7 Signs It’s Family Council Time

During November and December, I'll be studying hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays". This week, I'm giving away a copy of Karen Ehman's new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith.  

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I'd LOVE your input on the cover and title of my upcoming eBook based on May's The PURSE-onality Challenge!  If you take this short survey, the final question invites you to leave your name & e-mail address so I can send you a FREE copy of the eBook when it's done!

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The Extension Cord Calamity

Not again!

Another broken elliptical?

But this one is less than a year old!

Just as I start to panic, I notice a key detail: the cord is not plugged in. 

Confused, I step off to plug in the elliptical, only to discover that the cord is too short.

Suddenly, everything makes sense.

Flooding with anger, I stomp into the house.

I yank the orange extension cord out of the outlet in my child’s room, unplug their laptop from it, and stomp back out to the garage.

There’s nothing wrong with the elliptical.

But there is something wrong with adult children who come home and “borrow” my extension cord without asking!

Five minutes into exercising, I’ve calmed down enough to feel foolish.

An extension cord gets “borrowed” every time they come home for a vacation.

Every time, I get angry.

But I never do anything -- before, during, or after one of their visits -- to solve my problem.

LET. IT. GO.

As I said yesterday, I’ve read Chapter 6 of LET. IT. GO. -- “Hovering Over the Home” -- several times so that the lessons will sink in. 

In a section titled “House Rules in a Hushed Voice,” Karen says:

We need to review the ground rules (or lack thereof) in our homes. We must determine whether they are unreasonable or unfair. 

• Does everyone understand them?  

• Are any rules over the top and unnecessary, thereby showing our ugly roots of over-control?  

• Are we enforcing the rules in an atmosphere of counsel and soft answers or in an environment of combat and criticism?

And she recommends a family summit to discuss each member’s expectations in each area of the house. 

This, I realize, is exactly what we need to do. 

7 Signs It’s Family Council Time

Our family is at the empty (but occasionally-refilling) nest stage. 

Jonathon’s in his sophomore year of college, and Annemarie’s a senior. They come home for vacations. Jonathon was home all last summer, and Annemarie was back for several weekends and a full week. 

Behaviors I accepted from them as high school students (such as sleeping in on weekends) irritate me to no end now that they are young adults. 

And new behaviors have cropped up (such as making late-night noise that wakes me from sound sleep) for which I was unprepared.

As Daniel and I have tried to figure out “what’s going wrong,” we realize that our #1 issue is denial. We find it incomprehensible that our kids act so differently than we did when we were their age. And we keep expecting them to “snap out of it.”

So here are seven signs that I’m just now recognizing -- most in hindsight -- that tell me we’re long-overdue for a sit-down meeting to open up dialogue about what we each want, need, and expect in our home:

1. I find myself making excuses for the behavior so that each time it occurs, it seems reasonable for that specific circumstance.

2. I find myself resenting the behavior but not knowing how to address it since it’s happened so much by now.

3. I realize that I would not accept such behavior from a stranger or guest because it goes against my family values in some way.

4. I’ve started “dropping hints” and/or “taking pot-shots” about the behavior. The atmosphere in the house suffers, but the behavior goes unchanged.

5. I complain to other people who (a) aren’t involved in the situation and (b) can’t help change the situation. I may even be violating family confidentiality because I’ve just got to "vent".

6. My quality of life is compromised to some degree as a result of the behavior. I may try to tell myself that “it’s no big deal” but the cumulative effect makes it bigger every day.

7. My family has moved into a new season of life but is still living by the “rules” of the last season (or perhaps even 2-3 seasons ago!)

A benediction for our family council this week -- and for everyone's family time this Thanksgiving Day!

My your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,

even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33:22

Your Turn:

• Does your family have regular family councils?  Why or why not?  

• How explicit or implicit are the “rules” in your house?  How are they communicated?

• Has your family moved into a new season of life?  How are you adapting the “rules” to meet the needs of this new stage?  

• Anything else on your heart!

Do you have my FREE eBook:  

Top 10 Priceless Gifts for Each PURSE-onality that Don't Cost a Dime?

(If not, click the link above; it's free when you sign up for my newsletter!)

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The One Hope for a Marriage of Opposites

During November and December, I'll be diving into a personal Bible study of hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays."

Each week, I'll be giving away a book. This week's title is 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids by Kathi Lipp, with personality assessment and applications contributed by yours truly!

Head to Kathi's blog for an online assessment that will help you figure out your child's PURSE-onality, as well as some great freebie downloads: $15 Family Fun Nights, 50 Ways to Connect With Your Son, and 50 Ways to Connect With Your Daughter. Oh, and if you haven't already "Liked" Kathi on Facebook, I think you'd actually LOVE her!

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click to enter here.

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I'm working on an eBook compilation of May's The PURSE-onality Challenge blog posts and would LOVE your input via this title and cover survey!

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It's Marriage Monday over at Chrysalis, and today's topic is gender differences.

Feeling vs. Thinking

My husband dislikes emotions so much that he would become a Vulcan if only he could. 

I, on the other hand, am loving my new hobby of dramatic monologue. (As my instructor put it, my job as a performer is “to feel for the audience"!) 

My husband once told me, "I can't stand things that aren't logical!" in the morning and then "You're just so illogical!" in the afternoon.

And then was baffled when I came to the tearful conclusion that he couldn't stand me.

Ahhh, the joys of a T(hinker) married to an F(eeler)!

According to Meyers-Briggs, Daniel is an INTP, and I'm an ENFJ. 

We're pretty much as opposite as can be. And our opposite approaches to emotions has been the #1 cause of frustration in our marriage.

Expectations vs. Reality

I expected Daniel to be my male BFF once we got married: I would pour out my feelings, and he would hold me, stoke my hair, dry my tears. I would feel understood, validated, and comforted. Nirvana!

Imagine my surprise when it turned out that Daniel was pretty much allergic to tears. The only thing that made him more hostile was an incompetent driver! 

His solution to the issue of tears was an immediate barrage of logical information. Tears must be the result of incorrect information; thus, correct information should solve the problem.

Needless to say, his torrent of data did nothing to comfort me. In fact, to Daniel's dismay, it somehow made me feel worse! The more he explained, the more I cried; the more I cried, the more he explained.

If I Could Turn Back Time

As we meander through our 25th year of marriage, Daniel and I are reflecting back on our early years. With some regret, yes, but mostly sympathetic chuckles for our silly, stubborn, immature former selves.

If I could speak wisdom to newlywed me, it would sound a lot like Romans 5:3-5:

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, 

because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

And hope does not disappoint us, 

because God has poured out his love into our hearts 

by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I most certainly did not “rejoice” in my sufferings during the first decade of our marriage!

When Daniel and I got into one of our Thinker-vs-Feeler fights, I was devastated. I tried to make him empathize with me. When that didn’t work, I thought about leaving. Then I felt guilty, and I vowed to change who I was and become more like him.

We fought the same battle over and over -- his way vs. my way. We never progressed, and neither of us grew. 

What I Know Now

Through good books, counselors, and support groups, my immature expectations were finally challenged. 

I learned to reframe absolutes -- such as “I need Daniel to ______” -- as preferences. 

And when my actual valid needs went un-met, I learned to find appropriate ways to meet them, rather than resenting him for ignoring them.

I learned to turn to God, rather than a flawed fellow human, for my source of worth and identity. I was thrilled to discover that Jesus can handle women who cried; after all, he wept with them! 

My character began to change, but my goal was no longer to become like my husband so that he’d like me better and fight with me less. My new goal was to become more like Christ. A Christian in daily living, not just in name or habit.

For years, I had tried to work on my marriage. Or, to be more precise, I had tried to work on Daniel. Tried to turn him into the husband I’d expected so that we would have the marriage I’d expected.

But when I left Daniel alone and started working on my own “stuff,” my disappointment in him, and with our marriage, began to ebb. The more I grew, the more hope grew, too. 

How ironic: when I gave up my expectations, I got what I’d wanted all along.

Two Imperfect People Loved by One Perfect God

The perfect ending to this blog post would be for me to report that as I’ve become “less emotional,” Daniel has gotten more comfortable with emotions, right?

But Daniel is still allergic to my tears. (He bravely survived my first monologue performance in May, but it’s actually a good thing he missed my second one in October!)

No, the only "perfect ending" is the God who is still hard at work on both of us, pouring out His love into our perpetually empty hearts. He is the best -- and eternal -- hope for our marriage!

Try This:  

If you're not already familiar with the Meyers-Briggs inventory, check it out!  Personality Pathways gives you an overview. You can Google the actual test (...give yourself 20-30 minutes to take it!)

Your Turn:

• If you're familiar with your Meyers-Briggs "score," what are you? How does your pattern blend/not blend with those you're close to? What holiday (and everyday!) challenges do you face?

• How do you respond to the progression of "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope"? Is this encouraging or discouraging to you? Why?

• Anything else on your heart!

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Day 4: PURE (+ Goodbye, Ghosts of Christmas Past!)

Each day during The PURSE-onality Challenge: "A Holiday-Ready Heart" in October, Untangling Christmas by Karen Ehman and LeAnn Rice, will be our give-away prize!  

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click here to enter!

How It Works (via Bullet Points & Videos!)
Day 1: LOVED (+ 2 Vital Questions to Ask NOW)
Day 2: CHOSEN - Making Right Holiday Choices
Day 3: COMPLETE (+ 5 Gift-Giving Questions)

As a recovering perfectionist, I still struggle with regrets.

Holiday Guilt

Some of my regrets are valid, based on things I've done (or left undone.) Healthy guilt can move me toward restoration as I recognize my failures and repent.

One Christmas when I was a teenager, I realized on Christmas Eve that I had no gifts for my family members. Desperately trying to save face, I threw together haphazard, hideous creations that featured my school photo. 

As my brother and parents opened their "gifts," I realized how selfish I'd been in (a) neglecting to think ahead about gifts, and (b) trying to pass off last-minute sloppiness as something worth giving. 

I deserved to feel that guilt. I'd earned it, and I learned from it.

Holiday Shame

However, other regrets are fantastical, based on things far out of my control. Shame paralyzes me, convincing me that I am a mistake (vs. made a mistake) and am fatally flawed.

Years ago, I cross-stitched all my Christmas gifts. I put dozens of hours into each creation, selecting designs and colors that I felt certain each recipient would especially enjoy.

So I was caught completely off-guard when one person started to open their gift and exclaimed, as they saw the frame, "Oh, family photos! Finally!" Their face fell when they saw that "all" the frame contained was my cross-stitching.

I spent months berating myself for being so stupid. What's wrong with you? Why did you think they'd want your cross-stitching? Why didn't you think of family photos?  

I didn't deserve to feel that shame. I hadn't earned it, and I didn’t learn a thing from it. 

No Holiday Shame Needed

I sure wish I'd been mature enough to laugh off the cross-stitch disappointment. I could have hauled the family in to Sears photo studio the next week...but I'm not going to waste time wallowing in that regret!

According to God, my record is clean. 

God has united you with Christ Jesus. 

For our benefit God made Him to be wisdom itself. 

Christ made us right with God; 

he made us pure and holy,

and He freed us from sin. 

1 Corinthians 1:30 (NLT)

I don’t need to keep playing in the mud of my past. 

I don’t even need to approach December as a do-over, a chance to redeem my past mistakes.

I get to experience December 25, 2012 as the first Christmas I’ve ever had (this year)!

Can you feel the difference?

Instead of asking, “What can I do so that this year is better than last year? What can I do differently so that I don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past?”

I can ask:

“How will I celebrate Christmas this year because I am LOVED? because I am CHOSEN?  because I am COMPLETE?  because I am PURE?”

“How can my life express, “Happy Birthday!” to the One who has given me these amazing gifts?”

Pre-Thinking 4 Primary Holiday Regrets

Some holiday regrets are simply the result of miscommunication. We don’t realize our options. We don’t understand others’ preferences. We don’t recognize that our priorities are out of whack.

Making these simple questions a matter of conversation with God and family now can bring clarity over the upcoming weeks and months:

1)  What will I regret not doing that others legitimately need me to do for  them during the holidays?

2)  What will I regret not doing that I really need and/or want to do during the holidays?

3)  What will I regret doing that I really don’t need and/or want to do during the holidays?  

4)  What will I regret doing that others don’t legitimately need me to do for them during the holidays?

Your Turn

• What regrets do you have from past holidays? 

• Do you struggle more with guilt or shame?

• What are you feeling called to not do this year?

• What are you feeling prompted to do this year?

• Anything else on your heart!

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Grace for the Good Girl: I Don't Know How NOT To

August 1-14, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here.

(I've just gotten home from a week of travel; I'll catch up with comments and e-mails over the next few days!)

“I perform so you will like me. I perform so you will think I’m okay. I perform because it’s comfortable. I perform to prove my worth to you, to God, and to myself. I perform because I don’t know how not to.”

Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

All I Know How to Do, Part 1: Kathi

"I don't want to be the hardest-working person you know any more," I told Kathi in January.

"Cheri, I mean ‘hardest-working’ as a compliment!" she assured me.

"Oh, I know you do," I said. "And for all these years, I've considered it the highest praise. But now I'm realizing that you were praising me for–and I was even feeling good about–achieving a goal I don't even value."

"Huh?"

I sighed. 

"I've never wanted to be the hardest-working person anyone knows. I'd far rather be the most creative...the funniest...the quirkiest...pretty much anything other than the hardest-working!"

"Then why do you work so hard?" Kathi asked, looking confused.

"Because it's all I know how to do," I said, feeling dumb. "I get started and keep working and never know when to stop. I don't know how to tell if I've done enough. So I just keep working harder and harder."

"Even though you don't really want to?"

"Yeah."

"Wow. All this time, I thought you really liked working really hard."

All I Know How to Do, Part 2: Annemarie

"So would you believe that Kathi thought I actually liked being the 'hardest working person' she knows?" I told my 21-year-old daughter, Annemarie, as we were driving to the mall later that afternoon.

"Uhhh, yeah," she responded, looking confused.

Her, too?

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean that you seem to really like working hard–really hard–all the time," Annemarie said.

"I do?" I asked.

"Yeah."

All I Know How to Do, Part 3: Daniel

That night, as we climbed into bed, I asked Daniel, "So, would you believe that Annemarie thinks I actually enjoy working hard all the time?" 

"Of course," he said, "you do. You're always working. That's what makes you such a good teacher. I could never work as hard as you. I don't care enough to sacrifice the way you do."

Et tu, Brute? 

I Don’t Want to Any More

Talking to Kathi, Daniel, and Annemarie, felt like I was re-living the scene from Megamind in which Megamind tells his side-kick 

"Maybe I don't want to be the bad guy any more!"

Minion steps back in horror and gasps 

"Who. Are. You?"

Just Too Sensitive

Yesterday, I shared the “definition” of criticism that I’ve held for far too many years. While some items on the list have some merit in some situations, the list mostly serves as proof of what I’ve been told my entire life: 

“Cheri, you’re just too sensitive*.”

Along with the “too sensitive” label came this accusation:

“You’re choosing to feel this way. If you really wanted to, you would change.”

Choosing Requires Choices

For me, this “You’re CHOOSING to be TOO sensitive; otherwise you would CHANGE overnight” reasoning has been a source of extreme shame. 

On the surface, it’s sounded so logical. 

But I finally started wondering:  How can I choose something different when I don’t know any other alternatives?

Until there’s more than one option, I’m not choosing!

I’ve performed this way, I’ve worked this hard, and I’ve been this sensitive because it’s all I've known how to do. And I've truly not know how not to.

“To the Jews who had believed him, 
Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, 
you are really my disciples. 
Then you will know the truth, 
and the truth will set you free....
Very truly I tell you, 
everyone who sins is a slave to sin.... 
So if the Son sets you free, 
you will be free indeed.” 

John 8:31-32, 34, 36

For me right now, free means that I finally see the truth: I have many options and alternatives available.. 

I don't have to keep doing all I've ever known how to do.

And I can learn how not to! 

(*  ⅔ of the 300+ women who took the Women Trying to Measure Up survey in June have heard "You're just too sensitive!" regularly, which surprised me. I, of course, thought it was “just me”!)

Your Turn!

• How do those closest to you perceive you?  Is this a perception you like or would rather change?

• In what aspect(s) of your life do you feel like you aren't choosing because you don't see any choices other than the one you're already making?

• Anything else on your heart!

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