The Fig Leaves of Doing, Doing, and More Doing

(August 20-31 I'll be blogging my way through I Blame Eve: Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and giving away a copy each week!  You can enter the drawing via the Rafflecopter at the end of each blog post or right here.)

"God is calling out to Adam. You can almost hear him. 'Hey, Adam! Where are you?'

I don't think that Adam and Eve were the best hide-and-seekers of all time. Obviously God knows they are cowering behind the oak trees. Why does he ask Adam where he is? ... Maybe he wants Adam to realize what he is doing and why he is doing it."

Susanna Foth Aughtmon, I Blame Eve:Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes

Staff meeting ended on a grim note today. 

For the first time in the six years I've been teaching here, our enrollment is seriously under budget. 

Gasp-and-clutch-your-chest under budget.

Expenses must be cut immediately. And we all know that "expenses" is code for "staff members." 

I immediately started brainstorming Plans B, C, D, E...all the way down to ZZ. 

• I'll start eBay auctions to raise money for student scholarships.

• I'll sell my car and put the money away for if/when our jobs are cut.

• I'll write an e-book and sell a zillion copies for 99 cents each. 

• I'll...

• I'll...

I'll elaborate, ironically enough, on questions #3 and #4 today:

(My favorite thing about these six questions?  They're so easy to remember!)

Why am I doing this now? 

This is an identity question. Is this something only I can do?  

Or am I doing it because I have a need to meddle?

Last school year, this question was very helpful when I needed PowerPoint slides to publicize the a local poetry contest to our students. I was about to spend an hour creating it myself when I asked, "Why am I doing this?" and realized the only answer I could come up with was "Because I'm a control freak!" which is no longer an acceptable answer. 

(Not that it ever should have been an acceptable answer, but that's the topic of a whole 'nother blog post!) 

I then asked, "Is this something only I can do?" to which the answer was clearly, "No!"

So I delegated it to my student worker, Annika, who did a beautiful job. As a prize-winner in last year's competition, she was the ideal person for the task!

Now, as throw myself into rescue-my-school-and-my-family mode, I must ask:  Is this something only I can do?

And the answer is, once again, "No!"  

I can not rescue my school. I can not rescue my family. That's up to the God who founded both.

Why am I doing this now? 

This is a process question. Is doing the right step for this project right now?  

Or should I be researching? Analyzing? Reflecting? Conferencing? Seeking counsel? Praying? Waiting? Backing away?  

Earlier this summer, I got stuck on a writing project that I was trying to plow through in a day. Finally asking "Why am I doing this now?" I realized that I simply was not ready to write, to be in the "doing" phase. I needed to spend more time clarifying the assignment and then brainstorming. I felt such relief when I pulled out of "doing" mode!

Today, I know the answer to "Why am I doing this now?" is "because doing makes me feel better when my world is crashing down around me. Doing gives me the illusion of control!"

God is calling out, "Where are you?" 

He knows where we are, and he knows what we're doing.

He's calling us out of our favorite hiding place, where we are doing, doing, doing. 

He's inviting us to quit hiding behind doing. 

To seek refuge in Him.

To trust in His strength.

To be still.

And to know that He is God.

Your Turn:

• When have you failed to ask "Why am I doing this now?" and ended up wishing that you had?

• What forms of doing do you tend to hide behind?

• For what situation in your life do you need to quit hiding in self and, instead, start taking refuge in Him?

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Day 29: STRENGTH

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When Women Walk Alone

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(Can't see image? Click here to download Philippians 4:13!)

I'm simultaneously losing my mother to Alzheimer's and launching my 21-year-old daughter and soon-to-be 20-year-old son into adulthood.

I'm struggling with both.

C.S. Lewis writes, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." 

I so get what he means.

And I'm disappointed in myself for being such a cry-baby and scaredy-cat.

You see, I'd hoped that by mid-life, I'd be a shining example of how to handle these necessary losses with the "strength and dignity" of the legendary Proverbs 31 woman.

Most days, though, I'm more like a poster girl for How Not to _____ (fill in the blank with "Parent" or "Teach" or "Be a Supportive Helpmeet" or "Be a Good Daughter".)

I feel like the weak link at work and at home. I'm disappointed by my own weakness, at a time when so many need me to be strong.

One of my students recently shared his courageous testimony about losing his mother to cancer when he was in elementary school. He stood tall and strong at the podium, voice steady, words powerful, message gripping.

I wept.

In fact, I don't think I've stopped weeping – inwardly, at least – and that was a couple of months ago.

Psalm 46:1 says "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

The order is vital: first refuge.

Then strength.

I get it backwards.

In my Choleric frenzy for action, I bargain with God to borrow a bit more strength. And I miss what I need most.

I miss the Refuge.


I read countless books about parenting young adults and supporting aging parents.

But I miss the Refuge.


I go to women's group and church potluck and staff meeting, seeking friendship and comfort.

And I still miss The Refuge.


The lyrics to Precious Lord – "I am tired, I am weak, and I am worn" – so describe me right about now.

Trying to do the "strength" thing on my own isn't working. The stronger I try to be, the weaker I seem to get.

So today, I'm going to stop trying so incredibly hard to be strong.

"I will say of the LORD, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge..." Psalm 91:2&4(a)

Today, this hour, this minute, I'm seeking Refuge.

Which is, paradoxically, the only place to find Strength.


Try this today:  Journal or simply talk with God about the ways you've tried to handle your one obstacle to contentment (from Day 28's Try this today) on your own. How have you tried to bargain for strength without refuge? Can you imagine "just" taking refuge and leaving the obstacle to Him?

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Please leave a comment 

• responding to today’s blog, and/or

• sharing your Day #1-29 experience of replacing “baditude” with God’s word and gratitude, and/or

• about anything else on your heart!

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(Catch up on any "Warm-Up Week" Blog Posts!)