Showing posts with label Perfectionism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Perfectionism. Show all posts

The Lemon Meringue Pie "Surprise" (25 Years Later)



I’ll surprise him with a lemon meringue pie!

I’m 21 years old.  

Been married 3 ½ months.  

I’ve been trying to think of something unexpected I can do for Daniel’s birthday, which is just 4 days after Christmas. 

All his life, he’s received 2-in-1 “Merry Birthday” gifts, while I’ve always enjoyed a middle-of-the-year birthday celebrated all on its own. (Clearly, I’ve not yet started teaching and had my birthday buried under end-of-year grading!)

I’ll surprise him with a lemon meringue pie!


Making the Pie

I have ninja pie crust making skills. 

Not bragging, just truth-telling. 

An amazing cooking class instructor taught me how to make the most delicate, flakey, beautiful pie crust the world has seen.  Every time.

I’ve never tried making lemon filling or meringue. But how hard can they possibly be?  My trusty red Betty Crocker cookbook is open. I am fearless!

I put together all the ingredients for the lemon filling and notice one minor item I’m missing:  

a candy thermometer. 

I’m supposed to bring the filling to a certain temperature and then cook it for a specific amount of time at that temperature.

Instead, I bring it to a rolling boil, stirring constantly. 

For 30 minutes.

And oh, is it beautiful: yellow, clear, and glossy.

I pour the lemon mixture into the waiting perfect pie crust–mmmm, smells heavenly!–and bake as directed.

I whip up the egg whites with sugar, cool the pie, add the meringue, and brown it.

The finished pie is a work of art.

And I’m giddy with excitement over the surprise I've cooked up for Daniel.


Serving the Pie

Sure enough, he looks stunned and then thrilled when I present The Pie to him.

“You made this for me?” he exclaims.

I hand him a large knife. He calculates the perfect point to start cutting and stabs the knife into the center of the pie.

But as he lifts the knife, the entire pie comes out of the pie plate with it!

He gingerly settles the pie back down into the pie plate and pulls up on the knife again.

The knife is still stuck in the pie.

He wiggles the knife back and forth.

Still stuck.

Soon, it becomes clear that the pie–for all its beauty–is beyond all hope. The lemon mixture is the consistency of hard candy. How the knife ever went in, we will never understand. 

But clearly, it is never coming out.  


Salvaging the Knife

Daniel’s practical mind shifts from the pie to the knife, one of the expensive ones we received as a wedding gift.

He heads out to the garage, and I hear the banging of my rock-like pie being hammered against the side of our metal trash can.

Daniel eventually comes inside and reports that the trash can was badly dented in the process of freeing the knife.

I do what any rational bride of 3 ½ months would do: 

burst into tears.

“I just wanted to surprise you for your birthday!” I wail.

Trying to cheer me up, Daniel holds out the knife and jokes, “Well, this certainly is a surprise!”

I cry even harder.


A Marriage Metaphor

The “Lemon Meringue Pie Fiasco” has turned out to be an apt metaphor for our marriage. 

We married young, stubborn, and foolish.

In the early years, we each tried so hard to do things to make the other happy.

But we frequently messed up.

And then our best attempts to clean up the mess caused a lot of collateral damage.

I took everything so seriously back then. Perfectionism insisted that the mistakes I made “meant something” about me, about our marriage. 

I shed a lot of unnecessary tears.


Reflecting Back 25 Years

In our quarter-of-a-century of marriage, I’ve learned...

...not to try so hard. Daniel would far rather have an ordinary gift given by a relaxed wife than an amazing gift delivered by a stress-case!

...mistakes don’t have to “mean anything.”  About me.  About my marriage.  They mean I’m human. Perfectionism used to convince me that I needed to hide that fact at all cost. 2 Corinthians 12:9a reminds me that God’s “grace is sufficient for [me]” and that His “power is made perfect in weakness." 

...love covers over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8b)  So does laughter.

(And I’ve definitely learned how hard lemon pie filling can possibly be!)



Your Turn

  • What kitchen disaster has become a legend in your family?
  • How do you handle mistakes?
  • Anything else on your heart!





Coming in January!

I'm a Little Dog in a Big Dog World


During November and December, I'll be diving into a personal Bible study of hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays."

Each week, I'll be giving away a book. This week's title is 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids by Kathi Lipp, with personality assessment and applications contributed by yours truly! 


Oh, and if you haven't already "Liked" Kathi on Facebook, I think you'll actually LOVE her!

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click to enter here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Big Dogs
I’m a big dog girl.

I grew up with a 50-pound Samoyed, Nikki.

Our first dog as newlyweds was a big black Labrador Retriever.

Shatzi, my Keeshond, only tips the scales at 35 pounds, but since most of that is fur, she looks like a big dog.


Little Dogs

In our household, we call the toy breeds “squeaky toys.”

Anything smaller than our smallest cat simply can not be taken seriously as a canine.

Years ago, in Shatzi’s puppy class, we met an itsy-bitsy chihuahua named Chiquita. This teacup mite weighed a few ounces and shook violently if anyone looked in her direction.

While all the other puppies learned to sit, stay, and come, Chiquita’s big accomplishment at the end of eight weeks was spending a few seconds nose-to-nose with Alexander, the 40-pound German Shepard puppy, without puddling in fear.


I am a Big Dog Girl

Did I mention that I am a big dog girl?

(Keep in mind: I am a big dog girl.)

When the counselor who leads my eating disorder group explained to us last year, “Each woman has her own unique sensitivity and reactivity. Some are like big bold German Shepherds while others are like little timid Chihuahuas.”

NO. 

No, no, no.

I am a big dog girl!

I refuse to be a Chihuahua!

I am NOT a squeaky toy!

I want to be a big bold German Shepherd!!!


I Want to be a Big Dog

This morning, I read this Tweet from Mary DeMuth, a Christian author and speaker I greatly admire:

I want to live an outward life that blesses others, not an inward-looking life where I obsess over my shortcomings.

And I thought about yesterday's blog post and my most recent solo performance

NO. 

No, no, no.


I am a big dog girl!

I don’t want to be a squeaky toy!

I don’t want to be an inward-looking obsesser who focuses on her shortcomings!

I want to live an outward life that blesses others!


I am a Little Dog

In my quiet time this morning, I read Mark’s account of the widow’s offering. 

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

And it struck me: I know about giving out of poverty. 

Emotional poverty. 

I know about watching strong Christian speakers who have their lives together and marriages together and parenting together and big beautiful hair all together and wishing so desperately I could have what they have so I could give what they give in such abundance.

I desperately want to be a German Shepherd: big and bold for Christ!

But all I actually have is a broken Perfectionism ruler and a retired Anxiety Girl cape. 

That’s pretty much everything: my life in a nutshell. 

I’m a timid trembly teacup Chihuahua whose big accomplishment on any given day is not being reduced to a puddle of tears.

Yet when I give Him all of what little I have -- all I have to live on -- He considers my worthless gifts greater than all the others?

This makes no sense to me.

But my heart leapt this morning at the thought it just might be true: 

  • I don’t need to keep trying to be a big dog. 
  • I don’t need to be ashamed of being a shaky little dog.
  • All I need to do is give him all I’ve got.
And trust Him to do the rest!

Be strong and take heart
all you who hope in the Lord.
Psalm 31:24



Your Turn:
  • What makes you feel like a tiny teacup chihuahua in a world full of big bold German Shepherds?
  • What are your "two very small copper coins"? 
  • Anything else on your heart!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Day 25: NEAR ("Everything Else" or Emmanuel?)

Each day during The PURSE-onality Challenge: "A Holiday-Ready Heart" in October, Untangling Christmas by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice, will be our give-away prize!  

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click here to enter!



Day 14: TRUST (+ How Each PURSE-onality Can Get Day Overwhelmed)
Day 15: PATIENT (+ Practicing Now for Patience Then)
Day 16: NO RECORD (+ How to Have Grudge-Free Holidays)
Day 17: TRUTH (Each PURSE-onality's Take on Truth)
Day 18: PERSEVERE (+2 Cures for Procrastination)
Day 19: BLESS (Your Feelings Can Help You Choose)
Day 20: BUILDING (20+ Ways to Build with Words)
Day 21: HOLD (Hold Back, Let Go, and Step Up)
Day 22: FRUIT (I Didn't Think...I Was a People-Pleaser!)
Day 23: CLEANSE (A Holiday-Ready Home)
Day 24: REJOICE (We Share the Same Heart Rate)


Today, I’m delighted to be part of the blog tour for Mary DeMuth’s new book Everything

Here's the trailer for Everything (you might recognize at least one face!):

(Can't see video?  Click here to view Everything trailer via YouTube!)
I’ve invited other members of the Everything Launch Team to share their blog posts in the Link-Up before the Rafflecopter. I hope you’ll be as blessed as I’ve been by visiting their blogs and hearing their hearts!

And if you’d like to enter to win a KitchenAid stand mixer in “Everything blue,” check out Mary’s Pin It and Win It contest!

Here are the blogs I wrote as I read Everything in September:


And here are a few thoughts for today:


During the holy-days, I want to focus on thanks-giving.
I want to focus on Christ-mas.

But I get caught up in “everything else” so easily:
  • the chatter in my head
  • circumstances outside of me and my control
  • events that trigger an impulsive, “Why, God?”
  • that ever-present, oh-so-personal bully: perfectionism
  • busy-ness that back-burners my time with Him
  • a copped attitude I wanna keep just a little longer
  • seeing the storm rather than the storm-stiller
  • the bogs of I want, I wish, and I have to

Let your gentleness be evident to all. 
The Lord is near.
Philippians 4:5 (NIV)

The Lord is near.

He gave up everything
to be my everything
so I can become everything 
He created me to be.

Emmanuel: God With Us!

(For “everything else” there’s…) 


Your Turn:
  • What "everything else" are you planning now to not get caught up in then?
  • What does Emmanuel -- God with us -- mean to you today? 
  • Anything else on your heart!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Grace for the Good Girl: The "Fruits" of People-Pleasing

August 1-15, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here

(Also, LifeWay Christian Stores has Grace for the Good Girl on sale for just $6.99!)

For all the times I rush around...trying to fix and influence the people and circumstances around me, I simultaneously feel resentful that I am the one to manage it all. Why doesn’t anyone else fix this? Why do I have to be the one?

“You feel lonely, unimportant, and not-as-good-as, while at the same time you experience feelings of deep resentment toward those who always turn to you. You have trained people to think you have no needs, but you are secretly angry with them for believing you.”



"Just" Perfectionism

When I launched the “Women Trying to Measure Up” survey in June, my main target was perfectionism. 

I’d just performed my paradigm-shifting monologue: The PERFECT(ionism) Crime

I was making progress on my long-stalled graduate degree by submitting work that was “good enough.”

I’d met my enemy, and it was going down. 

Bye-bye perfectionism!

Hello new, free me!


People-Pleasing: Ewww!

Then I read the survey comments on people-pleasing and just about had a heart attack.

Responders used a wide variety of descriptive words to characterize perfectionists, performers, and procrastinators. 

But for people-pleasers, two words kept showing up.

Over and over again.

Two words that terrified me because they describe the condition of my heart for decades:

"resentful" and "bitter"


People-Pleasing: Me, Too?!?

I have never thought of myself as a people-pleaser, “just” a perfectionist.

And yet here I sat, 45 years old, well into mid-life, being smacked by reality.

I can't count the number of times I've smilingly offered to "help out" while thinking, I hope they appreciate what a sacrifice I'm making...

The times I've said, "Oh, sure, no problem!" while thinking, This is going to cost me three nights of sleep...

The times I've bitten my tongue while thinking, Only a complete jerk would do what he just did...

My reward for years of doing (or not doing), saying (or not saying), reacting (or not reacting) “for the good of others”?

resentment and bitterness


Living for Others

The crazy thing is that I've truly believed I was making the best, most noble, most loving choices when I denied myself and lived for others.

Only now am I starting to see the stark, day-and-night contrast between the stories I've told myself and the realities that everyone else in my life have been experiencing.

Am I suggesting that I quit thinking about others completely?  

Not at all. 

I'm guessing there's a balance between people-pleasing and true service. 

(I say "guessing" because I've so clearly not achieved it!)

And I suspect that one way to tell is by the fruits of our choices.


God-Pleasing

Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruits of listening to and following the leading of the Holy Spirit (do you see "resentment" or "bitterness" on it? Me neither...)

love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

These are the fruits of God-pleasing.

I'm tired of bitter fruit. I suspect my family and friends are, too.

I want to "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Ps. 34:8) and share His relationship-nurturing fruit with those I love.



Your Turn!
  • Do you find resentment and bitterness showing up unexpectedly in your life? In what situations?
  • Do you consider yourself a people-pleaser? Under what circumstances?
  • How would your life be different if you shifted from people-pleasing to God-pleasing?
  • Anything else on your heart!




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