(Part 1)
Why don't I write Thank You notes?
As I've read e-mails and comments from Saturday's blog post, I've recognized several reasons. I'll share two "surface" ones today and save the "deeper" ones for Tuesday.
As I've read e-mails and comments from Saturday's blog post, I've recognized several reasons. I'll share two "surface" ones today and save the "deeper" ones for Tuesday.
Sanguine: “Oops! I forgot! Silly me…” or “Did someone do something I should have noticed?”
Melancholy: “I’m still trying to find the perfect card...words...pen...stamp…lighting...”
Choleric: “It’s over and done.” or “They (should) already know.”
Phlegmatic: “It’s too much effort.” or “They won’t notice if I do or don’t.”
I didn’t mean to cause the damage I did. I wanted to offer comfort to a friend who had just suffered a miscarriage. I prayed and labored over what to say in my note. But I quickly learned that I’d chosen the worst possible words. (I was years from reading Lauren Littauer Briggs’ book The Art of Helping which has been a complete life-saver for this well-meaning bumbler!)
Old accusations and condemnations run through my head if I even walk into the note card isle:
- You don’t have the right thing to say.
- Worse, you say the wrong thing. At the wrong time. In the wrong way.
- You ruin everything. You are dangerous.
- Everyone is better off without you.
- Stay away.
I get overwhelmed when these messages come fast and furious.
I withdraw. I isolate.
Then I recognize that I’m being selfish, and the shame just grows deeper.
Replacing Baditude
I’m not going to focus on weaknesses and start accusing or condemning. Instead, I choose acceptance and compassion for where I’m at, trusting God to lead me beyond.
When I focus on the messages that tell me I’m never good enough, my focus is on me.
I’m not thinking about the other person: what she did, how she feels, how my note might brighten her day.
I’m only thinking of my self. (Which is why the name for this “baditude” is self-ish-ness!)
Staying stuck here is a complete weakness cycle: accusation ---> condemnation ---> contempt
The worse I feel, the more I need; the more I need, the more I take without gratitude; the more I take without gratitude, the worse I feel.
With God’s Word
On Day 7, I wrote about giving up our stories of (imagined) control and condemnation and telling, instead, our stories of how Jesus has set us free.
I am free. Of excuses. Of past mistakes. Of accusatory condemning messages.
I need to let go of the old stories the enemy puts on endless replay.
I need to Let God author my new life story of freedom.
And Gratitude
Practical “How to” advice from Thank You Note Writers:
Imagine that you are the parent of a high school student. Which would express deeper gratitude to you:
“You are such a great mother.”
or
“Your son is such a reliable worker. I so appreciate his diligence and trustworthiness.”
Hands down, the second one, right?
So ask yourself:
- What if writing a Thank You note is not about me. Or even about the other person?
- What if writing a Thank You note to one of God’s children is a practice of praise to our Father? “And whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men” Colossians 3:23 (KJV)
- What if I incorporate writing a Thank You note part of my morning devotions, as a demonstration of my gratitude to God?
- What if I make myself a Thank You Note Writing play list of thanksgiving scripture songs?
(Pretty exciting “what if”s, dontcha think?!?)
- Note-writers do not think, “I have to write this Thank You note to so-and-so.” They think “I get to write this Thank You note to God via so-and-so!”
- They’re 100% intentional about making the note happen (not a bunch of if only, meant to, thought about, woulda-coulda-shoulda.)
- Note-writers allow no resistance; their beliefs are integrated with behaviors. (Negotiating Do I feel like writing the note right now? How about tomorrow? day in and day out is actually harder. And it wastes far more time than writing the note!)
- Note-writers schedule time on their calendar to write and mail notes. One commenter mails hers on Monday so they’ll arrive prior to the weekend. That’s intentionality!
- After a large event, when they have a stack of notes, note writers do not think, “I’ll never get this done” (paving the way to become a self-fulfilling prophecy!) Instead, they calculate how many they need to write per day and get started. (Several said that they pre-address envelopes prior to the event, making for a faster process after.)
- Have a stash! Start with a variety of note cards. (But avoid odd-shaped envelopes that might require more than one “Forever” stamp.)
- Stock up on STAMPS! (#1 tip)
- Order or print your own return address labels. Tons.
- Keep your address book up to date. (When in a pinch, try www.whitepages.com!)
- Discover your “favorite pen” and buy several. It should be comfortable to hold and smear-free after you’ve written. (I love my Pilot Dr. Grip pens!)
- Create a Note Card LIST to keep track of who you need to write to, why you’re writing, what to include, when you mailed the card, etc. (This would save me the embarrassment of e-mailing people to ask if they received (a) no note, (b) one note, or (c) duplicate notes...which I have done more than once!)
- Keep note-writing supplies at your fingertips: in your car, purse, Bible, nightstand, by the TV, etc.
Check back for Part 2 tomorrow!