It's Marriage Monday over at Chrysalis Cafe, and today's topic is being a helpmate in Christian marriage.
Just Being “Helpful”
Daniel was in the midst of making blueberry pancakes when I decided to make an apple crisp.
I brought out the apples and my fancy peeler and a lemon and the grater…
...while keeping one eye on what Daniel was doing.
You know, in case he needed “help.”
And boy, howdy, did he ever!
- He’s adding Bisquick to blueberry muffin mix? You can't do that!
- He’s rinsing the blueberries with hot water? That will ruin them!
- He’s making them that thick? They’re going to burn for sure!
It took every ounce of willpower I had (and then some!) to bite my tongue and keep my thoughts to myself.
I tried to look nonchalant as I sliced the apples, added lemon zest and juice, got a second bowl for the topping, and measured out brown sugar and oats.
But when Daniel left the kitchen briefly, I could stand it no more.
I slipped a knife under a pancake and lifted it up to check:
Black.
Just as I suspected!
When Daniel returned, I said triumphantly, “They’re black. I knew I smelled burning.”
Unfazed, Daniel rescued his cajun pancakes, turned down the heat, and poured a couple more on the griddle.
I returned to my apple crisp.
And immediately wondered, Why are there oats in with the apples?
Followed by, What’s all this brown sugar doing in with the apples?
In my hypervigilance over Daniel’s baking, I’d lost focus on my own. Instead of measuring the oats and brown sugar into the second bowl, I’d dumped them in with the apples.
And started mixing.
My thin tart apple slices were now stuccoed with gooey clumps of old fashioned oats and globs of brown sugar.
When “Helping” Just Makes Mess
I lost twenty minutes trying to salvage my mess.
I ultimately succeeded, but only after dumping the apples in a sieve and rinsing them with hot water many times to get rid of the oats and brown sugar. And then starting all over with the lemon rind and lemon juice.
Oh, how badly I wanted to be mad at somebody other than me!
- All that wasted time!
- All those wasted materials!
- All that wasted energy!
When Help Isn’t Help
It's taken me more than two decades of marriage to figure out this simple truth:
Help is only help when my husband actually wants it.
When I feel the urge to “help” rising up, but he’s not indicated any need for or openness to receiving help, 9 times out of 10 it’s Meddlesome Me rearing her connection-cutting head.
No More Meddling!
In “Do I Think Like a Mother or a Lover?” I wrote:
I am reminding myself that detaching isn't about him: it's about me and my thoughts.
I can obsess about all the "what ifs", making me smother like a meddling mother.
Or I can detach, refusing to pour time and energy into worrying about things that are none of my business.
Which frees me to connect, in the present moment, with my husband.
Not as a "helper." Or a "fixer." Or a "rescuer."
But as his lover.
Speaking of which, I am honored to share the newest eBook by my friend, marriage blogger, writer, and speaker Sheila Wray Gregoire: 31 Days to Great Sex!
I’ve been reading Sheila’s blog for several years, now, and participating in her Wifey Wednesday link-ups.
Earlier this year, I got brave and started reading Sheila's posts aloud to Daniel. He could not believe that a woman both understood and could accurately articulate the male perspective so well!
Here’s what Sheila says about 31 Days to Great Sex:
Here's why I'm passionate about sex:
God created sex to unite us on three levels--physical, spiritual, and emotional. When we feel truly intimate on those three levels, our marriages soar. And that's when we're able to impact our churches and communities for Him.
But if we're not connecting in our marriages, we lose out on a great strength that God gave us in this life. And we threaten our families and our children's future.
The church doesn't like to talk about sex, and so we leave it to our culture. And our culture has turned it into something perverse and disgusting.
I'm not willing to stand for that anymore. I think the church needs to step up and fight back and start redeeming sex.
And that's what this ebook does. It takes couples through exercises about improving their communication, their friendship, their outlook on sex, and yes, even the mechanics of sex, so that their marriage can rock!
I'm really proud of this book, and I'm excited to see how God is going to use it.
Visit Sheila’s Website for the full scoop on 31 Days to Great Sex!
Sheila has donated 2 copies for this week's drawing, and I’m throwing in a celebratory $10 Amazon.com gift certificate!
Lots of ways to enter, and 3 winners will be announced just after 9:00 PM (PST) Sunday night!
Your Turn:
- How do you discern when to help and when to hold back in your relationships?
- In your closest relationship, what situations bring out your “Meddlesome Me”?
- Anything else on your heart!
P.S. Thanks to Kathi Lipp, I’ve compiled a list of my marriage blog posts...which may turn into an eBook on how to be less of a control freak in marriage!
P.S.S. In case you missed last week's Top 10 Priceless Gifts for each PURSE-onality series:
a Rafflecopter giveaway