I Did It. Again. (Sigh.)

“It happened again.”

Oh, how I’d love to hide behind a passive verb as if I’m a victim to whom and around whom things simply “happen”!

“Oops, I did it again.”

Oh, how I’d love to be flippant and funny, and simply write this off as another example of Cheri’s quirky charm.

“I did it. Again.”

I feel guilt and shame welling up as I think about yesterday’s incident.

But thanks to a paradigm-shifting devotional I read a couple of weeks ago -- "When You're Wrong, Even Though You're Right" -- instead of stewing in self-loathing, I pray.

Lord, what do you want me to learn from my choices?  About what do You want to convict me?

8 Months Ago 

During Warm-Up Week to The PURSE-onality Challenge, I shared the mortifying story of how I’d snapped at our youth pastor in front of the entire student body during chapel one day.

I’d chosen complaining when I should have gone for problem-solving.

I closed that blog post with this graphic analogy:  

“Complaining made me feel better in the moment, but it was really like dabbing concealer on an angry infected zit.”

And this oh-so-relevant scripture:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, 

so that you may become blameless and pure, 

children of God without fault 

in a crooked and depraved generation, 

in which you shine like stars in the universe 

as you hold out the word of life..."  

Philippians 2:14-16a

4 Months Ago

I had the unsettling discovery that I’m not “just” a recovering perfectionist; I’m a died-in-the-wool (what does that actually mean?!?) people-pleaser. 

My rewards for years of doing (or not doing), saying (or not saying), reacting (or not reacting) “for the good of others” are resentment and bitterness.

2 Months Ago 

I did a post-mortum on “the thumb drive incident” in which I was forced to recognize what a knee-jerk reaction people-pleasing really is for me. 

I people-please without thinking. 

At all.

It’s my default setting.

Yesterday

I did it. Again.

I'd swallowed my truth until I could contain no more, and then I started spewing resentment and bitterness on unsuspecting victims.

And as I pray Lord, what do you want me to learn from my choices?  About what do You want to convict me?

I hear Him saying:

Your old tools no longer work. They’ve never worked. You’re just now seeing how completely broken they’ve always been. 

You can’t stuff your feelings, your reality, your truth any more. You realize that pretending “I’m fine!” is nothing but glorified lying and cheating and stealing.

Your old tools have finally and fully failed you. So you are experiencing how completely broken you are without Me. 

Quit reaching for your old tools.

I will teach you a better way.

Reach for Me.

Your Turn:

• What's an "I did it. Again." that you're struggling with?

• What old tool(s) are you ready to recognize as broken?

• How do you quit reaching for old tools and reach for God instead? 

• Anything else on your heart!

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Instead of How-To...

(August 20-31 I'll be blogging my way through I Blame Eve: Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and giving away a copy each week!  You can enter the drawing via the Rafflecopter at the end of each blog post or right here.)

“We have so little ability to imagine the consequences of our actions. We act without thinking about where an action will take us. We step out of God’s plan into a world of our own making with our own sad choices and shoddy reasoning. We experience death in a thousand ways each day as we flounder around looking for that place where everything comes together exactly as we think it should. We are still looking for Eden.”

I Blame Eve:Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes by Susanna Foth Aughtmon

Tell Me the How-To

For decades, I’ve been begging God for the instruction manual for my life. I’ve longed to open up Cheri for Dummies and start with “Step 1…” 

Just tell me the how-to, and I’ll gladly go do!

During 2012, God’s been fulfilling His Ezekiel 36:26 promise to me:  

And I will give you a new heart, 

and I will put a new spirit in you. 

I will take out your stony, stubborn heart 

and give you a tender, responsive heart.

But not through how-to’s.

Instead, it’s been via dozens of not to’s.

Not a bunch of burdensome “thou shalt nots.”

Just ordinary everyday not to’s.

The Quiet Power of Not To

I arrive home from the grocery store, bursting to tell Daniel all about the rude cashier and realize, “I could choose not to.”

My daughter’s text message sparks a frustrated, even angry, reply. But before I hit send, I think, “I could choose not to.”

A disagreement with a colleague evokes a reaction of sarcasm and plan for gossip, but then I recognize, “I could choose not to.”

Bottom line?

I’m learning to bite my tongue.

Talk a lot less.

Listen more.

Mess-Maker: Me!

I’m starting to recognize how often I have been the “fool” who “finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing [her] own opinions” that Proverbs 18:2 warns about!

I’ve not imagined the consequences of venting my feelings (after all, that’s who I am and what I do!)

I’ve stepped out of God’s plan by justifying my right to critique (while lamenting that I’m surrounded by negative people!)

Oh, the irony of seeking Eden while floundering in the messes of my own making!

I’m starting to experience the wisdom of “using words with restraint” and being an “even-tempered” woman of understanding (Proverbs 17:27).

Try Not To ---> Want Not To

Has it been easy to “not to”?  

Not at first.

But to borrow from Hamlet, refraining even once “lends a kind of easiness to the next abstinence,” and then the next is even easier.

After the first few battles with habit, learning not to hasn’t been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. 

In fact, the positive results of not complaining, not criticizing, not gossipping, and not lashing out with sarcasm started appearing so quickly, I was pretty shocked at how self-reinforcing it is not to!

When an old "batidude" starts to form, I find myself wanting not to!

So if you’re “looking for that place where everything comes together exactly as [you] think it should,” stop striving for the how-to.

Ask God to reveal, instead, a not to (or two)!

Your Turn:

• What are your habitual ways of "acting without thinking"?

• In what way is your current situation a "world of your own making"?

• How do you "flounder around looking for that place where everything comes together exactly as we think it should"?

• Anything else on your heart!

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Warm-Up Day 4: Complaining vs. Problem-Solving

In fewer than 3 minutes (not that I was timing myself!) I managed to

• snap at my pastor
• stomp out of chapel (with 200+ students watching)
• kvetch to several fellow teachers
• rebuff my husband's offer of help
• pitch a fit in my vice principal's office

And only then did I realize: I was wrong.


I thought I'd heard Pastor Jeff say that half of my AP students were going to miss class that very morning. 


What he was trying tell me was that several would miss class the next day, which I already knew and was prepared for.


I suddenly owed a host of apologies, private and public. 


So much damage in so little time!


What Went Wrong?

For days after this happened, I wondered What went wrong with my hearing? Why did I hear Pastor Jeff say one thing when he actually said another? 


And I finally realized a very unflattering truth: I'd heard what I wanted to hear. I'd wanted to hear that my AP students were about to miss class again. 


I'd been ready and waiting to pick a fight.


Throughout the school year, I'd complained bitterly–to students, to staff, to my husband, I wasn't picky!–about how much class time my AP students were missing. 


What I'd not done was request a meeting with my administrators for a session of problem-solving.


So what went wrong? I went wrong. 


I went for complaining when I should have gone for problem-solving.


Complaining is...

making energetic statements focused on the problem at hand rather than the resolution sought

• to the wrong person
• at the wrong place
• at the wrong time
• in the wrong manner

Performing an autopsy on my embarrassing melt-down, did I choose the 

• wrong person? Check. Pastor Jeff doesn't make decisions about academics or student trips.

• wrong place? Double-check. Showing such flagrant disrespect to a fellow staff member in front of all the students goes down as one of my lowest moments in two decades of teaching.

• wrong time? Oh yeah. The purpose of our morning chapel is to draw us together in praise to and worship of God.

• wrong manner? Ya think? A grown adult throwing a full-out temper tantrum is embarrassing to all.

Problem-Solving is...

talking directly and only to the person who can solve the problem

• at the right place
• at the right time
• in the right manner

Only in analyzing this highly public episode did I realize how frustrated I was about my AP students missing so much class. 


Instead of setting an appointment to talk with my administrators, I'd "vented" about it all year, thinking I was "getting it out of my system." 


NOT! 


(We'll talk about the myth of "cathartic complaining" later this week!)


Not only had my complaining been completely inappropriate, but it disguised itself as an actual solution: 

• Just rant to your students a bit; you'll feel much better!  (Plus, they laugh when you're sarcastic!)

• Tell Daniel about how far behind you are with your curriculum; that'll fix it!

• Commiserate with the AP History teacher; you both know how right you are!

Complaining made me feel better in the moment, but it was really like dabbing concealer on an angry infected zit. 


(I'll leave the rest of that analogy up to your imagination!)




What's the Right Way?

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..."  

Philippians 2:14-16a

Q4U:  

Leave a comment to be entered into this week's drawing for a copy of Dangerous Surrender: What Happens When You Say "Yes" to God by Kay Warren!

• What does Philippians 2:14-16a say to you today?

• What problem-solving skill do you want to focus on during The PURSE-onality Challenge?

The PURSE-onality Challenge: 31 days of replacing "baditude" with God's Word and Gratitude! 

Click here for more details!

Warm-Up Week, Day 1: What's Wrong With It?

Warm-Up Week, Day 2: The Heart and Mouth Connection

Warm-Up Week, Day 3:  Tunnel of Grudge or a New Train of Thought?