Instead of How-To...

(August 20-31 I'll be blogging my way through I Blame Eve: Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and giving away a copy each week!  You can enter the drawing via the Rafflecopter at the end of each blog post or right here.)

“We have so little ability to imagine the consequences of our actions. We act without thinking about where an action will take us. We step out of God’s plan into a world of our own making with our own sad choices and shoddy reasoning. We experience death in a thousand ways each day as we flounder around looking for that place where everything comes together exactly as we think it should. We are still looking for Eden.”

I Blame Eve:Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes by Susanna Foth Aughtmon

Tell Me the How-To

For decades, I’ve been begging God for the instruction manual for my life. I’ve longed to open up Cheri for Dummies and start with “Step 1…” 

Just tell me the how-to, and I’ll gladly go do!

During 2012, God’s been fulfilling His Ezekiel 36:26 promise to me:  

And I will give you a new heart, 

and I will put a new spirit in you. 

I will take out your stony, stubborn heart 

and give you a tender, responsive heart.

But not through how-to’s.

Instead, it’s been via dozens of not to’s.

Not a bunch of burdensome “thou shalt nots.”

Just ordinary everyday not to’s.

The Quiet Power of Not To

I arrive home from the grocery store, bursting to tell Daniel all about the rude cashier and realize, “I could choose not to.”

My daughter’s text message sparks a frustrated, even angry, reply. But before I hit send, I think, “I could choose not to.”

A disagreement with a colleague evokes a reaction of sarcasm and plan for gossip, but then I recognize, “I could choose not to.”

Bottom line?

I’m learning to bite my tongue.

Talk a lot less.

Listen more.

Mess-Maker: Me!

I’m starting to recognize how often I have been the “fool” who “finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing [her] own opinions” that Proverbs 18:2 warns about!

I’ve not imagined the consequences of venting my feelings (after all, that’s who I am and what I do!)

I’ve stepped out of God’s plan by justifying my right to critique (while lamenting that I’m surrounded by negative people!)

Oh, the irony of seeking Eden while floundering in the messes of my own making!

I’m starting to experience the wisdom of “using words with restraint” and being an “even-tempered” woman of understanding (Proverbs 17:27).

Try Not To ---> Want Not To

Has it been easy to “not to”?  

Not at first.

But to borrow from Hamlet, refraining even once “lends a kind of easiness to the next abstinence,” and then the next is even easier.

After the first few battles with habit, learning not to hasn’t been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. 

In fact, the positive results of not complaining, not criticizing, not gossipping, and not lashing out with sarcasm started appearing so quickly, I was pretty shocked at how self-reinforcing it is not to!

When an old "batidude" starts to form, I find myself wanting not to!

So if you’re “looking for that place where everything comes together exactly as [you] think it should,” stop striving for the how-to.

Ask God to reveal, instead, a not to (or two)!

Your Turn:

• What are your habitual ways of "acting without thinking"?

• In what way is your current situation a "world of your own making"?

• How do you "flounder around looking for that place where everything comes together exactly as we think it should"?

• Anything else on your heart!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Grace for the Good Girl: The Danger of a Good Reputation

August 1-14, I'll be blogging as I read through Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Each week, I'll give away a free copy of her book! Enter via the Rafflecopter here.

(I've just gotten home from a week of travel; I'll catch up with comments and e-mails over the next few days!)

“If she hides behind her good reputation, there is little room for correction, and the good girl is in danger of being her own compass rather than having a softened heart to the leading of God as he speaks through his Word, friends, or family members.

There could be a fear of intimacy, because people who get too close might see things she wishes weren’t there. Hiding behind that good-looking mask, her arms are folded too tightly to give and receive grace…”

Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

Reputation Isn't an Issue

I almost skipped Chapter 3, which is about hiding behind a good reputation. In fact, I skimmed it quickly–just to confirm that nothing in it really applied to me!–and almost made it through to the end.

Until I hit the contrasting definitions of character and reputation:

“Character refers to who you are. Reputation refers to who people think you are. I generally care more about who people think I am than who I really am….”

Oh boy:  so. do. I.

Reputation Is an Issue

So I went back and re-read the entire chapter with a (somewhat) open heart and mind.

And I did I ever feel convicted as I read the words “little room for correction…”

If you’ve seen my “The PERFECT(ionism) Crime” monologue, you know that my driving life goal has been to avoid criticism. 

Any and all criticism: real or imagined, deserved or unjust, gentle or cruel. 

Reputation is a HUGE Issue

My three rules of criticism have been:

1)  If you love me, you will not criticize me in any way, shape or form. 

2)  If you criticize me, you do not love me. 

3)  Criticism includes (but is not limited to):

• asking why I’ve done what I’d done
• questioning why I’ve done things the way I’ve done them
• re-doing something I’ve already done
• moving something I’ve set down
• suggesting changes / improvements
• looking confused
• looking away
• shaking head
• rolling eyes
• contradicting
• interrupting
• tsk-tsking
• scowling
• frowning
• gasping
• sighing
• breathing (just kidding! sorta…)

By my own rules, I’ve lived under relentless criticism. I’ve simultaneously feared it above all else, exhausted myself trying to escape it, and guaranteed its 24/7 presence.

Reputation Protection or Character Growth?

Reading through Proverbs last month, I had some serious wake-up calls!  Chapter 15, alone, was full of twitch moments such as:

• "He who hates correction will die." (Pr. 15:10b)

• "A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise." (Pr. 15:12)

• "He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." (Pr. 15:32)

Because I’ve “cared more about who people think I am than who I really am,” I’ve swung wildly between lashing out in defensiveness and crumbling from criticism.

I’ve “been my own compass." 

But I long to have "a softened heart to the leading of God as he speaks through his Word, friends, and family members.” 

As my definition of criticism is shrinking, my willingness to hear and apply wise, loving, Godly correction is growing.

How fitting that “my” 2012 verse is Ezekiel 36:26

And I will give you a new heart, 

and I will put a new spirit in you. 

I will take out your stony, stubborn heart 

and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Your Turn!

• How do you respond to "correction"?

• What might need to be pared away from your definition of "criticism"?

• In what ways do you care more about who people think you are than who you really are?

a Rafflecopter giveaway