The "Con-" Job on Women

If you're joining us from Karen Ehman's blog, WELCOME!  

For a FREE copy of my eBook 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime for Each PURSE-onality, head on over and "Like" my Facebook page!

Although we just wrapped up October's "A Holiday-Ready Heart" Challenge, any day can be Day 1!  You'll find links to all the blog/vlog post here:  "Why Expectations are Always an EpicFail."

---

During November and December, I'll be studying hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays".

This week, I'm giving away a copy of Karen Ehman's new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith.  

(If you're a parent, check out "Raising Kids to be Independent Adults: How to LET. THEM. GO." over at The M.O.M. Initiative!)

---

Bee-bee-bee-bee-beep!”

This is the 5th time the timer has gone off.

The 5th time I’ve gotten up from my comfy chair in the living room to traipse into the kitchen to finally take the quiche out of the oven.

Except each time, it hasn’t been quite done. So I’ve set the timer for 2 more minutes.

Of course, I can’t just stand there, wasting two whole minutes. So I’ve come back to the living room just long enough to start a sentence, when...

Bee-bee-bee-bee-beep!”

The sound that can turn an auditory processor like me into a raving lunatic in mere seconds.

So I head into the kitchen yet again, hoping the quiche is done this time.


It Comes With the Territory

Ironically, the sentence I’ve been trying to start for (well over!) 10 minutes is this:



“Hi, my name is Cheri, and I’m a control freak.”

What can I say: I’m a Choleric.

My parents are both Cholerics.

Jus' sayin’ I “come by it honestly” (as my dad puts it)!

Of course, the Choleric’s explicit life goal is CONTROL. And everyone knows she’ll “lose it” if she doesn’t get it.

But each PURSE-onality seeks control in her own way: Sanguines by charm, Melancholies by moods, and Phlegmatics by procrastination. (I’ll elaborate on these over the next couple of weeks!)

As an obvious control freak, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the release of Karen Ehman’s book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith!


The Devil’s “Con-” Job

I started reading it this weekend and was struck by Karen’s juxtaposition of “conscientious” and “controlling”:

“There exists a minuscule line between being conscientious and being controlling. A marker so fine, we women cross it without even noticing that it’s stretched out right there in front of us, waiting to trip us up.”

What starts out as con-cern...

...morphs into con-trol...

...which, unchecked, becomes con-tempt.

Has the devil done a “con-” job on us women, or what?

LET. IT. GO.

Show me your ways, O LORD

teach me your paths;

guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

Psalm 25:4-5

[emphasis mine]

For the next couple of weeks, I'll be blogging my way through LET. IT. GO. 

This humorous, yet spiritually practical book will help us learn how to control what we should, trust God with what we can’t, and more importantly, decide which one is which!

Karen Ehman, a recovering control freak, will equip us to:

• Draw the line between mothering and micromanaging

• Influence our husbands instead of manipulating them

• Take control of our schedule yet welcome interruptions from God

• Learn to control our emotions when we can’t control the circumstances

• Stop pursuing the appearance of perfection and start pursuing the person of God

Your Turn:

• 
In what area of your life do you have the greatest struggle over control?

• What overly-controlling thing would you go back and not do, if you could?

• Anything else on your heart!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

TPC "lite": Not My Mess

(Enter this week's drawings via Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post!)

I’m in trouble.

I started photographing “trouble spots” in the garage and got stuck within 10 seconds.

Right here.

Stuck at this stack.

This stack that would not be here if I had my way.

This stack that contains

• a backpack designed to carry our camera, the lenses, and a laptop computer. “We” purchased it right on the heels of our camera (neither of which were in the budget by any stretch of the imagination!) I didn’t think “we” would ever use it, and yet “we” paid...er...an amount with three digits before the decimal (and the first digit wasn’t a 1.)

• a speaker that hasn’t worked for decades. (But it’s going to be fixed just as soon as…)

• a rolling duffel that is broken in 5 places to the point it does not roll. If I even try to use it, I re-injure my back. And yet “we” keep it because it’s a great duffel that we might need…

• two old Bissel spot cleaners, neither of which have worked in years. I bought a brand new Little Green Machine a couple of years ago, which we love (and use!) all the time. (But these are going to be fixed just as soon as…)

Replacing “Baditude”

So much baditude in so little time!

(So much for the idea of “any ‘baditude’ that might crop up during the de-cluttering process”!)

Behind this stack, I hear powerful stories hiding. Stories of

• Choleric anger:  “if I had my way”

• Accusation:  “neither of which were in the budget…”

• Victimization:  “If I even try to use it…”

• Contempt:  “But it’s going to be fixed just as soon as…” and “I bought a brand new...”

The message of all my “baditude”: This. Is. Not. My. Mess.

With God’s Word

On Day 1 of The PURSE-onality Challenge, I wrote about negative self-talk. 

Now I hear how negatively I’m talking to myself about someone else. Right now, it’s my husband.  But I’m an equal opportunity griper!  Get in “my way,” and have I got a story for you...about you!  (And it does not end “happily ever after”!)

(Can't see image? Read Ephesians 1:4 right here!)

I am loved...and so is Daniel. So is every person who does (or doesn’t) do what I don’t (or do) want them to do.

On Day 2, I wrote about believing God when He says that He chose me.

He chose each one of us and gave us freedom of choice. And I’m finding that I do not respect Daniel’s God-given freedom to choose. It’s almost as if I believe my choices are more important than Daniel’s freedom...as if I know better than God. (Which turns out to be a recurring theme of The PURSE-onality Challenge!) 

(Can't see image? Read John 15:16 right here!)

I am chosen...and so is Daniel. Whether or not his choices match mine. 

I need to let go of the “Not. My. Mess.” stories. 

I need to Let God love me...and teach me how to love Daniel despite “the stack.”

I need to let go of my desire to control other’s choices.

I need to Let God choose me...and teach me to respect Daniel’s freedom to choose.

And Gratitude

“When it comes to gratitude, the word that jumped out at me througout the research process is practice…..For years, I subscribed to the notion of an ‘attitude of gratitude.’ 

I’ve since learned that…‘having an attitude’ doesn’t always translate into a behavior…..It seems that gratitude without practice may be a little like faith without works–it’s not alive.”  (The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown, pgs. 78-79)

In my journal:

Today I’m praying... 

• to accept that this stack is, in fact, “my mess.”

• for compassion as I recognize–once again!–my judgmental, controlling attitudes.

• for forgiveness for trying to be “mess-free” on my own power.

• for a contrite heart as I seek Daniel’s forgiveness for my disrespectful words and deeds.

• to receive Your love fully and rest in it.

Today I’m watching for…

• an opportunity to thank Daniel for fixing something around the house. 

• an chance to speak Daniel’s love language through an “act of service.”

• a way to show Daniel that after 25 years, I’d choose him all over again.

Today I’m appreciating…

• the prompting to apologize for snapping at Daniel yesterday and the insights about what “triggered” me that I can now bring to You to work through.

• that Daniel chose to sit and listen to me share my discouragement with certain aspects of this school year...without interrupting or trying to solve my problems. 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Warm-Up Day 6: Fixating on Weaknesses

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 

How I love the disclaimer!

“if it is possible” – notice that big, beautiful if?

My natural instinct says, “Oh well, all the people in my life are so messed up, I guess living at peace with everyone just isn’t possible for me. Shucky darn!”

But the Holy Spirit keeps redirecting my gaze to the middle phrase, that annoying “as far as it depends on you” part. 

More Like Me

Left to my own devices, I happily interpret “as far as it depends on you” to mean that I should pour my efforts into making others more like me.  

I mean, if everyone did everything my way, surely we’d all be at peace! 

(I know I would!)

However, God keeps reminding me that the job of creating others in One’s own image is filled. 

(Such the disappointment!)

I Accuse

Focusing on negatives is such a knee-jerk reaction for me (and some of you have said you're the same way!) 

Especially if your personality is different from mine, I'll hyper-focus on your weaknesses.

I start thinking in accusations:

• “I can’t believe you said ___!”

• “How on earth could you _____?”

• “A good ___ would never ___!”

• “At least I don’t _____!”

Accuse means to “call into account” and “charge with a crime.” So when I fixate on your weaknesses, I literally start thinking of you as a criminal!

I Abuse

Repeatedly accusing you, even if it’s “just” in my mind, leads to a huge (but unspoken) issue for many Christian women today:  contempt.

According to marriage researcher John Gottman, 

“...criticism is bad, because it is a global condemnation of a person's character.  But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. 

Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone.” 

I Excuse

When I harbor contempt for you, I self-justify all my complaining, criticism, gossip, sarcasm, plus a whole host of other ill treatment. In fact, I convince myself that my bad behavior is all your fault!

You brought it on yourself. 

You asked for it.

You'll have to change before I’ll change how I treat you.

Right back where I started.

Trying to make you more like me.

Which, at its core, is idolatry.

My Finest "Foot in Mouth" Moment 

This humiliating event happened two decades ago. I'm grateful that I had to face my capacity for contempt early in our marriage:

I am right.

Far better than that: he is wrong.

And I am here to witness it!

Our weekly visit to the OB/Gyn started out normally enough. Daniel parked the car and helped me out. I started waddling to the front entry doors of the hospital but soon realized that I was on my own. When I turned around, I discovered Daniel marching of in a completely different direction.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Follow me!" was his only reply.

Now I'm a Choleric personality. I don't like being told what to do. And I really hate being told what to do without a reasonable explanation.

I pause momentarily and follow purely from vanity; being enormously pregnant, I prefer to be seen with my husband rather than wandering around alone.

As Daniel leads me up unfamiliar stairs, my annoyance threatens to blossom into anger. Who does he think he is, leading an 8-months-pregnant woman on some wild goose chase? This is ridiculous!

But my anger is interrupted by a most delectable thought: What if he's wrong? What if he has no clue where he's going and is just bluffing?

A delicious glee wells up inside. Obviously, he's lost. This means that my "I married Mr. Right but didn't realize his first name was Always" husband is about to be Mr. W-r-o-n-g.

Finally!

I am right.

He is wrong.

And I am here to witness it!

Smugly, I follow with feigned compliance. With each corner we turn, my anticipation grows. He's wrong. He's wrong. He's wrong. NAH-na-NAH-na-NAH-NA!

I can tell from his face that he is about to give up. As he grasps the doornob of what I know would be the last door before he turns to me and says those magical, never-before-heard-from-a-Melancholy words, "I'm wrong," I set off inner fireworks, launching my victory party.

Startled, I se my doctor's office window; behind the receptionist, the clock points to our precisely on time arrival.

How is this possible? As my inner expectations clashed with outer reality, I look at Daniel in wide-eyed amazement. My Sanguine mouth goes into motion with no filtering from my brain, and I blurt out,

"You do know something I don't know!"

And it's not until I se the wide-eyed amazement on Daniel's face that I rewind.

Hear what I've just said.

And recognize that this is what I've been saying, in attitudes and actions, from the moment we said, "I do."

(Come back tomorrow for "Spotlighting Strengths"!)

Q4U:  

Leave a comment to be entered into this week's drawing for a copy of Dangerous Surrender: What Happens When You Say "Yes" to God by Kay Warren!

• What does Romans 12:18 say to you today?

• Have you been the object of someone else's contempt? 

• Who do you find yourself mentally accusing? Where are you on the path toward contempt for this person? 

The PURSE-onality Challenge: 31 days of replacing "baditude" with God's Word and Gratitude! 

Click here for more details!

Warm-Up Week, Day 1:  What's Wrong With It?

Warm-Up Week, Day 2:  The Heart and Mouth Connection

Warm-Up Week, Day 3:  Tunnel of Grudge or a New Train of Thought?

Warm-Up Week, Day 4:  Complaining vs. Problem-Solving

Warm-Up Week, Day 5:  The Perks and Perils of "Being Heard"