Desperation in Mothering ( +Give-Away of "Desperate"!)

• I am ruining my kids’ lives.

• It’s going to take years of therapy to un-do the damage.

• They deserve someone better than me.

By the time my kids were pre-schoolers, these thoughts ran through my head pretty much non-stop.

I Tried at Church

I’d started out with such optimism, sitting in the front row with my newborn and toddler when Daniel was appointed pastor of a small congregation. I so wanted our little family to worship together. 

But reality soon settled in...as I settled into the “Mothers’ Room.” (Although it was was more like “The Mother’s Room,” as I was the only woman in the congregation with small children!)  

Week in and week out, I entered my “isolation chamber,” feeling more and more distanced from the adults in church.

I Tried at Home 

I’d vowed not to be perfectionistic like my own mother. I wanted to be a fun, spontaneous, involved mom who focused on her children and really knew them.

But chaos soon settled in, bringing hordes of dust bunnies along. I invited friends over a few times, but each time I noticed the other moms rolling their eyes at my woefully inept housekeeping “skills.”  

When the reciprocal invitations came, I felt ashamed as I compared their beautifully-decorated, white-carpeted homes to my mess. I stopped inviting other mothers into to my home and felt even more alone.

I Tried a Moms’ Group 

I’d joined a local moms group that sponsored play dates at the park. Oh, how I longed for sympathetic mom-to-mom conversations! 

But disillusionment soon settled in. I came to dread the polarizing conversations that dominated what should have been casual chit-chat:  

• plastic vs. cloth?!?

• bottle vs. breast?!?

• crib vs. family bed?!?

• Ferber vs. Snugglie?!? 

The more heated the debates became, the more bewildered I felt. Why were we arguing? What good was this doing any of us? Why couldn’t we just support each other?  When I finally realized that I felt more alienated at the group than home alone, I quit.

Desperate

When Sarah Mae posted on Facebook, months ago, that her publisher was afraid that “Desperate” wasn’t a good title for her book, I responded with immediate vehemence: 

OH, how quickly I would have snatched up a book called Desperate when my children were little!

Sarah Mae calls it “the book that came out of my secret whispers, the ‘I just can’t be a mother today’ whispers to God.

And almost two decades later, I remember those days...and those whispers.

I remember feeling 

• desperate for someone who understood my struggles because she’d been through the same ones herself.

• desperate for someone who could tell me, “You’re all going to be okay!”

• desperate for someone with a few years under her belt who could talk me through the gap between who I was as a mom and who I wanted to become. 

Desperate is more than just a book. Through it, Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson are launching “A no-more-desperate-moms movement.” For more details, you can read more about it, enter the release week give-aways, and watch the promo video!

I’m giving away a copy of Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe this week. Enter via the Rafflecopter below!

Your Turn!

• If you’re a mother, what has made you feel most “desperate”?

• Why do women get into ____ vs. ____ conversations? 

• How can we be more supportive of each other while maintaining our integrity?

• Anything else on your heart!

---

Coming in January!

Click here --> to sign up

to receive Cheri's FREE eBook when it releases!

---

Looking for a simple way to keep scripture close at hand?

Click HERE for full details!

31 laminated cards in an organza draw-string bag...

images and word spacing designed to enhance memory

---

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Meddlesome Me Makes a Miserable Helpmate

---

It's Marriage Monday over at Chrysalis Cafe, and today's topic is being a helpmate in Christian marriage.

---

Just Being “Helpful”

Daniel was in the midst of making blueberry pancakes when I decided to make an apple crisp.

I brought out the apples and my fancy peeler and a lemon and the grater…

...while keeping one eye on what Daniel was doing.

You know, in case he needed “help.”

And boy, howdy, did he ever!  

• He’s adding Bisquick to blueberry muffin mix?  You can't do that!

• He’s rinsing the blueberries with hot water? That will ruin them!

• He’s making them that thick? They’re going to burn for sure!

It took every ounce of willpower I had (and then some!) to bite my tongue and keep my thoughts to myself.

I tried to look nonchalant as I sliced the apples, added lemon zest and juice, got a second bowl for the topping, and measured out brown sugar and oats.

But when Daniel left the kitchen briefly, I could stand it no more.

I slipped a knife under a pancake and lifted it up to check:

Black. 

Just as I suspected!

When Daniel returned, I said triumphantly, “They’re black. I knew I smelled burning.”



Unfazed, Daniel rescued his cajun pancakes, turned down the heat, and poured a couple more on the griddle.

I returned to my apple crisp.

And immediately wondered, Why are there oats in with the apples?

Followed by, What’s all this brown sugar doing in with the apples?

In my hypervigilance over Daniel’s baking, I’d lost focus on my own.  Instead of measuring the oats and brown sugar into the second bowl, I’d dumped them in with the apples. 

And started mixing.

My thin tart apple slices were now stuccoed with gooey clumps of old fashioned oats and globs of brown sugar.


When “Helping” Just Makes  Mess

I lost twenty minutes trying to salvage my mess. 

I ultimately succeeded, but only after dumping the apples in a sieve and rinsing them with hot water many times to get rid of the oats and brown sugar. And then starting all over with the lemon rind and lemon juice.

Oh, how badly I wanted to be mad at somebody other than me!

• All that wasted time!

• All those wasted materials!

• All that wasted energy!

When Help Isn’t Help

It's taken me more than two decades of marriage to figure out this simple truth: 

Help is only help when my husband actually wants it. 

When I feel the urge to “help” rising up, but he’s not indicated any need for or openness to receiving help, 9 times out of 10 it’s Meddlesome Me rearing her connection-cutting head. 


No More Meddling!

In “Do I Think Like a Mother or a Lover?” I wrote:

I am reminding myself that detaching isn't about him: it's about me and my thoughts. 

I can obsess about all the "what ifs", making me smother like a meddling mother. 

Or I can detach, refusing to pour time and energy into worrying about things that are none of my business.

Which frees me to connect, in the present moment, with my husband. 

Not as a "helper." Or a "fixer." Or a "rescuer."

But as his lover.

Speaking of which, I am honored to share the newest eBook by my friend, marriage blogger, writer, and speaker Sheila Wray Gregoire:  31 Days to Great Sex!

I’ve been reading Sheila’s blog for several years, now, and participating in her Wifey Wednesday link-ups.  

Earlier this year, I got brave and started reading Sheila's posts aloud to Daniel.  He could not believe that a woman both understood and could accurately articulate the male perspective so well!

Here’s what Sheila says about 31 Days to Great Sex:

Here's why I'm passionate about sex: 

God created sex to unite us on three levels--physical, spiritual, and emotional. When we feel truly intimate on those three levels, our marriages soar. And that's when we're able to impact our churches and communities for Him.

But if we're not connecting in our marriages, we lose out on a great strength that God gave us in this life. And we threaten our families and our children's future.

The church doesn't like to talk about sex, and so we leave it to our culture. And our culture has turned it into something perverse and disgusting.

I'm not willing to stand for that anymore. I think the church needs to step up and fight back and start redeeming sex.

And that's what this ebook does. It takes couples through exercises about improving their communication, their friendship, their outlook on sex, and yes, even the mechanics of sex, so that their marriage can rock!

I'm really proud of this book, and I'm excited to see how God is going to use it.

Visit Sheila’s Website for the full scoop on 31 Days to Great Sex!

Sheila has donated 2 copies for this week's drawing, and I’m throwing in a celebratory $10 Amazon.com gift certificate! 

Lots of ways to enter, and 3 winners will be announced just after 9:00 PM (PST) Sunday night!


Your Turn:

• How do you discern when to help and when to hold back in your relationships?

• In your closest relationship, what situations bring out your “Meddlesome Me”?

• Anything else on your heart! 

P.S. Thanks to Kathi Lipp, I’ve compiled a list of my marriage blog posts...which may turn into an eBook on how to be less of a control freak in marriage! 

P.S.S.  In case you missed last week's Top 10 Priceless Gifts for each PURSE-onality series:

Part 1: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Melancholy/Analytic

Part 2: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Phlegmatic/Amiable

Part 3: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Choleric/Driver

Part 4:  Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Sanguine/Expressive

a Rafflecopter giveaway

A Story of Hope: Until We All Come Home

During November and December, I'll be diving into a personal Bible study of hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays."

Each week, I'll be giving away a book. This week's title is 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids by Kathi Lipp, with personality assessment and applications contributed by yours truly!

Head to Kathi's blog for an online assessment that will help you figure out your child's PURSE-onality, as well as some great freebie downloads: $15 Family Fun Nights, 50 Ways to Connect With Your Son, and 50 Ways to Connect With Your Daughter. Oh, and if you haven't already "Liked" Kathi on Facebook, I think you'd actually LOVE her!

Enter via the Rafflecopter at the end of the blog post or click to enter here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Daunting Questions

How far would you be willing to go in obedience to God’s call?

How many obstacles could you overcome before doubt took over?

How much suffering could you stand before breaking?

One Woman’s Journey

Kim de Blecourt knows her answers to these questions because she has lived them. 

Obedience took her all the way to Ukraine to adopt a little boy.

Doubt piled ever higher as everything imaginable -- and unimaginable! -- went wrong. Over and over again. For 11 long months.

She was attacked, isolated, and arrested. But ultimately, it was the suffering of her family that brought her to the breaking point.

Far More Than an “Adoption Story”

Yes, this is an adoption story. 

But it is also the story of a woman chose to respond to God’s call on her heart.

Who found that she couldn’t do it on her own.

And beyond her breaking point, discovered the gift of hope in the God whose specialty is picking up broken pieces and making all things new.

A Happy Ending...and a Lifelong Challenge

The cover assures you that this story has a happy ending. 

But Kim doesn’t sugarcoat any of her journey. She is honest about her struggles: the injustices she faced, the agonizing decisions she made, and the long-term price she’s paid. 

She challenges us to join in the “fight...for all orphans and children who need families who will love and care for them until they, too, can all go home.”

Kim's story ultimately challenges me to listen to God’s call on my heart, to respond in obedience, and to trust that any place He leads me, He will carry me through.

We wait in hope for the LORD; 

he is our help and our shield.

Psalm 33:20

Want to Learn More?

• Read Chapter 1 of Until We All Come Home

• Follow Kim on Facebook and Twitter

• Check out Kim’s website www.nourishedhearts.com

• Read endorsements and reviews for Until We All Come Home

Try This Today:

Recall a past “breaking point” beyond which God has led you. Prayerfully consider sharing your experience with someone who can gain hope from your story. 

Your Turn:

• Does your family have an adoption story? If so, share a bit about what you’ve experienced and learned!

• What kinds of obstacles lead you to question whether you’re obeying or straying?

• Anything on your heart!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

TPC "lite": Short cry for HELP! (Found my stack of Thank You notes!)

Two practical blog posts resulted from this one: 


"Putting Unused Thank You Notes to Use – Part 1"


"Putting Unused Thank You Notes to Use – Part 2"




So, this isn't a real blog post.

It's a cry for help.

Here's what I found during my 15 minutes of desk de-cluttering today:

I did not photograph the envelopes with addresses and postage from...er...previous decades. (There is such a thing as too much transparency, right?!?)

I've bought cards. Made cards. Designed cards (the bottom four are even my daughter's photography–where is my maternal pride?!?)

Yet I've not written a real thank you in...who knows. Probably decades.

I know my "baditude" right now: guilt.

But what to do?

Give up and just throw them all away in recognition that I'm not the thank you note "type"?

But I am. 

I love receiving hand-written notes. I believe in the grand ideal of hand-written notes.

But my belief is not translating to my behavior.

So something needs to change.

Trashing the note cards to get rid of guilt would be a quick and easy change.

But it would also be a cop out.

This guilt isn't just self-condemnation. This is conviction.

So, I'm seeking guidance and wisdom from my sisters. 

If you're a note-writer, how do you do it? I know that sounds like a dumb question, but I mean it seriously: Tell us how and when and why and where...give it to us step-by-step, especially your thinking process and intentional choices.

This may be "no duh" obvious to many of you, but trust me: for some of us, it's baffling.

Paul said it so well:  

"I don't really understand myself, 

for I want to do what is right, 

but I don't do it. 

Instead, I do what I hate."

(Romans 7:15)

I hate looking at all my unused note cards. Of themselves, they are not a moral issue. But  for me, the principles of selflessness and gratitude they represent are character issues.

Bless us with your best advice, wisdom, guidance, experience, input, etc. in the Comments!

"Putting Unused Thank You Notes to Use – Part 1"

"Putting Unused Thank You Notes to Use – Part 2"