The PURSE-onality Challenge: forgiveness

During November and December, I'll be studying hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays". This week, I'm giving away a copy of Karen Ehman's new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith.

I'd LOVE your input on the cover and title of my upcoming eBook based on May's The PURSE-onality Challenge ! If you take this short survey, the final question invites you to leave your name and e-mail address so I can send you a FREE copy when it's done!

(Wednesday's Part 1: 4 Classic Control-Freak Faux-Pas 1 & 2)

(Thursday's Part 2: 4 Classic Control-Freak Faux-Pas 3 & 4)

Ironically, our women’s group just started Lysa TerKeurst’s Unglued study.

We’re focusing on how we respond to “raw emotions.”

I love to say I’m just “keeping it real...ha, ha!”

Doing “field research,” right?

If only I could get away with it so easily!

Faux-Pas #5: Failure to Seek Forgiveness

I’ve brought blank note cards with me to Las Vegas. I will be prayerfully writing apology notes to leave on my colleagues’ desks next week.

(Along with cute cupcake note pads I found at Staples. A little“fun” goes a LONG way in helping a Sanguine/Choleric apologize!)

The day after the meeting, I talked with one colleague face-to-face.

I apologized for specific behaviors. I acknowledged how I suspected my behaviors made her feel.

And I asked forgiveness, which she generously offered amidst, “Oh, don’t worry about it! I totally understand!”

I will seek out my other colleague f-2-f as well.

Am I beating myself up and taking on the blame as if the whole thing is my fault?

No.

I am taking responsibility for my part in the communication break-down.

And doing what I can to make amends.

If I don’t, I know what will happen:

First, I will feel guilty.

Then, once the appropriate window of time for apology shuts, I will feel ashamed. And I can’t live with shame.

So I will demonize this colleague. Make up a convincing story about why I chose not to apologize. Why I really didn’t need to apologize. Why I actually should not apologize.

Ever.

This will change who she can be around me.

And it will change me in ways I don’t want to be changed.

LET. IT. GO.

After humorously exploring the many creative ways in which women respond to having things not go our way, Karen says this:

Our only solution is to cultivate the gentle art of acceptance, of learning not to ask “Why me?” but rather “What am I supposed to learn at this junction of life that will make me a better person and draw me closer to God?”

Rather than pouting and asking God to get us out of the circumstances, we should be pondering, What does God want me to learn about him that I might never discover if he were to suddenly pluck me out of this situation? What qualities is he attempting to grow in me? Patience? Trust? Contentment? Acceptance?

When we adopt this line of thinking, we can experience the thrilling feeling of being “out of control” and loving it.

I am so not joking.

Personally, I’m not ready to call it a “thrilling feeling.” I’m still at the woozy stage. But after four decades of gut-wrenching control issues, I’m ready to try something different.

But I Don’t Want To!

Mind you, I don’t want to apologize to my other colleague.

I apologized to the easy one and would love to leave it at that. 50% is better than 0%, right? We can call that progress, right?

Not according to the checks in my spirit during my morning quiet times ever since The Meeting. The conviction growing in my heart regarding what I must do, regardless of result.

My least favorite thing on earth: doing what I do not want to do when failure is almost certain.

But obedience is my job. Results are God’s.

So this week, Psalm 119:147 has taken on all-new meaning:

I rise before dawn and cry for help;

I have put my hope in your word.

Not my feelings.

Not my knee-jerk reaction.

Not my rationalizations that this really has all blown over, why make it a bigger deal than it needs to be?

(See how fast my self-centered brain generates logical, easy-to-agree-with options?)

Obedience to say:

I’m sorry.

I am afraid my words and actions caused you pain.

Will you forgive me?

I’ve already made the first four Control-Freak Faux-Pas.

I choose not to make the 5^th.

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My joy was gone.

For years, I wondered how it had vanished. I tried to figure out how to get it back.

As a Sanguine-Choleric, I can combine “fun” and “intense” to create “excitement.”

But real joy can’t be manufactured.

Real joy is a miracle, like the crocus in spring: a wondrous surprise, bursting from the earth, in sudden full bloom.

For decades, I failed to see that all my complaining+ was like pouring Roundup over my flower bed. And then wondering why no flower bloomed.

Now, I’m finding that forgiveness–loads of forgiveness!–creates the fertile soil from which joy grows.

Forgiveness 101

I asked my friends on Facebook, "What do you DO when you know you need to forgive but 'can't'?" Here's some of their shared wisdom:

Keep saying it until it sticks and I mean it. Say it out loud!

Jewish tradition asks us always to try to rise above anger and to help dissolve it by believing in the beauty of the world that God has created and the people in it as an act of faith, even when it takes all the power of our imagination.

Get on my knees and pray that the object of my resentment will receive all the blessings he or she needs and then some. For at least a week.

I ask myself "will this matter when I die?" The answer is usually no. It's easier for me to let it go after realizing that.

To truly forgive involves letting go of the feeling of resentment and of the vision that underlies that feeling -- the vision of self-as-victim….If we have been injured, we no longer experience the injury as a barrier to relationship. Instead, we see the injury in the perspective of our own imperfection: How can we expect anyone else to be perfect if we ourselves are imperfect?

The gift of forgiveness is for the forgiver not the one forgiven. There's no such thing as can't, only won't. Trust me, I do know and understand. Holding a grudge is like pressing a cancerous breast to your chest and declaring, "It's mine! I deserve it! I refuse to let it go."

When something completely changes the course of your life, or perpetrates ongoing harm to an innocent party forgiveness is a process not a one time event. Anger, resentment, hurt, loss - all kind of emotions need to be worked through, and may arise again without notice. Forgiving over, and over and over again (the whole 70 x 7 enchilada) could certainly apply through the ongoing events caused by one poor decision.

Forgiveness begins with the Holy Spirit impressing the need upon you. But then, a choice must be made. For me it was: just do it. After choosing to forgive, you must forgive over and over again, whenever a negative thought re-enters the mind. Kind of like breaking a bad habit. The synapses in the brain must be retrained. Or to use another metaphor, forgiveness is a long journey but well worth the trip, at least in my case.

No such thing as 'can't forgive'. There is only will, or will not forgive. When forgiveness is difficult, I find that I am in danger of doing something for which I will need forgiveness.

Feelings get in the way of forgiveness. It is good to remember that the act of forgiving is all about clearing our own obstacles.

Go to Jesus who will give you the desire / willingness to Forgive! I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Pray to be willing to be made willing to be made willing...as many times as it takes

Leave it to God to help me understand the pain so I can forgive. Although it doesn't mean I need to continue a relationship when I have forgiven. Boundaries and my emotional / mental health is important as well.

Pray!!! Lots and lots of prayer!

Relaxing My Grip

I recently read a blog post about forgiveness that advocated gritting one's teeth and forcing oneself to JUST DO IT.

This approach is dangerous for me. I have a long, destructive history of “succeeding” at “forcing” myself to do “right” behaviors...and promptly becoming entrenched in pride and self-satisfaction because I have done such a difficult thing all on my own power.

What I “just do” in the forgiveness process is relax my death grip on the story I’m telling myself. On the grudge I’m holding. On my need to be right. On my perception of myself as the victim. On my “shoulds” and “musts.” On my accusations and contempt.

I don’t grit my teeth. In fact, it’s when I unclench my proud jaw that surrender starts.

My brother left me this wonderful quote: “Forgiveness is giving up any chance of a happier past.”

In this sense, forgiveness is a grief process; it’s mourning past I thought I was supposed to have.

And forgiveness is a rebirth process, inviting joy to flourish in the present.

(Can't see the image? Click here to download Psalm 30:5!)

Try this today: Continuing with the one obstacle to contentment you're wrestling with (from Days 28 and 29), prayerfully consider/journal the role of forgiveness. Does this obstacle involve another person whom you need to forgive? Does it involve forgiving yourself? How might letting go of the past you'll never have allow joy to flourish in your present?

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Please leave a comment

responding to today’s blog, and/or

sharing your Day #1-30 experience of replacing “baditude” with God’s word and gratitude, and/or

about anything else on your heart!

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(Catch up on any "Warm-Up Week" Blog Posts!)

The Worst Control-Freak Mistake We Don't Have to Make

Day 30: JOY