“It happened again.”
Oh, how I’d love to hide behind a passive verb as if I’m a victim to whom and around whom things simply “happen”!
“Oops, I did it again.”
Oh, how I’d love to be flippant and funny, and simply write this off as another example of Cheri’s quirky charm.
“I did it. Again.”
I feel guilt and shame welling up as I think about yesterday’s incident.
But thanks to a paradigm-shifting devotional I read a couple of weeks ago -- "When You're Wrong, Even Though You're Right" -- instead of stewing in self-loathing, I pray.
Lord, what do you want me to learn from my choices? About what do You want to convict me?
8 Months Ago
During Warm-Up Week to The PURSE-onality Challenge, I shared the mortifying story of how I’d snapped at our youth pastor in front of the entire student body during chapel one day.
I’d chosen complaining when I should have gone for problem-solving.
I closed that blog post with this graphic analogy:
“Complaining made me feel better in the moment, but it was really like dabbing concealer on an angry infected zit.”
And this oh-so-relevant scripture:
"Do everything without complaining or arguing,
so that you may become blameless and pure,
children of God without fault
in a crooked and depraved generation,
in which you shine like stars in the universe
as you hold out the word of life..."
Philippians 2:14-16a
4 Months Ago
I had the unsettling discovery that I’m not “just” a recovering perfectionist; I’m a died-in-the-wool (what does that actually mean?!?) people-pleaser.
My rewards for years of doing (or not doing), saying (or not saying), reacting (or not reacting) “for the good of others” are resentment and bitterness.
2 Months Ago
I did a post-mortum on “the thumb drive incident” in which I was forced to recognize what a knee-jerk reaction people-pleasing really is for me.
I people-please without thinking.
At all.
It’s my default setting.
Yesterday
I did it. Again.
I'd swallowed my truth until I could contain no more, and then I started spewing resentment and bitterness on unsuspecting victims.
And as I pray Lord, what do you want me to learn from my choices? About what do You want to convict me?
I hear Him saying:
Your old tools no longer work. They’ve never worked. You’re just now seeing how completely broken they’ve always been.
Your old tools no longer work. They’ve never worked. You’re just now seeing how completely broken they’ve always been.
You can’t stuff your feelings, your reality, your truth any more. You realize that pretending “I’m fine!” is nothing but glorified lying and cheating and stealing.
Your old tools have finally and fully failed you. So you are experiencing how completely broken you are without Me.
Quit reaching for your old tools.
I will teach you a better way.
Reach for Me.
Your Turn:
- What's an "I did it. Again." that you're struggling with?
- What old tool(s) are you ready to recognize as broken?
- How do you quit reaching for old tools and reach for God instead?
- Anything else on your heart!
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