-face. Over-the-top. Force of nature. Larger than life.

So it's easy to assume that you can cleverly "bring him down a notch" or teasingly "cut her down to size."

Yes, I laugh at put-downs disguised as jokes. They're a form of attention, after all. I will take bad breath over no breath at all, any day. I'll even join in, as self-deprication is my type of humor; it's also my best cover for digs that go too deep.

But realizing the power of words, and choosing to leave hurtful ones un-said, is an especially generous gift for a Sanguine/Expressive  He's already been called "motor-mouth," "dummy," and "nuisance." She's already been labeled "air-head," "pollyanna," and "pest."

Take care not to add your voice to the echo of wounding words.

6. Invite Them. 


Multi-level marketing companies make millions of dollars each year by inviting Sanguine/Expressive to join. And I've happily whipped out my checkbook at least a dozen times. $200 for a kit is a small price to pay for instant membership.

You can remove the price tag from belonging: Just invite, no strings attached.

Invite her for a cup of hot chocolate and a chat. Invite him to borrow equipment. Invite her to run errands with you. Invite him to be part of the praise and worship team.

In a new social setting, Daniel often invites me to (re)tell one of my favorite "same old stories." Even though he could tell it word-for-word (and with greater factual accuracy!), he still listens and laughs, drawing me into the new group.

For a Sanguine/Expressive, an offer of belonging is an irresistible invitation!

5. Take a "Mystery Trip."

The point of a "mystery trip" isn't the destination. The point is the excitement of having a trip planned for me and the anticipation of the fun we'll have along the way.

Keep things cheap and easy.

Fill a couple of thermoses with hot chocolate, hop in the car, crank up the Christmas carols, and drive down "Christmas Tree Lane" together.

Or pack a sack supper and go to the mall, cameras in hand, for some "Photo-Shopping" together. When you return home, make PowerPoint wish lists.

For non-Sanguine/Expressives, remember that perfection and achievement are not the goals of a "mystery trip." Having fun together is the goal.

If things "go wrong", relax and roll with it. No parking spots? If you vent your frustration, you'll spoil the fun.

Daniel's best move at times like this? He reaches over, grabs my hand, and says, "This just means I get to spend more time with you!" (I've learned to ignore the clenched teeth!)

4. Do a Chore Together.

I am the world's worst homemaker.

I hate cleaning. I hate cooking. I hate having guests over.

Cleaning is dull, boring, solitary work. Cooking takes forever, which means my kitchen becomes an isolation chamber. Having guests over is a double whammy: I have to clean alone and cook alone.

All that said, I love company!

Join me in the cleaning, and we'll have a party! Join me in the kitchen, and we'll make Disneyland the 2nd Happiest Place on Earth! Bring a potluck dish and promise not to check for dust, and you're welcome in my home any day, any hour!

Partner with your Sanguine/Expressive on a chore, and you'll turn boring into a blessing!

3. Re-Fill Their Love Cup.

Each Sanguine/Expressive has a Love Cup...with a crack. For some, it's a hairline split; for others, it's a jagged gash.

So a Sanguine/Expressive's Love Cup always has a leak, whether a trickle or a gush. They need constant re-filling.

This is a tall order. (Sanguine/Expressives aren't for sissies!)

Years ago, I read about a man who ordered a dozen red roses to be delivered to his wife each week. No personal note, no loving words, no special treatment to accompany the flowers. Just a weekly regimen of red roses.

While this might sound like the ideal solution -- set up a routine and let it run -- it's the worst possible scenario. Far worse than a completely empty love cup is the sense of being such a burden that a system is required.

Keep re-filling as honestly and spontaneously as you can. You don't need to fix the crack or keep the Love Cup full.

Just keep re-filling.

2. Be All Ears.

When Annemarie was old enough to walk and talk, I felt stalked.

She'd start telling me a story. As the story got longer, I'd try to escape upstairs with the laundry; surely, she wouldn't follow me up there?

But here she'd come, toddle, toddle, toddle, one-step-at-a-time, following me room-to-room, starting her story over and over again.

As a Sanguine/Expressive, she was relentless. She would keep talking until she felt heard. And she wouldn't feel heard until she had not just my ears but my eyes, too.

We finally compromised. I'd pile up the clean laundry between us -- so she could see my face -- and I'd sort and fold as she talked. Once she finally got me to listen to her entire story, she'd prance off.

I told this story while speaking to a MOPS group one day and then came home for lunch. Daniel was home, so I started telling him about how much fun the MOPS moms had been.

He finished his sandwich and headed to his studio, but I wasn't done talking, so I followed him. While I talked, he did what he needed to do in his studio and headed to the bathroom. (I did not follow him there!)

But as I sat on our bed, waiting for him to come out so I could keep talking, I realized: Sanguine/Expressive never outgrow the need to be heard.

We will keep talking. We will follow you wherever you go.

If you listen, we will finally finish.

(And then we'll leave you alone.)

1. Include Them.

At 6:00 AM a few years ago, our cat, Dusty, leaped onto our bed, landing squarely on my forehead. I screamed, and she dug in, using my head as her launching pad.

I was lucky to escape with only one long, jagged, bloody gash down my forehead. Unfortunately, we had no neosporin ointment at home. I had four classes to teach before I could make a Target run, and I didn't want the wound to close up.

The red line down the middle of my forehead created quite the sensation all morning. Students pointed, gasped, and gaped. Colleagues kept asking, "Do you realize you're bleeding?"

I finally got neosporin, covered the offending red line with Band-aids, and life went back to normal.

A few days later, a faculty member approached Daniel with the idea of having all staff members draw red marker lines down the middle of their foreheads for that week's staff meeting.

Daniel, who as a Melancholy/Phlegmatic hates pranks, threw up a red light to the idea, afraid I'd be humiliated.

But I love, love, love just the idea, even though it never came to fruition. I love imagining a room full of my colleagues, red penned lines saying, in effect, "You're one of us!"

And I am thrilled that They like me! They like me! They really like me! enough to come up with a crazy idea like that...for me.

* * * * *
For non-Sanguine/Expressive personalities, none of these may feel gift-worthy. Who cares about laughter or belonging or anticipation? Your Sanguine/Expressive, that's who! These gifts send the subtle message,

"I understand that fun, attention, affection, approval, and acceptance are vital to you. Rather than ignoring these needs and hoping they go away, I'm choosing to find ways to meet them because I love you. You're important to me, so what's important to you becomes important to me."

This kind of support in action is a fabulous gift for a Sanguine/Expressive!

* * * * *

Part 1: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Melancholy/Analytic

Part 2: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Phlegmatic/Amiable

Part 3: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Choleric/Driver

* * * * *

Your Turn:

• Which of these seems like a true fit for someone on your list?  

• Which of these might be a struggle for you to give?  

• Anything else on your heart!

Today's give-away is a set of all 31 of the Personality Challenge Bible verses printed on colorful cards and laminated for durability. (I've spilled coffee on mine and they washed right up just fine!)

Intentional image placement and word spacing aid visual recall.

All tucked in an organza draw-string jewelry pouch (in your choice of color) they're ready to slip in your purse and keep close at hand throughout the day!