Desperation in Mothering ( +Give-Away of "Desperate"!)

• I am ruining my kids’ lives.

• It’s going to take years of therapy to un-do the damage.

• They deserve someone better than me.

By the time my kids were pre-schoolers, these thoughts ran through my head pretty much non-stop.

I Tried at Church

I’d started out with such optimism, sitting in the front row with my newborn and toddler when Daniel was appointed pastor of a small congregation. I so wanted our little family to worship together. 

But reality soon settled in...as I settled into the “Mothers’ Room.” (Although it was was more like “The Mother’s Room,” as I was the only woman in the congregation with small children!)  

Week in and week out, I entered my “isolation chamber,” feeling more and more distanced from the adults in church.

I Tried at Home 

I’d vowed not to be perfectionistic like my own mother. I wanted to be a fun, spontaneous, involved mom who focused on her children and really knew them.

But chaos soon settled in, bringing hordes of dust bunnies along. I invited friends over a few times, but each time I noticed the other moms rolling their eyes at my woefully inept housekeeping “skills.”  

When the reciprocal invitations came, I felt ashamed as I compared their beautifully-decorated, white-carpeted homes to my mess. I stopped inviting other mothers into to my home and felt even more alone.

I Tried a Moms’ Group 

I’d joined a local moms group that sponsored play dates at the park. Oh, how I longed for sympathetic mom-to-mom conversations! 

But disillusionment soon settled in. I came to dread the polarizing conversations that dominated what should have been casual chit-chat:  

• plastic vs. cloth?!?

• bottle vs. breast?!?

• crib vs. family bed?!?

• Ferber vs. Snugglie?!? 

The more heated the debates became, the more bewildered I felt. Why were we arguing? What good was this doing any of us? Why couldn’t we just support each other?  When I finally realized that I felt more alienated at the group than home alone, I quit.

Desperate

When Sarah Mae posted on Facebook, months ago, that her publisher was afraid that “Desperate” wasn’t a good title for her book, I responded with immediate vehemence: 

OH, how quickly I would have snatched up a book called Desperate when my children were little!

Sarah Mae calls it “the book that came out of my secret whispers, the ‘I just can’t be a mother today’ whispers to God.

And almost two decades later, I remember those days...and those whispers.

I remember feeling 

• desperate for someone who understood my struggles because she’d been through the same ones herself.

• desperate for someone who could tell me, “You’re all going to be okay!”

• desperate for someone with a few years under her belt who could talk me through the gap between who I was as a mom and who I wanted to become. 

Desperate is more than just a book. Through it, Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson are launching “A no-more-desperate-moms movement.” For more details, you can read more about it, enter the release week give-aways, and watch the promo video!

I’m giving away a copy of Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe this week. Enter via the Rafflecopter below!

Your Turn!

• If you’re a mother, what has made you feel most “desperate”?

• Why do women get into ____ vs. ____ conversations? 

• How can we be more supportive of each other while maintaining our integrity?

• Anything else on your heart!

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FREE "Overwhelmed" eBook from The M.O.M. Initiative!

(Today's blog is a guest post by Stephanie Shott of The M.O.M. Initiative where I'm a contributing member.)

NOW, more than ever, moms need mentoring mommas who are willing to share the gift of themselves!

NOW, more than ever, Titus 2 mommas are ready to step up to the plate and pour their lives into moms!

YOU CAN BE PART OF THE REVOLUTION

OF WOMEN WHO ARE READY AND WILLING TO

TAKE TITUS  2 TO THE STREETS!

BEGIN a M.O.M. Initiative Mentor Group in your area and begin to change the world, one mom at a time!

We have provided a 6 week experience with 31 stories from real moms who have walked in the shoes of the overwhelmed mom and found hope, healing and victory through walking with God and applying biblical truths to everyday life.

In Overwhelmed ~ 31 Stories from M.O.M., they share their stories.

Overwhelmed releases on January 7th, and it is our gift to the body of Christ…a FREE resource to help you begin or expand your mentoring ministry. Like Facing Our Fears ~ 31 Stories from M.O.M., Overwhelmed gives mentors the tools, the confidence and the support they need to boldly step into their Titus 2 shoes and nurture those mentor/mentee relationships.

THIS IS OUR GENERATION to make a difference for such a time as this.

The M.O.M. Initiative is here for you. To be a “mentoring hub” of sorts. A place where mentors can find resources and support and share their information, so that young moms in search of a mentor can find a mentor in their area, as well as the support and encouragement they need.

NOW IS THE TIME! 

WILL YOU JOIN THE REVOLUTION OF WOMEN WHO ARE WILLING AND READY TO PUT THEMSELVES OUT THERE AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

SIGN UP TODAY and you will receive Overwhelmed ~ 31 Stories from M.O.M. 

In Overwhelmed, each story includes reflective questions specifically designed to serve as conversation prompts and help foster the mentor/mentee relationship as you navigate the life of an overwhelmed mom together.

Here’s a brief look at what a mentoring ministry might look like for you:

• Schedule a time and place to meet weekly for six weeks.

• You and the mentee will read through 5 stories each week and be prepared when you meet together each week.

• As a mentor, you can rest in knowing, this biblically-based resource includes questions at the end of each story that are specifically designed to be a catalyst for conversation. This will give you, as a mentor, the confidence to know you won’t have to worry about that awkward silence that would normally leave you scrambling for something to say.

• The questions are also written to help you, as a mentor, reflect on your own story and share your failures as well as your successes with the kind of sincere transparency that will assure your mentee that she is not alone and that her mentor isn’t Pinterest perfect either.

• Your time together is a tool to nurture a relationship that will hopefully last long past the book.

Your Turn:

• If you're a mother, have you had a mentor? Who? Has it been a formal or informal relationship?

• Who have been your primary mentors in life (parenting or otherwise)? What vital lessons have you learned from your mentor(s)?

• Anything on your heart!

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Coming in January!

Click here --> to sign up

to receive Cheri's FREE eBook when it releases!

---

Looking for a simple way to keep scripture close at hand?

Click HERE for full details!

31 laminated cards in an organza draw-string bag...

images and word spacing designed to enhance memory

10 Lessons I've Learned from My 20-Year-Old

1st birthday & 2nd Christmas!

It's official.

I am no longer the mother of a teenager.

Jonathon turned 20 today.

I tried to think about all the things that make him the unique kid...er...young man he is. 

But rather than try to describe him in flowery prose, I thought I'd simply share some of the things I never would have learned without him in my life over the last two decades.

1.  C4 = the Combination to Any Lock

Jonathon's nickname is "Rico": as in "Kaboom-kaboom-kaboom?"..."Enough with the dynamite already!" (think Madagascar penguins!)

2.  Goodwill: the Only Place to Shop

Jonathon wears shorts and t-shirts year-round. He shops at the Goodwill because he hates the idea of paying full price. He goes on Wednesday because all clothes are 1/2-price. (Needless to say, he has more money in savings than the rest of the family combined!)

3.  I Need an Official Conscience

I nick-named Jonathon "Jiminy Cricket" back when he was just a little tyke because of the way he insisted on keeping me on the straight and narrow. No bending of rules or truth allowed!

4.  The Importance of The Stick.

I learned years ago never to ask, "What is this?" when encountering a new stick on the couch or in the bathtub. Jonathon would simply say, "A stick?!?" in a voice that communicated, "You can identify foreshadowing in literature but you don't recognize a simple stick when you see one?"  Boys and sticks. Don't get it. No longer question it.

5.  There's No Such Thing as Enough Pizza

Jonathon's favorite food is pizza, and he's become quite the gourmet pizza-maker. We discovered this fabulous counter-top pizza oven when he headed off to college. I now have several of them for when I need to feed a crowd!

6.  How to Make a Beatnik Costume

During his senior year, Jonathon's class threw a 50's-themed party. Most of the boys dressed in jeans, white t-shirts, and slicked-back hair. However, Jonathon's full beard presented a non-negotiable obstacle to achieving the James Dean look. Amazingly, we were able to find a black turtleneck and beret at Ross in May, and he was the token Beatnik of the bash!

7.  Quartets are Habit-Forming

Yes, his father's been part of a gospel quartet for over a decade. But still, there's something amazing about seeing my boy get up front with his buddies and hearing them break out in four-part harmony!  (And in case you're worried that I can't count, they added an honorary 5th member when they did Valentine's Day singing telegrams!)

8.  Shorts are All-Weather Clothes

When I was a kid, I hated being forced to wear a jacket or even a sweater. I was never cold, so I always stripped off the item and lost it. Then I got into trouble for losing something I hadn't wanted to wear in the first place! So when it became clear that Jonathon inheritied my thermostat and he said he didn't need pants for daily wear, I didn't buy them for him. (Okay, that's not quite the full truth: I always bought one pair at the Goodwill, just in case...which never actually happened!) Now, he's made quite a name for himself as the kid who wears shorts regardless of the weather. 

9.  Lego Video Games Have No Age Limit

I have to confess that I teared up a little when Jonathon texted me that he'd like the Lego Lord of the Rings video game for Christmas. So glad he's not all grown up quite yet!

10.  Introverts are Powerful People

I've known since Jonathon was a toddler that he's a true-blue introvert. So when I was offered a pre-publication copy of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, I jumped at the chance to order it. As soon as it arrived, I gave it to Jonathon who read it cover-to-cover, and handed it back back with the admonition, "Mom, you need to read this." (He was so right!)

Your Turn:

• What's an important lesson you've learned from a child or teenager or young adult in your life?

• What's an important addition to your life that came into your life because of a child, teen, or YA?

• Anything else on your heart!

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Coming in January!

Sign up to receive Cheri's FREE eBook when it releases!

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The Solution to All-or-Nothing Parenting

During November and December, I'll be studying hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays". This week, I'm giving away a copy of Karen Ehman's new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith.  

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I'd LOVE your input on the cover and title of my upcoming eBook based on May's The PURSE-onality Challenge!  If you take this short survey, the final question invites you to leave your name & e-mail address so I can send you a FREE copy of the eBook when it's done!

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LET. IT. GO.

In Chapter 5 of LET. IT. GO. -- “Domestic Director or Tin-Pot Dictator?” -- Karen describes her last encounter with a parenting program that was popular when she was a new parent. 

Adhering to the rigid rules of “the book,” a friend whipped her own 4-year-old daughter for a minor offense until the child’s thighs were bright red. 

“I’d never felt so sick in all my life,” Karen reflects. “I never read the rest of the book.”

“All” or “Nothing” Parenting

Reading this brought back a memory I’ve not thought about for close to twenty years. 

I was visiting a friend who followed a similar parenting program. In front of me, she slapped her less-than-one-year-old’s hands until the child cried. My friend then said, “That’s what I wanted to hear.”  

The child’s offense? Touching the food on the plate in front of her before she was given permission.

I was so dismayed, I cried the whole way home.  

In retrospect, I see how much I allowed a single incident to confirm my already leniency-leaning parenting style. 

Horrified by what I considered over-correction, I committed to err on the side of what I considered mercy. 

I was determined not to be a heavy-handed parent. I did not want to hear my children cry! 

In fact, I couldn’t stand to hear my children cry. 

• Or express sadness. 

• Or experience disappointment. 

• Or feel frustration.

In my zeal to avoid being an “I-will-weild-all-the-control” parent, I turned into an “I-will-allow-nothing-to-cause-pain” parent.  

Which is really just the flip side of the coin.

And comes with its own set of issues. 

(See "No Rescue Needed: Necessary Pain & Disappointment" and "Pain and Disappointment: What's Necessary & What's Not")

Surrendered Parenting

The problem with the “all” approach to parenting is that it’s parent-centric.  The problem with the “nothing” approach is that it’s child-centric. And any approach centered on the needs of fallible people is guaranteed to be greatly flawed.

I am very late in discovering a surrendered approach to parenting (& marriage & life, to be honest!)

My children are about to turn 20 and 22. 

My list of “I wish I had”s is long. 

• I wish I had “grown up” before having children.

• I wish I had found a Godly mentor when my children were younger.

• I wish I had made my relationship with God my #1 priority, far above my marriage, my children, and my job.

(And these are just for starters!)

But I can’t go back. 

So I’m committed to…

• surrendering my expectations of my children and inviting God to replace them with His hope-filled vision for them.

• surrendering my fickle emotion-based “love” for my children and trusting God to truly love them far more, and far better, than I ever have or possibly can.

• surrendering the easy routes of over-involvement in my children’s lives or denial that there’s anything wrong, and committing myself to praying without ceasing for them both.

• surrendering my natural, knee-jerk reactions and seeking God’s guidance when responding to them, especially when emotions (hers, his, mine, or all of ours!) are escalating.

• surrendering my tendency to judge my personal self-worth based on how well my children are "turning out,” and basing my identity soley on who God says I am in Him.

Find rest, O my soul,

in God alone;

my hope comes from Him.

Psalm 62:5

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Top 10 Priceless Gifts for Each PURSE-onality that Don't Cost a Dime?

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Your Turn:

• What kind of parent do you tend to be:  all or nothing? Has this been a matter of choice or habit?   (If you're not a parent, what kind of relator do you tend to be?)

• What parenting books and/or programs have you found helpful as a parent?  (If you're not a parent, what relationship books and/or programs have you found helpful as a maturing person?)

• What kind of mentor(s) do you have as a parent?  (If you're not a parent, what kind of mentor(s) do you have for life?)

• Anything else on your heart!

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