My Favorite Blogs of the Week – February 2

1)  Kathi Lipp’s “Christian Sister Do Me a Favor: Keep Your Clothes On” has sparked many forwards, ruffled a few feathers, and given me great discussion fodder with my high school students!  “Yes, our men have a responsibility to guard their eyes, keep their thoughts pure, and be (and teach their sons to be) respectful of women no matter what. But we have a responsibility as well; we need to dress in a way that respects the men that are part of our Christian family.”

2)  Sheila Wray Gregoire’s “Submission Doesn’t Mean You Never Have Conflict” is the first in a 3-part series on the difference between “submission” and turning a blind eye to on-going sin. “I don’t believe, however, that peace means absence of conflict. Peace means re-establishing a healthy relationship, and sometimes that must involve conflict. We must confront overt sin...”

3)  Michele-Lyn Ault blogging at Allume tells the story of “The Starving Blogger” (which could just as easily be “the starving mom ... teacher ... wife ... lawyer ... etc.”)  “The story of the starving baker shows us; we must nourish ourselves before we feed others. It is a selfless thing to do, to nourish our own soul, so we are giving out of the overflow of our life.”

4)  Love Holley Gerth’s distinctions in “Don’t Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide”:  “So here’s a life-changing truth: Your conscience and the Holy Spirit are not the same thing.”

5)  In “Flawed and Fearless Friday” Adelle Gabrielson invites us “Let’s play a game. I’ll tell you some really dumb stuff I pulled off this week, we’ll all laugh about it, and then you get to tell me what YOU did that makes you gloriously human and flawed. Ready? Go.”  (Hers involves Fruit Loops and a 5-year-old!)

6)  e-Mom hosted Marriage Monday at Chrysalis Cafe and shares her thoughts on commitment in  “Our Sacred Commitment” (as do the 10 other bloggers who linked up!)  “Both marriage and high wire acts require a very strong safety net below the surface to provide security and protection against missteps, sudden mishaps, and mistakes.”

7)  Heather Kopp’s asks -- and answers -- a vital question in “The Bone, the Pebble, the Anti-Person”:  “The problem is quite simple: How can you not live in a constant state of resentment?”

8)  Seth Godin’s “For the One Person Who Didn’t Get the Joke” was impecibly timed, as I continue prayerfully focusing my ministry niche, both in the classroom and out. “...the ability to say, ‘It's not for you’ is the foundation for creating something brave and important. You can't do your best work if you're always trying to touch the untouchable or entertain those that refuse to be entertained.”

Your Turn:

• What blog posts have you read this week that you especially enjoyed?

• What topics tend to grab your interest? 

• Anything else on your heart!

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Meddlesome Me Makes a Miserable Helpmate

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It's Marriage Monday over at Chrysalis Cafe, and today's topic is being a helpmate in Christian marriage.

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Just Being “Helpful”

Daniel was in the midst of making blueberry pancakes when I decided to make an apple crisp.

I brought out the apples and my fancy peeler and a lemon and the grater…

...while keeping one eye on what Daniel was doing.

You know, in case he needed “help.”

And boy, howdy, did he ever!  

• He’s adding Bisquick to blueberry muffin mix?  You can't do that!

• He’s rinsing the blueberries with hot water? That will ruin them!

• He’s making them that thick? They’re going to burn for sure!

It took every ounce of willpower I had (and then some!) to bite my tongue and keep my thoughts to myself.

I tried to look nonchalant as I sliced the apples, added lemon zest and juice, got a second bowl for the topping, and measured out brown sugar and oats.

But when Daniel left the kitchen briefly, I could stand it no more.

I slipped a knife under a pancake and lifted it up to check:

Black. 

Just as I suspected!

When Daniel returned, I said triumphantly, “They’re black. I knew I smelled burning.”



Unfazed, Daniel rescued his cajun pancakes, turned down the heat, and poured a couple more on the griddle.

I returned to my apple crisp.

And immediately wondered, Why are there oats in with the apples?

Followed by, What’s all this brown sugar doing in with the apples?

In my hypervigilance over Daniel’s baking, I’d lost focus on my own.  Instead of measuring the oats and brown sugar into the second bowl, I’d dumped them in with the apples. 

And started mixing.

My thin tart apple slices were now stuccoed with gooey clumps of old fashioned oats and globs of brown sugar.


When “Helping” Just Makes  Mess

I lost twenty minutes trying to salvage my mess. 

I ultimately succeeded, but only after dumping the apples in a sieve and rinsing them with hot water many times to get rid of the oats and brown sugar. And then starting all over with the lemon rind and lemon juice.

Oh, how badly I wanted to be mad at somebody other than me!

• All that wasted time!

• All those wasted materials!

• All that wasted energy!

When Help Isn’t Help

It's taken me more than two decades of marriage to figure out this simple truth: 

Help is only help when my husband actually wants it. 

When I feel the urge to “help” rising up, but he’s not indicated any need for or openness to receiving help, 9 times out of 10 it’s Meddlesome Me rearing her connection-cutting head. 


No More Meddling!

In “Do I Think Like a Mother or a Lover?” I wrote:

I am reminding myself that detaching isn't about him: it's about me and my thoughts. 

I can obsess about all the "what ifs", making me smother like a meddling mother. 

Or I can detach, refusing to pour time and energy into worrying about things that are none of my business.

Which frees me to connect, in the present moment, with my husband. 

Not as a "helper." Or a "fixer." Or a "rescuer."

But as his lover.

Speaking of which, I am honored to share the newest eBook by my friend, marriage blogger, writer, and speaker Sheila Wray Gregoire:  31 Days to Great Sex!

I’ve been reading Sheila’s blog for several years, now, and participating in her Wifey Wednesday link-ups.  

Earlier this year, I got brave and started reading Sheila's posts aloud to Daniel.  He could not believe that a woman both understood and could accurately articulate the male perspective so well!

Here’s what Sheila says about 31 Days to Great Sex:

Here's why I'm passionate about sex: 

God created sex to unite us on three levels--physical, spiritual, and emotional. When we feel truly intimate on those three levels, our marriages soar. And that's when we're able to impact our churches and communities for Him.

But if we're not connecting in our marriages, we lose out on a great strength that God gave us in this life. And we threaten our families and our children's future.

The church doesn't like to talk about sex, and so we leave it to our culture. And our culture has turned it into something perverse and disgusting.

I'm not willing to stand for that anymore. I think the church needs to step up and fight back and start redeeming sex.

And that's what this ebook does. It takes couples through exercises about improving their communication, their friendship, their outlook on sex, and yes, even the mechanics of sex, so that their marriage can rock!

I'm really proud of this book, and I'm excited to see how God is going to use it.

Visit Sheila’s Website for the full scoop on 31 Days to Great Sex!

Sheila has donated 2 copies for this week's drawing, and I’m throwing in a celebratory $10 Amazon.com gift certificate! 

Lots of ways to enter, and 3 winners will be announced just after 9:00 PM (PST) Sunday night!


Your Turn:

• How do you discern when to help and when to hold back in your relationships?

• In your closest relationship, what situations bring out your “Meddlesome Me”?

• Anything else on your heart! 

P.S. Thanks to Kathi Lipp, I’ve compiled a list of my marriage blog posts...which may turn into an eBook on how to be less of a control freak in marriage! 

P.S.S.  In case you missed last week's Top 10 Priceless Gifts for each PURSE-onality series:

Part 1: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Melancholy/Analytic

Part 2: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Phlegmatic/Amiable

Part 3: Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Choleric/Driver

Part 4:  Top 10 Priceless Gifts that Don't Cost a Dime -- for a Sanguine/Expressive

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How to Fix a Non-Gift-Giving Husband

During November and December, I'll be studying hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays". This week, I'm giving away a copy of Karen Ehman's new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith.  

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I'd LOVE your input on the cover and title of my upcoming eBook based on May's The PURSE-onality Challenge!  If you take this short survey, the final question invites you to leave your name & e-mail address so I can send you a FREE copy of the eBook when it's done!

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“She gives you a list, and you still can’t get it right?  You idiot!” Daniel shouted at the TV.

We were watching a daytime talk show segment called something like “Men Who Can’t Figure Out How to Give Gifts to Their Wives.” 

I was thrilled by his reaction! 

Finally, I thought, I am going to turn my husband into a gift-giver!

A Non-Gift-Giver

For the first decade of our marriage, I’d been routinely disappointed by Daniel’s gift-giving...or, to be more accurate, complete lack thereof. 

I always spent months looking for just the right gifts for him for Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and his birthday.

He always asked, “Where did you find this?” in amazement as he opened each truly perfect-for-Daniel present.

In contrast, if he ever gave me a gift (which was rare) it was usually an impersonal “cop-out”: my term for a gift certificate. 

I always translated his rationale (“The real gift is giving you full freedom of choice!”) as I really don’t care enough about you to find something unique and meaningful.

I tried dropping hints.

No use.

Once, I even bought a gift myself. 

Our kids were little, and another certain-to-be-un-celebrated Mother’s Day was approaching. I picked up a pair of “I Love My Mommy!” earrings at a craft fair. 

At home, I gave them to Daniel to have the kids give me. He put them away in a safe hiding place...and they’ve not been seen since, even three moves later!

Making the List

Emboldened by Daniel’s reaction to “Men Who Can’t Figure Out How to Give Gifts to Their Wives,” I asked him, “So if I gave you a list would that help?”

To which he replied (much to my joy!) “Of course!  That would be fantastic!”

I spent hours going through catalogs. Tearing out pages. Using Post-It flags. I settled on ten items, all different, all in the same reasonable price-range. 

• One sweater (since he loves sweaters)

• One necklace (in subdued colors he likes)

• One book (on a topic that interests him)

• One kitchen item (that he would use)

• Etc.

I told him repeatedly that any one item on the list would be fine. 

Then, I couldn’t wait for Christmas!

Finally we’d fixed the problem. 

Finally I would have a gift with a little tag that said, “To: Cheri From: Daniel”

Once a Non-Gift-Giver…

I’m a Choleric.  Daniel’s a Phlegmatic.

You don’t really need me to write the rest of the story, do you?

Christmas came and went.

No gift.

Finally I asked, “What happened with the list I gave you?”

He responded, “Well nothing on it was the kind of gift I would get for you.”

(For the record, I did request and receive heavenly strength to avoid yelling, “There’s no such thing as ‘the kind of gift you would get me’ because you never ever get me gifts!”)

I was frustrated.

I was mad.

I was sad.

Finally, I accepted reality:

• He was never going to change.

• His lack of gift-giving wasn’t my problem.

• My continued expectations that he would become my kind of gift-giver was my problem.

Psalm 39:7 took on all new meaning, as I realized I had -- once again! -- been demanding from Daniel the kind of fulfillment only God can give:

But now, Lord, what do I look for?

My hope is in you.

LET. IT. GO.

Reading through the “Managing Your Man”chapter in LET. IT. GO.,  I totally relate to Karen’s description of her passive-aggressive marriage:

I wanted him to stop being so indecisive, to step up, make a move, or tell me what he really thought for once.

Todd wanted me to stop being so bossy, to back off, quit pestering him, and leave him alone, instead of backing him into a corner and making him feel stupid.

He was passive. It made me get aggressive.

I guess you could say we had a passive-aggressive marriage?...

At the core of my issue was my desire to control Todd, including his actions and reactions, his decisions and even his thoughts.

At the crux of his hang-up was a lack of confidence in making decisions. And an underlying fear that when he did make one, it would either be the wrong one or not the one I, his decisive wife, would have chosen.

This sounds so very familiar!

A Generous Gift-Giver

On the job, Daniel makes dozens of decisions an hour. 

But my disrespect for his Phlegmatic nature during the early years of our marriage laid down a foundation of fear. 

He would rather do nothing than risk disappointing me. 

Yes, I still feel a twinge of sadness when Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas come and go gift-free. I have to actively resist the urge to compare “my husband” to “her husband” as the photos go live on Facebook and Twitter.

But then I remember that 

• every morning, I don’t fall down the stairs as I trudge down them at 5:30 AM because Daniel’s gone ahead of me and turned on the kitchen light.

• every 30,000 miles, Daniel takes time out of his life to drive my car to the Nissan dealership, sit and wait while it’s being serviced, and then bring it home so I’ll be safe.

• every time Daniel walks in the front door, and I call out, “Hello Husband!” he responds, “Hello Beautiful!”

So, four days out of the year, he doesn’t fit the profile of a Hallmark Man. 

Oh. Well.

365 days a year he fits the profile of my gift-of-self-giving husband!

Do you have my FREE eBook:  

Top 10 Priceless Gifts for Each PURSE-onality that Don't Cost a Dime?
(If not, click the link above; it's free when you sign up for my newsletter!)

Your Turn:

• What kinds of gifts do you enjoy receiving? giving?  

• How have your gift preferences resulted in conflict with someone you're close to because theirs are different?

• What PURSE-onality gifts (strengths) are you learning to better appreciate in someone close to you?

• Anything else on your heart!

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