“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
How I love the disclaimer!
“if it is possible” – notice that big, beautiful if?
My natural instinct says, “Oh well, all the people in my life are so messed up, I guess living at peace with everyone just isn’t possible for me. Shucky darn!”
But the Holy Spirit keeps redirecting my gaze to the middle phrase, that annoying “as far as it depends on you” part.
More Like Me
Left to my own devices, I happily interpret “as far as it depends on you” to mean that I should pour my efforts into making others more like me.
I mean, if everyone did everything my way, surely we’d all be at peace!
(I know I would!)
However, God keeps reminding me that the job of creating others in One’s own image is filled.
(Such the disappointment!)
I Accuse
Focusing on negatives is such a knee-jerk reaction for me (and some of you have said you're the same way!)
Especially if your personality is different from mine, I'll hyper-focus on your weaknesses.
I start thinking in accusations:
- “I can’t believe you said ___!”
- “How on earth could you _____?”
- “A good ___ would never ___!”
- “At least I don’t _____!”
Accuse means to “call into account” and “charge with a crime.” So when I fixate on your weaknesses, I literally start thinking of you as a criminal!
I Abuse
Repeatedly accusing you, even if it’s “just” in my mind, leads to a huge (but unspoken) issue for many Christian women today: contempt.
According to marriage researcher John Gottman,
“...criticism is bad, because it is a global condemnation of a person's character. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level.
Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone.”
I Excuse
When I harbor contempt for you, I self-justify all my complaining, criticism, gossip, sarcasm, plus a whole host of other ill treatment. In fact, I convince myself that my bad behavior is all your fault!
You brought it on yourself.
You asked for it.
You'll have to change before I’ll change how I treat you.
Right back where I started.
Trying to make you more like me.
Which, at its core, is idolatry.
My Finest "Foot in Mouth" Moment
This humiliating event happened two decades ago. I'm grateful that I had to face my capacity for contempt early in our marriage:
I am right.
Far better than that: he is wrong.
And I am here to witness it!
Our weekly visit to the OB/Gyn started out normally enough. Daniel parked the car and helped me out. I started waddling to the front entry doors of the hospital but soon realized that I was on my own. When I turned around, I discovered Daniel marching of in a completely different direction.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Follow me!" was his only reply.
Now I'm a Choleric personality. I don't like being told what to do. And I really hate being told what to do without a reasonable explanation.
I pause momentarily and follow purely from vanity; being enormously pregnant, I prefer to be seen with my husband rather than wandering around alone.
As Daniel leads me up unfamiliar stairs, my annoyance threatens to blossom into anger. Who does he think he is, leading an 8-months-pregnant woman on some wild goose chase? This is ridiculous!
But my anger is interrupted by a most delectable thought: What if he's wrong? What if he has no clue where he's going and is just bluffing?
A delicious glee wells up inside. Obviously, he's lost. This means that my "I married Mr. Right but didn't realize his first name was Always" husband is about to be Mr. W-r-o-n-g.
Finally!
I am right.
He is wrong.
And I am here to witness it!
Smugly, I follow with feigned compliance. With each corner we turn, my anticipation grows. He's wrong. He's wrong. He's wrong. NAH-na-NAH-na-NAH-NA!
I can tell from his face that he is about to give up. As he grasps the doornob of what I know would be the last door before he turns to me and says those magical, never-before-heard-from-a-Melancholy words, "I'm wrong," I set off inner fireworks, launching my victory party.
Startled, I se my doctor's office window; behind the receptionist, the clock points to our precisely on time arrival.
How is this possible? As my inner expectations clashed with outer reality, I look at Daniel in wide-eyed amazement. My Sanguine mouth goes into motion with no filtering from my brain, and I blurt out,
"You do know something I don't know!"
And it's not until I se the wide-eyed amazement on Daniel's face that I rewind.
Hear what I've just said.
And recognize that this is what I've been saying, in attitudes and actions, from the moment we said, "I do."
(Come back tomorrow for "Spotlighting Strengths"!)
Q4U:
Leave a comment to be entered into this week's drawing for a copy of Dangerous Surrender: What Happens When You Say "Yes" to God by Kay Warren!
- What does Romans 12:18 say to you today?
- Have you been the object of someone else's contempt?
- Who do you find yourself mentally accusing? Where are you on the path toward contempt for this person?
The PURSE-onality Challenge: 31 days of replacing "baditude" with God's Word and Gratitude!
Click here for more details!
Warm-Up Week, Day 3: Tunnel of Grudge or a New Train of Thought?
Warm-Up Week, Day 4: Complaining vs. Problem-Solving
Warm-Up Week, Day 5: The Perks and Perils of "Being Heard"