The PURSE-onality Challenge: Accusations

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I’m in trouble.

I started photographing “trouble spots” in the garage and got stuck within 10 seconds.

Right here.

Stuck at this stack.

This stack that would not be here if I had my way.

This stack that contains

a backpack designed to carry our camera, the lenses, and a laptop computer. “We” purchased it right on the heels of our camera (neither of which were in the budget by any stretch of the imagination!) I didn’t think “we” would ever use it, and yet “we” paid...er...an amount with three digits before the decimal (and the first digit wasn’t a 1.)

a speaker that hasn’t worked for decades. (But it’s going to be fixed just as soon as…)

a rolling duffel that is broken in 5 places to the point it does not roll. If I even try to use it, I re-injure my back. And yet “we” keep it because it’s a great duffel that we might need…

two old Bissel spot cleaners, neither of which have worked in years. I bought a brand new Little Green Machine a couple of years ago, which we love (and use!) all the time. (But these are going to be fixed just as soon as…)

Replacing “Baditude”

So much baditude in so little time!

(So much for the idea of “any ‘baditude’ that might crop up during the de-cluttering process”!)

Behind this stack, I hear powerful stories hiding. Stories of

Choleric anger: “if I had my way”

Accusation: “neither of which were in the budget…”

Victimization: “If I even try to use it…”

Contempt: “But it’s going to be fixed just as soon as…” and “I bought a brand new...”

The message of all my “baditude”: This. Is. Not. My. Mess.

With God’s Word

On Day 1 of The PURSE-onality Challenge, I wrote about negative self-talk.

Now I hear how negatively I’m talking to myself about someone else. Right now, it’s my husband. But I’m an equal opportunity griper! Get in “my way,” and have I got a story for you...about you! (And it does not end “happily ever after”!)

(Can't see image? Read Ephesians 1:4 right here!)

I am loved...and so is Daniel. So is every person who does (or doesn’t) do what I don’t (or do) want them to do.

On Day 2, I wrote about believing God when He says that He chose me.

He chose each one of us and gave us freedom of choice. And I’m finding that I do not respect Daniel’s God-given freedom to choose. It’s almost as if I believe my choices are more important than Daniel’s freedom...as if I know better than God. (Which turns out to be a recurring theme of The PURSE-onality Challenge!)

(Can't see image? Read John 15:16 right here!)

I am chosen...and so is Daniel. Whether or not his choices match mine.

I need to let go of the “Not. My. Mess.” stories.

I need to Let God love me...and teach me how to love Daniel despite “the stack.”

I need to let go of my desire to control other’s choices.

I need to Let God choose me...and teach me to respect Daniel’s freedom to choose.

And Gratitude

“When it comes to gratitude, the word that jumped out at me througout the research process is practice…..For years, I subscribed to the notion of an ‘attitude of gratitude.’

I’ve since learned that…‘having an attitude’ doesn’t always translate into a behavior…..It seems that gratitude without practice may be a little like faith without works–it’s not alive.” (The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown, pgs. 78-79)

In my journal:

Today I’m praying...

to accept that this stack is, in fact, “my mess.”

for compassion as I recognize–once again!–my judgmental, controlling attitudes.

for forgiveness for trying to be “mess-free” on my own power.

for a contrite heart as I seek Daniel’s forgiveness for my disrespectful words and deeds.

to receive Your love fully and rest in it.

Today I’m watching for…

an opportunity to thank Daniel for fixing something around the house.

an chance to speak Daniel’s love language through an “act of service.”

a way to show Daniel that after 25 years, I’d choose him all over again.

Today I’m appreciating…

the prompting to apologize for snapping at Daniel yesterday and the insights about what “triggered” me that I can now bring to You to work through.

that Daniel chose to sit and listen to me share my discouragement with certain aspects of this school year...without interrupting or trying to solve my problems.

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“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

How I love the disclaimer!

“if it is possible” – notice that big, beautiful if?

My natural instinct says, “Oh well, all the people in my life are so messed up, I guess living at peace with everyone just isn’t possible for me. Shucky darn!”

But the Holy Spirit keeps redirecting my gaze to the middle phrase, that annoying “as far as it depends on you” part.

More Like Me

Left to my own devices, I happily interpret “as far as it depends on you” to mean that I should pour my efforts into making others more like me.

I mean, if everyone did everything my way, surely we’d all be at peace!

(I know I would!)

However, God keeps reminding me that the job of creating others in One’s own image is filled.

(Such the disappointment!)

I Accuse

Focusing on negatives is such a knee-jerk reaction for me (and some of you have said you're the same way!)

Especially if your personality is different from mine, I'll hyper-focus on your weaknesses.

I start thinking in accusations:

“I can’t believe you said ___!”

“How on earth could you _____?”

“A good ___ would never ___!”

“At least I don’t _____!”

Accuse means to “call into account” and “charge with a crime.” So when I fixate on your weaknesses, I literally start thinking of you as a criminal!

I Abuse

Repeatedly accusing you, even if it’s “just” in my mind, leads to a huge (but unspoken) issue for many Christian women today: contempt.

According to marriage researcher John Gottman,

“...criticism is bad, because it is a global condemnation of a person's character. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level.

Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone.”

I Excuse

When I harbor contempt for you, I self-justify all my complaining, criticism, gossip, sarcasm, plus a whole host of other ill treatment. In fact, I convince myself that my bad behavior is all your fault!

You brought it on yourself.

You asked for it.

You'll have to change before I’ll change how I treat you.

Right back where I started.

Trying to make you more like me.

Which, at its core, is idolatry.

My Finest "Foot in Mouth" Moment

This humiliating event happened two decades ago. I'm grateful that I had to face my capacity for contempt early in our marriage:

I am right.

Far better than that: he is wrong.

And I am here to witness it!

Our weekly visit to the OB/Gyn started out normally enough. Daniel parked the car and helped me out. I started waddling to the front entry doors of the hospital but soon realized that I was on my own. When I turned around, I discovered Daniel marching of in a completely different direction.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Follow me!" was his only reply.

Now I'm a Choleric personality. I don't like being told what to do. And I really hate being told what to do without a reasonable explanation.

I pause momentarily and follow purely from vanity; being enormously pregnant, I prefer to be seen with my husband rather than wandering around alone.

As Daniel leads me up unfamiliar stairs, my annoyance threatens to blossom into anger. Who does he think he is, leading an 8-months-pregnant woman on some wild goose chase? This is ridiculous!

But my anger is interrupted by a most delectable thought: What if he's wrong? What if he has no clue where he's going and is just bluffing?

A delicious glee wells up inside. Obviously, he's lost. This means that my "I married Mr. Right but didn't realize his first name was Always" husband is about to be Mr. W-r-o-n-g.

Finally!

I am right.

He is wrong.

And I am here to witness it!

Smugly, I follow with feigned compliance. With each corner we turn, my anticipation grows. He's wrong. He's wrong. He's wrong. NAH-na-NAH-na-NAH-NA!

I can tell from his face that he is about to give up. As he grasps the doornob of what I know would be the last door before he turns to me and says those magical, never-before-heard-from-a-Melancholy words, "I'm wrong," I set off inner fireworks, launching my victory party.

Startled, I se my doctor's office window; behind the receptionist, the clock points to our precisely on time arrival.

How is this possible? As my inner expectations clashed with outer reality, I look at Daniel in wide-eyed amazement. My Sanguine mouth goes into motion with no filtering from my brain, and I blurt out,

"You do know something I don't know!"

And it's not until I se the wide-eyed amazement on Daniel's face that I rewind.

Hear what I've just said.

And recognize that this is what I've been saying, in attitudes and actions, from the moment we said, "I do."

(Come back tomorrow for "Spotlighting Strengths"!)

Q4U:

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