Showing posts with label NO RECORD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NO RECORD. Show all posts

Day 16: NO RECORD (+ How to Have Grudge-Free Holidays)


Each day during The PURSE-onality Challenge: "A Holiday-Ready Heart" in October, Untangling Christmas by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice, will be our give-away prize!  

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click here to enter!


Confessions a Grudge-Holder


During the holidays, I'm going to be mingling with a wide variety of friends and family members.

 And when I see some people, I'm going immediately think to myself, "There's the person who...
  • hung up on me in the middle of a phone call because I wouldn’t give her the information she wanted."
  • showed my children an 8-hour mini-series we never would have shown them."
  • mocked my new haircut which I was desperately trying to like."
  • went through my private drawers while visiting our house."
  • criticized me, loudly and in front of everyone, for disciplining my daughter on her birthday."

Love = Letting Go

God makes it clear that 
[Love] is not rude, 
it is not self-seeking, 
it is not easily angered, 
it keeps no record of wrongs. 

1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)

If love keeps no record of wrongs, but I do keep record of wrongs, then clearly I do not love.

I can not be a woman whose love protects and a woman who holds grudges. 

One or the other, not both.


1% or 99%?

For years, I didn’t just keep records of wrongs. I embellished those records. 

I’m part Armenian, so I grew up with “Why ruin a good story with the facts?” as my story-telling motto.

Problem is, I do the same with not-so-good stories, too.

Back in May, I wrote about “the sorbet incident.” It probably lasted all of 5, maybe 10, seconds. 

But when I’m in record-keeping mode, I can make any “incident” last 5 or 10 minutes...hours...days...weeks! 

I keep rehearsing it, filling in more and more awful details with each repetition. 

 Soon, what might have reflected 1% of a relationship now consumes 99% of my thoughts about that relationship.


The Cell Phone (Almost) Incident

A couple weeks ago, Daniel finally “had it up to here” with his Android cell phone. He pulled his old LG Voyager out of storage, marched into the Verizon store, and asked to have his old phone re-activated. 

“I know you got me the Android as a gift,” he said apologetically, “but I just can’t stand it any longer.”

I gave you the Android as a gift? This is news to me!

I’d given him the Voyager as a birthday gift about four years ago. But the Android joined the family (according to my best recall) when his Voyager battery started dying and our daughter convinced him to try an Android.

 I’d personally tried an Android for all of 2 miserable hours and gone straight back to a BlackBerry. So would never give a phone I'd hated to tears (yes, tears!) as gift.

And I was about to make 99% of my relationship with Daniel all about “helping” him remember this important fact.

Fortunately, my “baditude” got interrupted before it went that far.

Re-minding myself of promises from God’s word, I realized: 

it. doesn’t. matter. 

It's a far-less-than 1% moment. 

It’s over. 

 Keep no record.

Be a woman whose love protects.

Don’t hold a grudge. 

 Let it go.


The 5:1 “Baditude” Banishment Ratio

According to marriage researcher John Gottman, couples whose communication fall within a 5:1 ratio of positives to negatives are far less likely to divorce than those with lower ratios.

I’m applying this same ratio to all relationships. 

When I have a baditude-triggering encounter with a person, I’m challenging myself to actively seek 5 positive interactions with them ASAP.

This way, instead of a 1% issue metastasizing into 99% of my thoughts about that person, I’m intentionally filling my mind and heart with new positive experiences with them.

Experiences that crowd out the grudges.

Experiences that leave only room for love.

Love that keeps no record.

So I can be a woman whose love protects.


Your Turn:

  • Of what "wrongs" are you most likely to keep record?
  • How do you keep "little things" from growing way out of proportion in your own mind and heart?
  • Anything else on your heart!


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TPC "lite": Living Buy the Book (Part 2)


1 box of books ready to give away!

In a comment on June 18, Meghan Carver wrote, “I've been following your posts for a month or so and never commented, but this idea has been wiggling around in my mind for a while and you put words to it. 
Do I buy new (and unnecessary) clothes to make me feel better about myself? Do I buy unneeded knick-knacks and (let's be honest) clutter to make me feel better about my home? 
Sometimes the books I buy are truly helpful, but I can look back and see many times when I have bought books because I've been scared of making a decision or because I thought they might contain some magic to improve my life. 
Why is it so hard to find our worth in God?” 
Replacing Baditude
Waiting for a shelf of their own...
This is the bottom line issue for all of the "baditude" hiding behind my "stuff."  
My sense of worth.
Society relentlessly pounds women with messages about where to find worth. And holds up as role models those who accumulate the most and fanciest "stuff"!    
I remember walking into a popular store a few months before Christmas and recoiling at their huge banner proclaiming "The Power to GET!" above the credit card sign-up table. 
The message was crystal clear: What I have is not enough. Who I am is not enough. I need to GET. 
It doesn't matter to the store (or to my adversary!) WHAT I get. Just so long as I GET, GET, GET.
As if I can never get enough.
With God’s Word
On Day 16, I wrote about my urge to replace God by judging others and keeping score.
(Can't view image? Click here to read 1 Corinthians 13:5!)

Love doesn't record-keep!
On Day 17, I wrote about how the stories I tell myself determine my truth.
(Can't view image? Click here to read 1 Corinthians 13:6!)


Love rejoices with the truth.
I need to let go of all the useless emotional records I store with my books.
I need to Let God’s truth–that He wipes my records clean–truly sink in.
I need to let go of the old stories I tell myself as I remember when and why I bought each book.
I need to Let God author a new story; He is the ultimate authority on who I’m meant to be!
And Gratitude
from my journal:
Today I’m praying…
Lookin' spacious!

  • …for Your gentle power to simply let go of books that do not need to stay on my shelves.
  • …for the willingness to pause and rest as I de-clutter.

Today I’m watching for…
  • …other places I go to “find my worth” other than You.
  • …one small area in which I can bless my Melancholy husband with more order and less stuff.

Today I’m appreciating…
  • …the joy of releasing two big boxes of books!
  • …the open spaces on my bookshelves which mirror the opening places in my heart.



Your turn! 
  • What "baditude" has come from using your "power TO GET"? 
  • Behind what clutter do you store emotional records?  keep old stories? 
  • Other thoughts / reflections / insights on today's topic?
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Day 16: NO RECORD


Our Give-Away for Today!



The "What's for Dinner" Solution



It’s four o’clock. Do you know where your dinner is? For many women, dread turns to panic around 4:00 in the afternoon. That’s when they have to answer that age-old question, “What’s for dinner?” Many women resort to another supermarket rotisserie chicken or—worse yet—ordering dinner through a speaker. 
In The “What’s for Dinner” Solution, popular author and speaker Kathi Lipp provides a full-kitchen approach for getting dinner on the table every night. After putting her plan into action, women will
  • save time—with bulk shopping and cooking
  • save money—no more last-minute phone calls to the delivery pizza place
  • save their sanity—forget the last-minute scramble every night and know what they’re having for dinner

The book includes real recipes from real women, a quick guide to planning meals for a month, the best shopping strategies for saving time and money, and tips on the best ways to use a slow cooker, freezer, and pantry. With Kathi’s book in hand, there’s no more need to hit the panic button.
Kathi Lipp is a full-time speaker and writer as well as being the parent of four young adults with her husband, Roger in San Jose, CA. She speaks at retreats, conferences and women's events across the US. Find out more about Kathi, and get some great freebies, at http://www.kathilipp.com and Facebook. 

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“There are many areas where I need to adjust the desire to feel right. However, there is one that, even after reading today's post, I am still struggling with.


When people (co-workers, family, etc.) wrong intentionally and repeatedly, it feels impossible to shake the idea that justice should be served to them. 

It is maddening that they continue to "get away with" their bad behavior.”   Patti @ Pattiland  
(I love her post "The Avenged Hero"!)
  
I've been pondering this comment ever since Day 5: RIGHTEOUS. God does call some to a ministry of justice. 

But not me. At least, not yet.
Oh, I like to I tell myself that I have a keen sense of justice. 
After all, I’m a grudge-holder. I don’t just remember wrongs: I tell and re-tell my done-me-wrong stories. 
Did you know that my Amazon.com password has been I-HATE-AMAZON for the last two years because... (Oops! If I tell you, I’ll have to switch my bracelet!)
Seriously. Do I sound like a safe person for God to send on justice missions?
Hardly. I have a few other things to work on, first.
Starting with...
My Urge to Replace God
It's the early 80s. I'm a teenager. I hate being told what to do. I want to do my things, in my way, on my time. (Not much has changed in twenty-five years...!)
It's family worship time, and I feel persecuted. Imposed upon. I don't want to be here. 
Family rituals are sooo stoooopid. 
My father, attempting to draw me in to the family, invites me to read the evening scripture. 
I don't want to read. I alreaady know everything in there.
I take the Bible and begin to mechanically read aloud. My mind still stews over the injustice of the situation. 
I shouldn't have to be here. I'm old enough to make my own choices. I . . . I . . . I . . . 
I suddenly realize the room is deathly silent. And everyone is staring at me. Uh-oh. Something's not right. 
I do a quick mental rewind and replay of what I've just spoken. The results are so astonishing, I blurt out, 
"What did I just say?" 
My father -- with amazing vocal and facial restraint -- recites back my last words.
What I should have read?   "...as God commanded..."
But instead of reading the word "God" as clearly spelled out in the text, I've substituted a totally different word: Cheri.
My own name.
What I've actually just “read” aloud?  "...as Cheri commanded..."
I've unconsciously replaced “God” with myself.
I am still amazed by my parents' restraint that day. Oh, the scolding they could have given me! Instead, they left me to the Holy Spirit, who had a lot more room to work, my super-sized ego being greatly deflated.

I'd love to say that I've made this mistake only once in my life. But truth be told:
I struggle against replacing God with myself  every minute of every day of my life. 
I have to remind myself multiple times per day that . . . 
I AM NOT GOD.
So, what does this mean? 
Well, for one thing, it means that I can not create you (and especially not in my own image).
But I love telling other people what to do and how to do it!
Over twenty years ago, when we brought Annemarie home as an infant, Daniel was changing her diaper when I pointed out that he was doing it wrong. 
With a meaningful look, he asked me, “So, how much longer have you been a parent than I have?”
Point well made. But did I learn my lesson?  
Oh, no, I continue undaunted!  The urge to create you in my image is overwhelming. I can be...
  • ...polite: “Are you sure you want to do it that way…”
  • ...condescending: “Let me show you how it actually should be done.
  • ...dismayed: “No, no, no -- what on earth are you doing?”

I’m not sure where this impulse to tell other people how to live their lives a better way (MY way!) comes from. When I turn around, I notice (with disappointment) that there is no line of people waiting to learn how to be just like me!
And scripture makes it very clear:
"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them." Genesis 1:27
Does it say, “And Cheri created mankind in her own image.”?
I think not!  
I can not create you, especially not in my own image.
I AM NOT GOD.
The flip side is also true, that...

YOU ARE NOT GOD.
So what does this mean? 
You can not save me, especially not from my own issues.
For me, it was always a “BFF”:  Kimmi in 4th grade. Marcia in 6th grade. Suzie in junior high. Lisa in college.
When I got married, I expected my husband to be the male version of my best girlfriend. When that did not work out as planned, it was Shawna. Then Lori. Then...
What did I need my “best friends” to save me from? 
Simple loneliness. 
I’ve never liked being alone. I’ve never liked myself by myself. So I’ve used friends to save me from how inadequate I felt when I was alone.
But scripture makes it very clear:
"...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners…" 1 Timothy 1:15a
Does this say, “... Kimmi or Suzie or Lori or Daniel came into the world to save Cheri”?
I think not!  
You can not save me, especially from my own issues.
YOU ARE NOT GOD.
To Recap...
I AM NOT GOD.
YOU ARE NOT GOD.

Which means that…



WE ARE NOT GODS
God is the Creator. No matter how much we want to create each other in our own image, that job is taken.
Jesus Christ is the Savior. No matter how hard we try to get others to save us, that job is taken.
The Holy Spirit. Hey, how about the Holy Spirit? Maybe that job has an opening?
"...[the Holy Spirit] will convict the world of sin…"  John 16:8
I would LOVE this job!
I would be so good at it! I could so take my English teacher’s red pen to other peoples’ lives and show them the errors of their ways!
But would you believe that despite my awesome skills at recognizing other people’s mistakes, God has not yet even called me in to interview?
He keeps pointing me back to the mirror and my knees.
Does John 16:8 say,“Cheri will convict the world of sin”?
I think not!
We are not here to create each other.
We are not here to save each other.
We are not here to condemn each other.
WE ARE NOT GODS
However...

WE ARE GOD’S
And God says that the way people will know that we are His is that we “love one another.” John 13:35
Defining God's love in action, today’s verse says that 
(Can't see image? Click here to download 1 Cor. 13:5!)

Granted permission to execute justice, I would be all the things God is not: rude, self-seeking, angry, and grudge-holding.
God needs me to be a representative of His love, not a self-appointed vigilante. 
I pray that some day, He can trust me with justice. That instead of feeling eagerness to give others what they’ve got coming to them, my heart will break along with His. 
When I no longer demand justice, I may be safe to trust with it.
Until then, I’m going to keep working on learning how to love.
Until I love others as He loves me.
After all: WE ARE GOD'S.


Try this today: Listen for specific complaint, criticism, gossip, and/or sarcastic comment surrounding something that you've been "keeping record of" for a while. Have a heart-to-heart with God about this incident or issue or individual. Take the step He asks you to take.  

(Mine was to finally change my Amazon.com password!) 

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Please leave a comment 

  • responding to today’s blog, and/or
  • sharing your Day #1-16 experience of replacing “baditude” with God’s word and gratitude, and/or
  • about anything else on your heart!

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    (Catch up on any "Warm-Up Week" Blog Posts!)


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