Showing posts with label resentment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resentment. Show all posts

I Did It. Again. (Sigh.)


“It happened again.”

Oh, how I’d love to hide behind a passive verb as if I’m a victim to whom and around whom things simply “happen”!

“Oops, I did it again.”

Oh, how I’d love to be flippant and funny, and simply write this off as another example of Cheri’s quirky charm.

“I did it. Again.”

I feel guilt and shame welling up as I think about yesterday’s incident.

But thanks to a paradigm-shifting devotional I read a couple of weeks ago -- "When You're Wrong, Even Though You're Right" -- instead of stewing in self-loathing, I pray.

Lord, what do you want me to learn from my choices?  About what do You want to convict me?


8 Months Ago 

During Warm-Up Week to The PURSE-onality Challenge, I shared the mortifying story of how I’d snapped at our youth pastor in front of the entire student body during chapel one day.

I’d chosen complaining when I should have gone for problem-solving.

I closed that blog post with this graphic analogy:  

“Complaining made me feel better in the moment, but it was really like dabbing concealer on an angry infected zit.”

And this oh-so-relevant scripture:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, 
so that you may become blameless and pure, 
children of God without fault 
in a crooked and depraved generation, 
in which you shine like stars in the universe 
as you hold out the word of life..."  
Philippians 2:14-16a


4 Months Ago

I had the unsettling discovery that I’m not “just” a recovering perfectionist; I’m a died-in-the-wool (what does that actually mean?!?) people-pleaser. 

My rewards for years of doing (or not doing), saying (or not saying), reacting (or not reacting) “for the good of others” are resentment and bitterness.


2 Months Ago 

I did a post-mortum on “the thumb drive incident” in which I was forced to recognize what a knee-jerk reaction people-pleasing really is for me. 

I people-please without thinking. 

At all.

It’s my default setting.


Yesterday

I did it. Again.

I'd swallowed my truth until I could contain no more, and then I started spewing resentment and bitterness on unsuspecting victims.

And as I pray Lord, what do you want me to learn from my choices?  About what do You want to convict me?

I hear Him saying:

Your old tools no longer work. They’ve never worked. You’re just now seeing how completely broken they’ve always been. 

You can’t stuff your feelings, your reality, your truth any more. You realize that pretending “I’m fine!” is nothing but glorified lying and cheating and stealing.

Your old tools have finally and fully failed you. So you are experiencing how completely broken you are without Me. 

Quit reaching for your old tools.

I will teach you a better way.

Reach for Me.


Your Turn:
  • What's an "I did it. Again." that you're struggling with?
  • What old tool(s) are you ready to recognize as broken?
  • How do you quit reaching for old tools and reach for God instead? 
  • Anything else on your heart!



Coming in January!



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Day 6: FORGIVEN (+ The Story I Choose to Tell)


Each day during The PURSE-onality Challenge: "A Holiday-Ready Heart" in October, Untangling Christmas by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice, will be our give-away prize!  

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click here to enter!




.3 miles from home.

Just .3 miles. 

But Daniel was concentrating so hard on the cyclist that he failed to see the CHP parked on the side of the road. 

Our drive had already been so full of unexpected traffic frustrations that his patience had long since expired; all he wanted to do was get home.

The officer was merciful; we got back on the road with a yellow invitation and Daniel’s driver’s license still in his possession.

And I took home a renewed confirmation that The PURSE-onality Challenge works, even under pressure. 

A year ago, that ticket would have ruined the entire trip for me. 

I would have been unable to think about the excellent performance of Hamlet we’d enjoyed the night before without ruing, “but then we got that awful ticket.”

I’d have been unable to recall our leisurely morning of MacBooks and chit-chat at Starbucks without deploring, “but then we got that stupid ticket.” 

But this week, as I sat waiting for the officer to come to the window, I felt my heart sinking toward dread...and was able to stop it. (The sinking, not my heart!) 

No, this wasn’t in the plan. 

Yes, I was less-than-thrilled. 

No, this wasn’t in the budget.

Yes, I knew Daniel would be less-than-easy-to-live-with for the rest of the day.


I could tell the “this entire trip has now been ruined” story. And it would be true.

Or, I could tell the “95% of trip this has been great and need not be overshadowed by the bummer 5%.” And it would be true.


The Stories of Christmas Past

On Day 4, I wrote about holiday regrets: guilt and shame over things I did (or failed to do) in holidays past.

Today, I want to touch on the flip-side: the resentment and bitterness I harbor toward others for the discomfort they caused in holidays past.

For too many years, when I’ve thought of the holidays, I thought only of
  • the hours and hours and hours it took to untangle the string of lights and find the one bulb that needed to be replaced so we could get on with decorating the tree
  • the itchy long-sleeved high-necked wool dress I had to wear that made me squirm and flush for hours
  • the arguments -- which started in loud English and moved into harsh German -- between Mother, Aunt Carrie, and Grandma when Grandma (as always!) insisted she didn’t need/want the gift they’d gotten her
  • the boyfriend who broke up on me the day after Christmas (he said he would have done so earlier but “didn’t want to ruin Christmas”)
  • the profanity-laced tirade unleashed on me and my toddlers when plans for Christmas Day did not go according to one family member’s preferences


Reading this list, you may –- as I have for years -– consider me petty and unforgiving. High-maintenance. 

Well-meaning friends have told me to 
  • “Just stop focusing on the negatives!”
  • “Just let it go.”
  • “Just think about other things.”
  • “Just forgive and forget.”
  • “Just move on.”

Which I have tried, for years, and failed.

Which means I’ve approached each Christmas with ever-increasing dread of the inevitable memories and accompanying resentments. 

I mean, what kind of person (let alone a so-called Christian!) ruins her own holidays by replaying old hurts instead of celebrating Christ’s birth?


A Highly Sensitive Person

One reason that The PURSE-onality Challenge has been such an important journey for me is that it’s given me tools that help me take responsibility for myself.

My highly-sensitive self. 

Not “too sensitive.”

Not “overly emotional.”

Not “unforgiving.”

Not “over-reactive.” 

Not “grudge-holding.”



Highly Sensitive at Christmas

I’ve been finishing Lysa Terkeurst’s book Made to Crave this week. And I had to chuckle at God’s impeccable timing as I read these words in chapter 18:
  
“If Mark were the only gospel where Jesus’ entrance to this world was mentioned, Christmas would look vastly different….Mark’s Christmas message:
  
Repentance....

Jesus whispers to me….I am calling you to repent. 

This is the way you need to prepare for Christmas in your heart this year.”


All these years, I’ve been telling and re-telling myself stories guaranteed to make me miserable all throughout November and December. 

As with most of my unhealthy habits, I've done so not out of stupidity or stubbornness. 

I've done so out of a place of fear.

It was all I knew how to do.

This year, I have options.

This year, I can stay in a place of forgiveness. 

He is so rich in kindness and grace 
that he purchased our freedom 
with the blood of his Son 
and forgave our sins. 

Ephesians 1:7 (NLT)


This year, I can choose to tell -- and live -- new stories.
  • Stories about hours spent together in the kitchen and around the dining room table.
  • Stories about laughing over old jokes and memories of old times.
  • Stories about catching up with what's happening in everyone's lives and seeing pictures of the newest babies.

Stories about love and joy and peace.

And they will all be true.


Your Turn!
  • What kinds of stories do you tend to tell yourself about the upcoming holidays? 
  • Do you tend to become overwhelmed by negativity or are you able to moderate your reaction to it?
  • Are you a highly-sensitive person or do you know someone who is?
  • Anything else on your heart!



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Grace for the Good Girl: The "Fruits" of People-Pleasing

August 1-15, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here. 

 (Also, LifeWay Christian Stores has Grace for the Good Girl on sale for just $6.99!)
“For all the times I rush around...trying to fix and influence the people and circumstances around me, I simultaneously feel resentful that I am the one to manage it all. Why doesn’t anyone else fix this? Why do I have to be the one?

“You feel lonely, unimportant, and not-as-good-as, while at the same time you experience feelings of deep resentment toward those who always turn to you. You have trained people to think you have no needs, but you are secretly angry with them for believing you.”



"Just" Perfectionism

When I launched the “Women Trying to Measure Up” survey in June, my main target was perfectionism. 

I’d just performed my paradigm-shifting monologue: The PERFECT(ionism) Crime. 

I was making progress on my long-stalled graduate degree by submitting work that was “good enough.”

I’d met my enemy, and it was going down. 

Bye-bye perfectionism!

Hello new, free me!


People-Pleasing: Ewww!

Then I read the survey comments on people-pleasing and just about had a heart attack.

Responders used a wide variety of descriptive words to characterize perfectionists, performers, and procrastinators. 

But for people-pleasers, two words kept showing up.

Over and over again.

Two words that terrified me because they describe the condition of my heart for decades:

"resentful" and "bitter"


People-Pleasing: Me, Too?!?

I have never thought of myself as a people-pleaser, “just” a perfectionist.

And yet here I sat, 45 years old, well into mid-life, being smacked by reality.

I can't count the number of times I've smilingly offered to "help out" while thinking, I hope they appreciate what a sacrifice I'm making...

The times I've said, "Oh, sure, no problem!" while thinking, This is going to cost me three nights of sleep...

The times I've bitten my tongue while thinking, Only a complete jerk would do what he just did...

My reward for years of doing (or not doing), saying (or not saying), reacting (or not reacting) “for the good of others”?

resentment and bitterness


Living for Others

The crazy thing is that I've truly believed I was making the best, most noble, most loving choices when I denied myself and lived for others.

Only now am I starting to see the stark, day-and-night contrast between the stories I've told myself and the realities that everyone else in my life have been experiencing.

Am I suggesting that I quit thinking about others completely?  

Not at all. 

I'm guessing there's a balance between people-pleasing and true service. 

 (I say "guessing" because I've so clearly not achieved it!)

And I suspect that one way to tell is by the fruits of our choices.


God-Pleasing

Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruits of listening to and following the leading of the Holy Spirit (do you see "resentment" or "bitterness" on it? Me neither...)

love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

These are the fruits of God-pleasing.

I'm tired of bitter fruit. I suspect my family and friends are, too.

I want to "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Ps. 34:8) and share His relationship-nurturing fruit with those I love.



Your Turn!
  • Do you find resentment and bitterness showing up unexpectedly in your life? In what situations?
  • Do you consider yourself a people-pleaser? Under what circumstances?
  • How would your life be different if you shifted from people-pleasing to God-pleasing?
  • Anything else on your heart!




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