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I’m in trouble.
I started photographing “trouble spots” in the garage and got stuck within 10 seconds.
Right here.
Stuck at this stack.
This stack that would not be here if I had my way.
This stack that contains
- a backpack designed to carry our camera, the lenses, and a laptop computer. “We” purchased it right on the heels of our camera (neither of which were in the budget by any stretch of the imagination!) I didn’t think “we” would ever use it, and yet “we” paid...er...an amount with three digits before the decimal (and the first digit wasn’t a 1.)
- a speaker that hasn’t worked for decades. (But it’s going to be fixed just as soon as…)
- a rolling duffel that is broken in 5 places to the point it does not roll. If I even try to use it, I re-injure my back. And yet “we” keep it because it’s a great duffel that we might need…
- two old Bissel spot cleaners, neither of which have worked in years. I bought a brand new Little Green Machine a couple of years ago, which we love (and use!) all the time. (But these are going to be fixed just as soon as…)
Replacing “Baditude”
So much baditude in so little time!
(So much for the idea of “any ‘baditude’ that might crop up during the de-cluttering process”!)
Behind this stack, I hear powerful stories hiding. Stories of
- Choleric anger: “if I had my way”
- Accusation: “neither of which were in the budget…”
- Victimization: “If I even try to use it…”
- Contempt: “But it’s going to be fixed just as soon as…” and “I bought a brand new...”
The message of all my “baditude”: This. Is. Not. My. Mess.
With God’s Word
On Day 1 of The PURSE-onality Challenge, I wrote about negative self-talk.
Now I hear how negatively I’m talking to myself about someone else. Right now, it’s my husband. But I’m an equal opportunity griper! Get in “my way,” and have I got a story for you...about you! (And it does not end “happily ever after”!)
(Can't see image? Read Ephesians 1:4 right here!)
On Day 2, I wrote about believing God when He says that He chose me.
He chose each one of us and gave us freedom of choice. And I’m finding that I do not respect Daniel’s God-given freedom to choose. It’s almost as if I believe my choices are more important than Daniel’s freedom...as if I know better than God. (Which turns out to be a recurring theme of The PURSE-onality Challenge!)
I am chosen...and so is Daniel. Whether or not his choices match mine.
I need to let go of the “Not. My. Mess.” stories.
I need to Let God love me...and teach me how to love Daniel despite “the stack.”
I need to let go of my desire to control other’s choices.
I need to Let God choose me...and teach me to respect Daniel’s freedom to choose.
And Gratitude
“When it comes to gratitude, the word that jumped out at me througout the research process is practice…..For years, I subscribed to the notion of an ‘attitude of gratitude.’
I’ve since learned that…‘having an attitude’ doesn’t always translate into a behavior…..It seems that gratitude without practice may be a little like faith without works–it’s not alive.” (The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown, pgs. 78-79)
In my journal:
Today I’m praying...
- to accept that this stack is, in fact, “my mess.”
- for compassion as I recognize–once again!–my judgmental, controlling attitudes.
- for forgiveness for trying to be “mess-free” on my own power.
- for a contrite heart as I seek Daniel’s forgiveness for my disrespectful words and deeds.
- to receive Your love fully and rest in it.
Today I’m watching for…
- an opportunity to thank Daniel for fixing something around the house.
- an chance to speak Daniel’s love language through an “act of service.”
- a way to show Daniel that after 25 years, I’d choose him all over again.
Today I’m appreciating…
- the prompting to apologize for snapping at Daniel yesterday and the insights about what “triggered” me that I can now bring to You to work through.
- that Daniel chose to sit and listen to me share my discouragement with certain aspects of this school year...without interrupting or trying to solve my problems.
