The PURSE-onality Challenge: rules

Showing posts with label rules. Show all posts

7 Signs It’s Family Council Time

During November and December, I'll be studying hope. I'll be sharing what I learn here, in a series called "Hope for the Holidays and Everydays". This week, I'm giving away a copy of Karen Ehman's new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith.

I'd LOVE your input on the cover and title of my upcoming eBook based on May's The PURSE-onality Challenge! If you take this short survey, the final question invites you to leave your name & e-mail address so I can send you a FREE copy of the eBook when it's done!

The Extension Cord Calamity

Not again!

Another broken elliptical?

But this one is less than a year old!

Just as I start to panic, I notice a key detail: the cord is not plugged in.

Confused, I step off to plug in the elliptical, only to discover that the cord is too short.

Suddenly, everything makes sense.

Flooding with anger, I stomp into the house.

I yank the orange extension cord out of the outlet in my child’s room, unplug their laptop from it, and stomp back out to the garage.

There’s nothing wrong with the elliptical.

But there is something wrong with adult children who come home and “borrow” my extension cord without asking!

Five minutes into exercising, I’ve calmed down enough to feel foolish.

An extension cord gets “borrowed” every time they come home for a vacation.

Every time, I get angry.

But I never do anything -- before, during, or after one of their visits -- to solve my problem.

LET. IT. GO.

As I said yesterday, I’ve read Chapter 6 of LET. IT. GO. -- “Hovering Over the Home” -- several times so that the lessons will sink in.

In a section titled “House Rules in a Hushed Voice,” Karen says:

We need to review the ground rules (or lack thereof) in our homes. We must determine whether they are unreasonable or unfair.

Does everyone understand them?

Are any rules over the top and unnecessary, thereby showing our ugly roots of over-control?

Are we enforcing the rules in an atmosphere of counsel and soft answers or in an environment of combat and criticism?

And she recommends a family summit to discuss each member’s expectations in each area of the house.

This, I realize, is exactly what we need to do.

7 Signs It’s Family Council Time

Our family is at the empty (but occasionally-refilling) nest stage.

Jonathon’s in his sophomore year of college, and Annemarie’s a senior. They come home for vacations. Jonathon was home all last summer, and Annemarie was back for several weekends and a full week.

Behaviors I accepted from them as high school students (such as sleeping in on weekends) irritate me to no end now that they are young adults.

And new behaviors have cropped up (such as making late-night noise that wakes me from sound sleep) for which I was unprepared.

As Daniel and I have tried to figure out “what’s going wrong,” we realize that our #1 issue is denial. We find it incomprehensible that our kids act so differently than we did when we were their age. And we keep expecting them to “snap out of it.”

So here are seven signs that I’m just now recognizing -- most in hindsight -- that tell me we’re long-overdue for a sit-down meeting to open up dialogue about what we each want, need, and expect in our home:

1. I find myself making excuses for the behavior so that each time it occurs, it seems reasonable for that specific circumstance.

2. I find myself resenting the behavior but not knowing how to address it since it’s happened so much by now.

3. I realize that I would not accept such behavior from a stranger or guest because it goes against my family values in some way.

4. I’ve started “dropping hints” and/or “taking pot-shots” about the behavior. The atmosphere in the house suffers, but the behavior goes unchanged.

5. I complain to other people who (a) aren’t involved in the situation and (b) can’t help change the situation. I may even be violating family confidentiality because I’ve just got to "vent".

6. My quality of life is compromised to some degree as a result of the behavior. I may try to tell myself that “it’s no big deal” but the cumulative effect makes it bigger every day.

7. My family has moved into a new season of life but is still living by the “rules” of the last season (or perhaps even 2-3 seasons ago!)

A benediction for our family council this week -- and for everyone's family time this Thanksgiving Day!

My your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,

even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 33:22

Your Turn:

Does your family have regular family councils? Why or why not?

How explicit or implicit are the “rules” in your house? How are they communicated?

Has your family moved into a new season of life? How are you adapting the “rules” to meet the needs of this new stage?

Anything else on your heart!

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Why I Follow (Even Stupid) Rules

(August 20-31 I'll be blogging my way through I Blame Eve: Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes by Susanna Foth Aughtmon and giving away a copy each week! You can enter the drawing via the Rafflecopter at the end of each blog post or right here.)

"We think we can be good if we try hard enough….The snake loves this thinking because it is delusional in two ways:

(1) we think we have the ability to tally up goody points to get Jesus to love us, and (2) we think we have the right to judge others who don’t follow the rules. We get two sins for the price of one: pride and judging.

And, of course, we are missing the point completely. God is not impressed when we follow the rules. The way we act needs to flow out of our love for him, not out of our desire to appear holy….He does not call us to a life of good behavior. He calls us to a life filled with him….."

Susanna Foth Aughtmon, I Blame Eve: Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes

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From yesterday’s comments and e-mails, I learned (to my great relief!) that I'm not the only one who regularly wipes down public bathroom counters, drives 44 in the 45 zone, and counts what’s in my cart before going into the 15 items or less lane!

But lest you worry that I’m throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, let me be clear:

I am still a rule-follower.

I’ve watched the lives of plenty of rebels--teenage and middle age--up close and personal.

Not pretty. Absolutely no allure.

Why I Choose to Follow Rules

This summer, I listened to the audio book of Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and then bought the paperback and read much of it aloud to Daniel.

We were struck by a simple truth: in a movie, the choices a character makes determines the plot. The plot then changes the character.

Ultimately, choices make a character.

Miller suggests applying this principle to everyday life. If I make a different choice today, my life will be different today. If I make a different choice every day, my life trajectory will alter. As my life changes, I will become a different kind of person.

Ultimately, my choices create my character.

Of course, this isn’t a new idea. But somehow the movie analogy made it seem so real, especially since Daniel and I were collaborating on a workshop called “Heroes, Villains, and the Universal Epic.”

We started wondering aloud, throughout each day, which of the choices available to us would be the “heroic” choice and which would be the “villainous” choice. Sure, these are just slightly different terms for “good” and “bad.” But for some reason, thinking within the paradigm of a grand story, the choices felt like they mattered more.

Ultimately, this is why my rule-following choices matter: they change my story and create my character.

Same Rule, Actual Choice

So, revisiting yesterday’s Starbucks-mochas-and-the-movie-theater incident:

My knee-jerk reaction to the sign disturbs me not because I think we should have blown off the rule and taken the drinks inside the theater.

My automatic fear reaction to the rule disturbs me because my behavior was a perfect example of what Aughtmon calls “Pharisee-like piety: prettied up on the outside and dead on the inside.”

It was all rule, zero relationship. I was not listening to the Holy Spirit, nor was I seeking to show a Christ-like example to my brother.

A more thought-full, conscientious response might have been to read the sign and simply tell my brother, “I’ll meet you in there” as I stayed behind to finish my mocha.

I would still choose not to take my drink in.

The key is choice.

“So That” vs. “Because”

I know I keep circling back to these two ideas. They’re helping me clarify so much about what hasn’t worked in the past and choose that which is working better now.

My fear with following rules “so that” is that I focus so much on the rules, and the outcome that I need, that I forget about relationships.

And my hope with following rules “because” is that I will focus so much on my relationships with God and others that I will forget all about the rules.

Not because I’ve stopped following them.

But because I’ve stopped noticing that I’m following the rules in the joy of following Him.

Your Turn:

In what areas are you a rule-follower?

How have you followed rules stupid?

Anything else on your heart!

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I Follow Rules Stupid

"I like pretending I am good. I have trouble looking past people’s sins and caring for them in spite of themselves. It is easier for me to judge than to love. And it is easier to follow my own rules than to listen for God’s direction in my life."

Susanna Foth Aughtmon, I Blame Eve:Freedom from Perfectionism, Control Issues, & the Tendency to Listen to Talking Snakes

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Rule Follower

I’ve never been a rebel.

The closest I came to teenage rebellion was cutting my hair short, buying a bright yellow dress, and wearing clip-on ear rings...all in the same month.

Nope, rebellion just wasn’t my style.

I’ve always been a rule-follower: I hate conflict and thrive on community. And community requires rules.

So...

I show up early for meetings...and cringe for those who walk in late.

I toss my own trash...and pick up bottles, wrappers, and bags that litterbugs have dropped on the ground.

I drive under the speed limit...and try not to feel too smug when the law-breaker who blew past me five minutes ago gets pulled over by a CHP.

For most of my life, I’ve thought that my careful rule-following has protected me from untold dangers. Provided me with the best life available.

But the further I’ve ventured from the grip of Perfectionism, the more I see that I’ve followed many rules stupid.

I don’t mean I’ve followed many stupid rules (although I certainly have!)

I mean that far too often, rule-following has been so automatic that I’ve not bothered to think.

Sign Follower

My brother and I had picked up Starbucks on our way to the movie theater where our spouses were saving seats. We were running a bit late, so we parked and run-walked inside.

As we handed our tickets to the ushers, I noticed a sign that said, in big bold letters, “NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR BEVERAGES ALLOWED.”

“Oh no!” I said, pointing to the sign. “We have to drink these fast or throw them away!

My brother gave me an I’d Like To Throw You Away look and said,

“We ‘have to’ now because you opened your big mouth. They were going to let us walk right on in with them!”

Duh.

I’d had no prick of conscience; I been in no moral quandary. I’d simply found a rule to mindlessly follow, costing us two perfectly lovely mochas. (And earning me the wrath–okay, the endless teasing–of my brother!)

That’s following rules stupid.

Recipe Follower

For Father’s Day several years ago, I was beyond excited to try a copycat recipe for The Cheesecake Factory’s Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes, one of Daniel’s favorite food.

I followed the instructions for the Salsa Verde, the Pico De Gallo, and the Southwestern Sauce with ease.

But the Tamale Cakes? Nothing but trouble!

The recipe called for 1½ cups of frozen sweet corn. The instructions said (and I quote) to “coarsely puree 1 cup of the frozen corn in a food processor.”

So, I dutifully pulled the bag of corn from the freezer, measured 1 cup, dumped it in the blender, and hit “on.” It made an awful racket, and the puree was really hard to scrape out.

The instructions then said (and I continue to quote) to “combine pureed corn with softened butter, sugar, and salt.”

I used my electric hand mixer, and within seconds, the beaters were clogged with corn puree and hardened butter.

I wrestled with this mixture for the better part of an hour before I got it all blended, pattied, and baked into little cakes.

What went wrong? I followed the rules...er...recipe! Why had it been so hard?

Hard...as in softened butter meeting frozen corn puree.

Duh.

I’d followed the instructions exactly as written, not bothering think through the logistics of (a) trying to puree frozen corn or (b) softened butter reacting to frozen corn puree.

If I’d thought for even half a second, I would have thawed the corn before pureeing it, saving myself a bunch of time and frustration. But I didn’t think. I just followed.

That’s following rules stupid.

Do/Don’t Follower

I won’t tell you stories of all the churchy “do”s I’ve been sure to do and all the churchy “don’t”s I’ve been careful not to do.

I will tell you that all my do-and-don’t following brought me to my 40s joyless, bitter, and resentful.

That’s following rules stupid.

(Worse, that’s Phariseeism, and Christ has things to say about Pharisees that make my brother’s annoyance seem like glee!)

Jesus Follower

Jesus says, "Follow me."

Two simple words.

Not about “do”s and “don’t”s.

Not about a recipe.

Not about a sign.

Not about rules.

All about a relationship.

Your Turn:

In what areas are you a rule-follower?

How have you followed rules stupid?

Anything else on your heart!

a Rafflecopter giveaway