Grace for the Good Girl: So That or Just Because?

August 1-15, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here.

"Striving characterizes the law, whereas rest characterizes grace.

The law places responsibility on me to do, but grace is given by the initiative of God and invites me to be....

Under the law, I struggle in vain attempts to control my behavior. Under grace, my life is an easy expression of the Spirit.

The law says obey. Grace says believe and obedience will follow....

Jesus came to fulfill he law so we don't have to look at it anymore. I no more listen to what the law is saying. I listen to what Jesus is saying."

Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

Reading these words from Chapter 6 “The Rule Follower” got me reflecting on some ideas from Day 2: Chosen and Day 3: Complete of May's PURSE-onality Challenge.

Nothing to Prove

You are wanted. 

You belong.

You are chosen.

Now you choose: 

Do you believe Him when He says you are chosen?

If so...

• ...you can quit trying so hard!
• ...you can quit being so hard on yourself!
• ...you can quit being so hard on others!

You have nothing to prove.

So that vs. Because

Some of you resonated with the assurance “you can quit trying so hard!”

I'm discovering that "trying" has two entirely different motivations:

Trying so that…

or

Trying because…

When I’m trying so that I will be loved or chosen or complete, I find myself trapped in escapes and addictions, vacillating wildly between restriction and indulgence.

But when I’m trying because I am loved, chosen, and complete, I am transformed into who God truly created me to be.

Just Because

Back in May, I mused on Facebook: Why do I keep exhausting myself trying to do what God’s already done?

More recently, I’ve been wondering:  What if I lived every moment of each day just because?

• What if I teach not so that my students will perform well but because I am full-to-overflowing with God’s love?

• What if I speak not so that audiences will perceive me as competent but because I can’t contain my gratitude for what Christ has done?

• What if I parent not so that my children will launch well but because I’m overwhelmed by the mercy God has shown me?

• What if I wife not so that Daniel will be happy but because I am full of all joy and peace through the power of the Holy Spirit? 

Not so that.

Nothing I do can alter–or add to–what Christ did on the cross.  

When He said, “It is finished,” He meant it really is finished!

Just because.

Your Turn!

• Based on Emily's contrasting of the law vs. grace, how are you living?

• Do you spend your time trying so that or trying because?

• Anything else on your heart!

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Grace for the Good Girl: The Danger of a Good Reputation

August 1-14, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here.

(I've just gotten home from a week of travel; I'll catch up with comments and e-mails over the next few days!)

“If she hides behind her good reputation, there is little room for correction, and the good girl is in danger of being her own compass rather than having a softened heart to the leading of God as he speaks through his Word, friends, or family members.

There could be a fear of intimacy, because people who get too close might see things she wishes weren’t there. Hiding behind that good-looking mask, her arms are folded too tightly to give and receive grace…”

Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

Reputation Isn't an Issue

I almost skipped Chapter 3, which is about hiding behind a good reputation. In fact, I skimmed it quickly–just to confirm that nothing in it really applied to me!–and almost made it through to the end.

Until I hit the contrasting definitions of character and reputation:

“Character refers to who you are. Reputation refers to who people think you are. I generally care more about who people think I am than who I really am….”

Oh boy:  so. do. I.

Reputation Is an Issue

So I went back and re-read the entire chapter with a (somewhat) open heart and mind.

And I did I ever feel convicted as I read the words “little room for correction…”

If you’ve seen my “The PERFECT(ionism) Crime” monologue, you know that my driving life goal has been to avoid criticism. 

Any and all criticism: real or imagined, deserved or unjust, gentle or cruel. 

Reputation is a HUGE Issue

My three rules of criticism have been:

1)  If you love me, you will not criticize me in any way, shape or form. 

2)  If you criticize me, you do not love me. 

3)  Criticism includes (but is not limited to):

• asking why I’ve done what I’d done
• questioning why I’ve done things the way I’ve done them
• re-doing something I’ve already done
• moving something I’ve set down
• suggesting changes / improvements
• looking confused
• looking away
• shaking head
• rolling eyes
• contradicting
• interrupting
• tsk-tsking
• scowling
• frowning
• gasping
• sighing
• breathing (just kidding! sorta…)

By my own rules, I’ve lived under relentless criticism. I’ve simultaneously feared it above all else, exhausted myself trying to escape it, and guaranteed its 24/7 presence.

Reputation Protection or Character Growth?

Reading through Proverbs last month, I had some serious wake-up calls!  Chapter 15, alone, was full of twitch moments such as:

• "He who hates correction will die." (Pr. 15:10b)

• "A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise." (Pr. 15:12)

• "He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." (Pr. 15:32)

Because I’ve “cared more about who people think I am than who I really am,” I’ve swung wildly between lashing out in defensiveness and crumbling from criticism.

I’ve “been my own compass." 

But I long to have "a softened heart to the leading of God as he speaks through his Word, friends, and family members.” 

As my definition of criticism is shrinking, my willingness to hear and apply wise, loving, Godly correction is growing.

How fitting that “my” 2012 verse is Ezekiel 36:26

And I will give you a new heart, 

and I will put a new spirit in you. 

I will take out your stony, stubborn heart 

and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Your Turn!

• How do you respond to "correction"?

• What might need to be pared away from your definition of "criticism"?

• In what ways do you care more about who people think you are than who you really are?

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Grace for the Good Girl: Worry, Fear, & Anxiety

August 1-14, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here.


Bloggers: I'll be hosting a link-up on Friday on "the try-hard life" and/or "good girl syndrome." If you've got something to share, the link-up will be live at 12:30 AM Pacific. Would love to have you join the conversation!

“Worry is a thief, Fear is a liar, and Anxiety is their trembling, furrow-browed baby. I have lived with this dysfunctional family for the better part of my life. Sometimes I live with them still. 

Worry robs me of the peace I know is available. 

Fear lies and says there is no peace at all. 

And their immature, screaming baby Anxiety keeps me up at night with her unrelenting cries of what if? and what now? and what will they think?”  

Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

What if?

My grandmother lived through the depression. She always traveled with several hard-boiled eggs in her purse. Half-way through any flight, regardless of her hunger level, she’d pull them out and smell up the plane. 

Oh, I was trained to worry at a tender age!  

What if…

• ...there’s no more food?
• ...she stops being my BFF?
• ...I miss a point on this test?

What now?

(Setting:  The eating disorder unit, just before our first family group counseling session.)

My counselors: “People change, Cheri! Just you wait and see!”

Me:  “You don’t know my mother.”

My counselors:  “Just you wait and see!” 

Me:  Maybe they know what they’re talking about!

(After the meeting)

My counselors:  “Cheri, sometimes you just have to accept…”

My worst fear had come true: there was no hope for me. My only “hope” was to try harder.

What now…

• ...that I have two babies and a difficult marriage?  Try harder
• ...that we need my income but I dread teaching every day?  Try harder
• ...that I’ve fractured T7 and can’t do what everyone needs me do?  Try harder

What will they think?

The summer I was 9, a boy at day camp asked me, “So, do you read the dictionary for fun?”

“Of course!” I answered honestly, thrilled to have found a kindred spirit. Only he didn’t talk to me the rest of the summer. 

I can still feel the flush of shame as it dawned on me, days later as he and the “in” girls snickered at me from a distance yet again, that he hadn’t asked a question. 

He’d delivered an insult. One I’d been too dense to recognize.

I grew into a mashup of Sanguine PURSE-onality with hypervigilant anxiety.

What will they think…

• ...if I talk too fast? too much? too loud?
• ...when they see the cat and dog fur on the couch?
• ...about my out-of-season mis-matched Ross clothes? 

Fear drives.

But Love leads.

“God can do anything, you know – 

far more than you could ever 

imagine or guess or request 

in your wildest dreams! 

He does it not by pushing us around 

but by working within us, 

his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”

(Eph. 3:20 Message)

Your Turn!

• How do you know the dysfunctional family of Worry, Fear, and Anxiety?

• Which cry keeps you up at night:  What if?  What now?  What will they think?

• What does “Fear drives. But Love leads” mean to you?

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Grace for the Good Girl: Envy vs. Eagerness

August 1-14, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here.

“I felt as if an invisible good girl was following me around wherever I went, showing up without permission to shame and blame and scold….She embodied the good girl version of my current life stage and shamed me accordingly: good student, good leader, good wife, and good mom.

She represented the girl I wanted to be but could never live up to. I constantly worried that my imperfect status would be discovered. I often experienced guilt but didn’t know why. I felt the heavy weight of impossible expectations and had the insatiable desire to explain every mistake. My battle with shame was constant and hovering.”

Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life

I got to hear Emily Freeman present at the She Speaks Conference a couple weeks ago. The information she shared was excellent; her off-hand comments and ad-lib comedy were even better! 

Later, I introduced myself in an over-eager babble of incoherence. The only half-intelligent thing I said was, “I’m so glad for you and your children that you’ve figured this out now rather than waiting ‘til you’re my age.”

I jokingly told Emily that I envied her – just a bit! – for taking off her good girl “masks” so young. 

just a bit

Who do I think I’m kidding?

Ten years ago, when I first wrote and shared my testimony, Florence Littauer was surprised by my “good girl” approach. She said she’d never heard anyone give a “good girl” testimony and encouraged me to develop it into my keynote talk.

That was all the encouragement I needed, of course, to freeze in fear and do what came so naturally: 

nothing.

What I didn’t tell Emily is that I envied her – more than just a bit! – for writing the book I was supposed to write.

“the heavy weight of impossible expectations”

Okay, the book I wish I had written but too many complicating factors and poor choices and just plain “life” got in the way.

“the insatiable desire to explain every mistake”

All right, the book that I would have written...if only...

“My battle with shame was constant and hovering”

Yeah, I envied Emily. 

Then I recognized my invisible good girl at work and told her to go take a hike, packing all her “supposed to”s and “wish I had”s and “if only”s with her.

Far greater than my fleeting envy is my eagerness to read Grace for the Good Girl. 

‘cause my name is Cheri, and I am a “Good Girl”... 

...who needs all the grace she can get!

Your turn!

• What's been your experience of being a "good girl"?

• In what ways have you lived "the try-hard life"?

• What would "letting go" mean for you?

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